Go straight to the Nitro report
One night, late after eating too many Pepperoni Pizza Combos and drinking too much Schlitz beer, my nightmare was horribly frightening. Here's what happened:
The special four-hour Nitro kicked off with Scott Hall being taken to the emergency room, having his stomach pumped while using Jack Daniels as painkiller. Kevin Nash, disguised as a doctor, performed "emergency surgery" and finished off Hall's lobotomy.
The Nitro fireworks brought on the only saving grace of WCW; those jiggly little vixens known as the Nitro Girls. At the end of their dance routine, the Nitro Girls subbed a speech instead of all their little personalized hand signs that thanked Eric Bischoff for renewing their contract. Because if they worked for the WWF, the Nitro Girls would have already put out three XXX videos (Not that I would mind....).
As the camera opened to the announcer's booth, Larry Zybszko got up to acknowledge the fans and fell off the stage. Tony Schiavone cursed Larry out because Larry was a wrestler and should be more coordinated. Mike Tenay called the move a "Tehicuazal Splash", which the ancient Aztecs used to do after finding that their whole family had been sacrificed.
The curtain - jerker was none other than the Nemesis of Jobberberg (or Goldberg, or Greenberg), Jerry Flynn. Jerry was beaten by Fit Finlay, who left $20 in an envelope for two guys named McMichael and Callous to split up for use of their finisher.
The camera pans back to the locker room to show Horace Boulder confronting Uncle Terry Boulder about the male pattern baldness that runs in the family. nWo Hollywood promptly lays Boulder out cold, much to Hogan's chagrin. Vincent tries to make everything better by offering Horace the drink of one Scott Hall.
The fans are treated to a 30 minute highlight reel of the unintelligible garble of the "Warrior", who vows to perform one actual wrestling move before disappearing back to Arizona.
Hogan come out to Voodoo Chile, playing his air guitar. He and Bischoff make out for a while, tell the fans they suck, then Hogan provides another 5 minute monologue on how he, "Wood", is just too sweet. The fans can't hear the last 3 minutes (thankfully), because Hogan loses his voice almost immediately.
Hour Two is replaced by ads for Wolfpack, nWo Hollywood, Big Sexy Kevin Nash, and DDP apparel.
The Nitro Girls dance around in the ring as hour number three approaches. Approximately half the fans are asleep, while the rest are watching the WWF on their pocket Sony TVs.
Hour Three starts off with the Four Horsemen attempting to enter the United States. At Customs, Doug Dillenger and his crack security crew, along with the 5 guys who DIDN'T make the auditions for the "Jericho Personal Security Crew" stop, intimidate and force the Horsemen to leave. The galloping footfalls of their theme is replaced by a giant sucking sound. Bischoff comes to the ring and gloats about how his ratings have just sunk another point.
Our second match of the night is Juventud Gurerra against Kidman. Kidman, the only champion to regularly defend his belt, wins after a ten-minute bout of high flying action. The real wrestling fans who have been waiting for this match cannot view the action because all the stupid marks were holding up their signs that say "6:32 - Twice the Man". After the bell, Scott Norton brings his IWGP championship belt down to ringside and promptly powerbombs both Juvi and Kidman through the trapdoor and on top of Curt Hennig, who was under the ring.
Scott Norton stays out in the ring and Meng comes down to fight him for the "No - Sell Championship". The match is predictable see-saw, neither man getting hurt until Norton picks up Meng for the powerbomb. Meng locks in the Tongan Death Grip (with the help of Norton's hands). Meng is your winner in 1:32.
The camera backstage shows a trophy case with such historical momentoes of NWA / WCW including the Texas Heavyweight Championship, the Light Heavyweight Championship, the Missouri Heavyweight Championship, the Texas Tag Team Championship and the World Tag Team Championship belts. Mike Tenay notes that the lock that holds the case shut is Japanese in origin, was forged by a master samurai who instructed Sonny Oono in the use of chopsticks, and is called a Hijjiiimakeiwarakashimen.
Hour Four brings the Disciple to the ring. After a rambling diatribe, his opponent comes to the ring. Nick Dinsmore is locked into the Apocalypse in 1:50 and finally is pinned seven minutes later.
The Wolfpack comes to the ring, makes a bunch of local references. Konnan will wrestle "the man most undeserving of all his camera time", Stevie Ray. Konnan apparently is on his usual game schedule, because Stevie Ray has memorized all the spots and appears to be asleep as Konnan locks in the entirely un-painful "Tequila Sunrise". This wakes Stevie Ray up; he signals Vincent, who applies the international slapjack, and they proceed to turn Konnan over to the INS, who have just gotten back from deporting the Four Horsemen to Bolivia.
