Tonight, on Nitro (6/1/98), Chris Jericho began to unravel a conspiracy to keep him from the World Cruiserweight Championship. The conspiracy was deeper than even our icon, our paragon of virtue, realized. Charlie, Matt and I have uncovered the true secret to the conspiracy that has kept our beloved Jericho from the championship he so rightly deserves.
Perhaps, you have heard of the principle of seven. Our conspiracy theory is based upon the principle of six that has run rampant through WCW. It perpetrator is none other than James J. Dillon.
Lets start with Dillon's last name. Six Letters. What, you ask? Wait, we will explain.
The championship debacle began during a 15-man cruiserweight championship match, the winner of which received a shot at Jericho's cruiserweight strap. A new competitor was unveiled El Grillo. Grillo is Spanish for Cricket. Instead of simply, labeling this competitor, Cricket, which is seven letters, Dillon made his name Spanish to incorporate six letters. For those who don't know, Grillo was the wrestler who normally portrays Ciclope. The man in the Ciclope suit was none other than Dean Malenko, who underhandedly upended or idol.
You say, that this is just one insignificant instance of our principle of six. Wait, there's more. Notice the concessions Dillon has made towards Raven. Raven is allowed to make his own rules and wrestle when and where he chooses. You say, Raven is spelled with five letters. True, but there is his Flock. Since debuting in WCW, there have been six members whose name have six letters (Stevie, Saturn, Hammer, Horace, Kidman, and Scotty).
Then take, Raven's favorite, Saturn. Why is Saturn his favorite? It stems from the name Saturn. That is not his real name. He could have picked any other planet, but Saturn is the sixth planet from the sun.
Not convinced? Take the nWo's history. The faction that has completely undermined the power of WCW. They have had numerous members, yet only one was given the name of a number. Guess which number?
Further certification, you ask? Dillon has forced two talented athletes, Booker T and Chris Benoit to battle for the number one contender's position to Fit Finley's television championship. Why? Finley's last name is six letters. Coincidence? We think not.
How does this relate to Jericho? Jericho's real last name is Irvine. So what? Irvine is spelled with six letters while Jericho is spelled with seven. Here's the key. As a religious studies major, I know that in numerology, the number six is indicative of Satan, while the number seven signifies God. Jericho is a devout Christian as those who read his posts of his web site know. He even took his ring name from the wall of Jericho, hence his e-mail address, firstname.lastname@example.org.
Jericho is getting punished for his Christianity, his chaste moral codes that make all of us Jericholics love him. The theory is this. Dillon's name is six letters. That's right. You heard it here first - J.J. Dillon IS SATAN!!! Ever wonder why every Nitro main event since he debuted has not ended in a clean finish. The answer lies in this theory. Remember, we never would have figured this out had it not been for the brilliance of our idol, Chris Jericho.
We are uncertain of his involvement in this issue, but we have also discovered that Vince McMahon is involved in this scheme. Evidence: Val Venis. Yet, another planet, but not spelled as is the planet Venus. Instead with an I. Yes, six letters prior to V is P. Think about it. Yes, not only have we just proved this coverup is interplanetary, but more unlikely, its combined the entire wrestling world.
This is big news. Be careful not to be caught up in Dillon's pitiful image. He is clearly more intelligent than he looks as he has targeted the most talented wrestler in the world for doom. Petition WCW. Act now before your second favorite grappler suffers the same fate.
If you have any information on this great debate, e-mail us. Do not contact your local authorities because we do not know the ramifications or just how deep this conspiracy goes. As details come in, we will keep you the loyal Jericholics abreast of this situation as it unfolds.
Even in crisis, I still typed a sentence simply to write the word "abreast."
Chan and Charlie and Matt
Some updates since this was originally posted:
Todd B.: You guys stated that Lodi may be a Republican because of his Rush is Right sign. However, instead of "right" meaning "correct" look at it as meaning "right wing"...
James T.: I can throw one wrench into your machine of Jerichoness. Saturn took his name from the god Saturn, whose father in mythology was Kronus, who was his tag team partner in ECW. As for the rest, I think Hogan is more of a devil then Dillon. Of course, that is only 5 letters, isn't it?
Chris D.: Here's another 6 and 7 instance for you...take the place value in the alphabet of each letter (i.e., A=1, B=2, etc.), and apply it to Dillon's name: D=4th, I=9th, L=12th, L=12th, O=15th, N=14th. Added up, these numbers total 66. Now, take Jericho's real last name (Irvine), and add: I=9th, R=18th, V=22nd, I=9th, N=14th, E=5th. Added up, these give 77. Double 6's for Satan, and double 7's for Jericho. I thought you guys might be nuts, but now I too am a true believer. Yet another of the amazing miracles of insomnia.