Movie Review - Marked Man
Your first thought might be "Why is there a movie review on a pro wrestling page?" Well, I got the following e-mail tonight from Christian M. I laughed so hard that I thought I should pass it along. If nothing else, taking the two minutes to read this may save you from wasting an hour and a half watching the movie.

I just finished watching Roddy Piper's "Marked Man" on it's premiere on Cinemax. How was it? Well, if you enjoy watching movies and making fun of how idiotic the characters are, the movie gets 5 thumbs up. If you like watching good movies because they are good movies, it gets 5000 thumbs down. Not surprised you say? Well, here were some of the highlights... if you could call them that.

• 3 min - Body Count: 2
  • Piper's wife is hit by a car and is dead as the entire movie.
  • Guy driving the car is hit with one punch by Piper falls to the ground, hits his head and is dead.
• 5 min - First real fight scene at prison, you know, the good 'ol brawl during recreation hour with the guards laughing at the inmates
  • Moves used: boxing, that face Piper makes when someone sucker punches him (I don't care if that isn't a move, it's funny), Code Red variation (using the other guy's arm), and a sleeper.
• 10 min - Body Count: 3
  • Inmate killed, crushed from a car engine that fell on him.
• 15 min - Body Count: 4
  • Piper shoots a guard while escaping from prison. Of course, the guard is the one that killed dead guy #3 and wants to pin it on Piper.
• Guards see Piper running away, "He's heading for the state line!"
  • Of course he's heading for the state line, you're in Massachusetts...that state is so small that no matter which direction you go, the state line is less than a mile away. Piper probably isn't allowed in Massachusetts anyway because of his WCW contract.
• 30 min - Body Count: 5
  • Partner of dead guy 4 is asphyxiated.... ummm, killed by not allowing him to breathe... with some Saran Wrap. Piper is the first person to see the newly dead guy. Even though he didn't do it, he makes sure to leave enough fingerprints on the dead guy to make himself look guilty.
• 35 min - Piper says his fifth line, "I didn't do it."
  • DO WHAT? Which of the killings are you talking about?! :)
• Police claim dead guy 5 died of a heart attack... WHAT?!
• Piper's brother tells him he should go to Canada, Piper says he can't.
  • Yeah, that's probably also in his contract with WCW.
• 1 hr - Another decent fight scene
  • Feature move: spinning fireman's carry, slamming the guy's head into a tombstone. Then Piper tosses the guy into an open grave.
    • Hey, wait, shouldn't buried alive matches be against his contract?
• WE HAVE A NEW WORLD CHAMPION!!
  • Piper eats a sandwich in 2 seconds.
• 1hr 5min - Piper gets longest dialog section - it lasts 60 seconds
• 1hr 20min - Another fight
  • Piper gets his ass kicked a while, then gets his second wind.
  • Piper clotheslines bad guy, headbutts him a few times, then [Dusty Impression] DROP KICK! PIPER DID A DROP KICK!
  • This causes the bad guy to stumble backward slamming the bad guy's head into some blunt metal peice of a train locomotive.
  • Body Count: 6
• 1hr 15min - Body Count: 7
  • Piper stabs a guy.
  • I guess they were running out of ways to have Piper kill people.
  • Of course, if you're going to have him kill someone, stabbing would work. Piper has experience, even if it is being the stabbee instead of the stabber.
• The dialog in this 1hr 30min movie is easily beaten by your average porno movie.
• Piper has served 2 years of a 3 year manslaughter sentence.
  • Note 1: What happened to early release?
  • Note 2: Piper actually finished the movie more of a criminal than when he started... let's count the charges:
    • Assault & Battery (Too many times to count)
    • Breaking and Entering
    • Murder (3 counts)
    • Prison Escape
    • Grand Theft Auto (3 counts)
    • Manufacturing a bomb
    • Assulting a police officer
    • Evading arrest
    Is it any wonder why he had to be held at Alcatraz the entire week before Slamboree? ;)

---

Back to DDT Digest