The first main event of the night pits Jobberberg against Wrath, who's been on a tear. The match is a bunch of blown moves and no-sells by Jobberberg to the vastly superior Wrath. The match degenerates to Wrath and Jobberberg reciting Shakespeare to the crowd. Unfortunately, this was missed by the referee. Since Jobberberg can actually speak, he lip-synchs his little destruction phrase and is declared the winner. Wrath breaks a ring-post over Jobberberg's head and kills him, but Jobberberg promptly no-sells and puts Wrath up in the JobberHammer. After the victory, Bobby Heenan notes that this is Wrath's first loss. Mike Tenay tries to bring up his losses with Mortis, but Tony sits on Mike and kills him. Mike tries to no-sell, but no one believes him and Mike dies.
The second main event pits Hollywood Hogan and Eric Bischoff against Aleksandr Karelin and Monica Lewinsky. Karelin immediately puts Hogan in his trademark reverse body lift as Monica wards off the would-be interference of Bischoff with her vaunted "Hoover Lower Abdomen Lip Claw". Nick Patrick fails to realize Hogan is pinned. Karelin gets tired and rolls out of the ring; only to be replaced by Terry Taylor. Hogan then showcases all his moves when he legdrops Taylor for the 1, 2, 3.
Thankfully, Nitro goes off the air... but not before Tony declares that it was "the most memorable moment in our sport", "the most horrible, disgusting moment in our sport", "the greatest moment in the history of Nitro", and "the lowest point ever in our sport since the nWo showed up at Bash at the Beach." He would go further, but Dr. Harvey Schiller cuts his microphone cord.
I really can't add anything to this, other than the fact that I scared my cat from laughing so hard when I read it.
Well, I've had it.
After the 8 or 9 promos for Halloween Havoc in the first hour of Nitro this week, I just had all I could take.
Therefore, let this be notice that I have formed the "GWO", the Grimace World Order. Our organization stands for promo-less wrestling on our televisions. No PPV ads, no Gene Okerlund hotline plugs, no exceptions.
Any time one of the above occurs on Monday Nitro, we have decided to turn our televisions to the A&E network, for either Biography or whatever happens to be on at the given moment. They are always educational (and promo free).
Our organization means business, Wade, no bulls**t for us anymore. We are proud, We are strong, We are able.
The members of this group consist of myself, my dog Zappa, and occasionally my wife, but you can count on a heel turn from her every 28 days or so.
No promos, no hotlines, no way.
We'll have T-shirts on sale soon. You'll be seeing our ads.
"heel turn every 28 days or so!" I love it!!
Love your reports (MUCH more entertaining than what you're reporting on), but Gangrel-and-WWF mark that I am, I couldn't let this one slide:
On a side note, is there a more absurd gimmick in wrestling today than Gangrel? A wrestling vampire, who drinks blood before his matches.
How about a 'roided out hasbeen who gets paid stooooo-ped amounts of money to pop out of a trapdoor in the ringamid clouds of CO2 'steam' and try to sell that he has 'magical powers'?
Or am I being too anti-WCW?....;-)
I knew I shouldn't have talked smack about any other gimmick in wrestling the same week that Warrior is magically appearing in mirrors....
OK! I admit it! Warrior is a big, bad, absurd, stinky (more on that later in the mailbag) joke! But I still think that the dime-store fangs and "blood" are pretty damn sad, too.
I'm not too sure about this, but I think that the move Saturn did against Lizmark (you called it a vertical suplex into a michinoku driver) was called the Saturn bomb in ECW. I recall him using it against one of the Dudley boys. Its pretty much the same move that Hayabusa does (The Falcon Arrow).
Someone, and I can't find it in my emails to give credit, sent me an animated GIF of Saturn performing the Saturn Bomb in ECW against the Dudleys. If you'd like to see it, and be warned that it's over 170Kb in size, click here.
Just some Nitro mail for ya. I was thinking with the nWo Wolfpac, nWo Hollywood, oWn, LWO, and WCW they could have a Rush week where rookie wrestlers could visit each group and decide which they want to join. And the funniest spot of the night was when the Wolfpac was leaving a bar and Konnan said, "Lets go check out the strip clubs." Nash then said, "No, Hall has been thrown out of every strip joint in the country." But then the kicker was when Konnan said, "Lets go anyway." We all know what K-Dawg was thinking about.
I don't know whether you just didn't notice it or if you walked in in the middle of the segment, but when they started the sketch of the Wolfpac finding Hall in the hick bar, they began by showing Tenay driving up behind them. Unfortunately, it seems as though Tenay was sitting on the microphone and had a little chili before the show, and he apparently let out a rather loud fart before getting out of the car! That was so funny I didn't even notice the sham barroom brawl until it was half-over.
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.
I saw that Lenny Lane is your favorite jobber. I went to high school with Lenny. His real name is Lenny and he is from Duluth MN. Lenny is a really funny guy but he put on about 50 pounds of muscle in a year. He went to cop school for a few years and then he learned to wrestle in Minneapolis. He got introduced into wrestling in high school when we named all our intramural sport teams the Horseman. He also played baseball, football, and basketball. I still see him from time to time.
Hey I just thought I'd let you and everyone else know that the music Kaz Hayashi came out to on Nitro was the same music Jushin Thunder Liger came out to at Starcade '96 when he beat Rey Mysterio Jr. I was bouncing off the walls think that Mr. Liger was going to come and beat some low card Lucha guy. Just though you'd like to know.
The WCW music recycling program strikes again.
As someone with a Spinal Cord Injury, I thought I might put in my two cents on the Buff angle. I'm not offended by the angle, but I do think it is in bad taste (just like the Hall angle). But with the turnaround(?) last week with Judy Bagwell coming out (which my mother loved, she asked me if it reminded her of anyone) I think they might actually be bringing an end to it. (I bet mothers the world over had big smiles when that bit aired.)
It's weird, when Villano IV took that bump a couple of weeks ago I stated that I wouldn't put it past Vince to fake a neck injury, and look at what he did the following week (faked one with Severn), time will tell if I'm right about Goldberg/DDP at Havoc. Getting back to Vince, ever since Sgt. Slaughter as an Iraqi sympathizer I wouldn't put anything past him.
With regards to Gangrel and the Vampire gimmick in TitanTown, I agree, that angle is cheesy. I just hope WCW doesn't go forward with the Vampiro gimmick. Wrestling vampires are just a little too cartoonish for my taste.
Got a trivia question for you:
Q: Roddy Piper and Jesse Ventura taped a pilot for a series on ABC. ABC never picked up the show but for some reason they did air the pilot, what was it called?
A: Tag Team. I think it was around the fall of '91 when they ran it. The storyline was a couple of pro-wrestlers who refused to "throw a match" and went on to become cops. I thought it would have made a good series but that's just me.
I ought to be a booker, I tell ya.
Hey, I just got back. Before I get started...folks, if it says no smoking, DON'T SMOKE. And sit down too.Andy from Evanston, IL sends the following arena report:
Hmm, that feels better.
Sign of the Night: "I came here to see Disco Inferno dance!"
All in all, about worth $12 of my $15 ticket. Less recaps, no stuipd matches like Kendall/Torborg and more Disco would have been better.
- Without sound for the early outdoor stuff, I had to assume that Bischoff was trying to keep the Horsemen out.
- A heck of a lot clips, espically first hour. I didn't pay $15 dollars to see last week's show.
- Also, early on, and until Nash and Hall did their little skit, David Penzer promised us a 6 man tag between the WolfPac and Hollywood factions. He mentioned names at least once, but all I heard was that it was everyone but Sting for the 'pac. I figured, once Nash took off, it would turn into a handicap match, but they didn't mention it again. Which was annoying.
- Lodi vs Wrath
- When they preceded Lodi's match with a clip of Wrath, I knew Lodi was dead. And he was.
- Meng and Wrath ended up brawling all the way backstage.
- Kendall Windham vs Dale Torborg
- Everyone around me mistook Kendall for Horace. I could care less.
- Everyone was ticked that this was a match on Nitro...they were really mailing in the first hour.
- From where I was sitting, you could tell Torborg hurt himself going for that kick. After the match, Torborg didn't move and had to be carried from the ring by two or three medical people. They took a while moving him, to be careful of his leg...he was still in there as the Nitro Party tape was rolling. Not good.
- Sting/Warrior interview
- The guy who went with me, Ryan, was a big Warrior fan in the WWF and was suprised he wasn't getting over.
- But, by the end of the interview, with Warrior getting a heck of a lot of boos, he wasn't suprised anymore.
- Even though we had no idea what Warrior was saying, I guessed Hart/Hogan vs Warrior/Sting.
- I'll skip Hogan talking, so, about all the Horsemen segments.
- They were fun and all, but I wanted to see them wrestle!
- The Horsemen were in a real sky box, and I could see them from my seat. Mongo came out during a commerical break late in the second hour.
- Alex Wright vs Fit Finlay
- Lots of people, including myself, were dancing along with Alex.
- After Finlay nailed Bulldog, he ran full speed after Alex, who bolted for the entrance. It was funny to see.
- La Parka's team vs Chavo's team
- Everyone was just waitng for the lWo to come out. It seemed speed up for some reason.
- I couldn't tell what Eddie was saying...the mic was giving a weird echo. But, I thought, until I read Wade's report, that from the way Chavo was standing with Eddie, he joined.
- I totally gasped when Scott dropped Buff over the ropes. But, he got up after the commerical break, grabbed the mic and said "I love Chicago."
- I was mad at Prince...Disco didn't have enough time to get funky in the pajamas he was wearing.
- I was also befuddled as to why Kidman was running off Disco. Did I miss something?
- DX Style, for those wondering at home
- I swear, I thought Hall was going fall off the ramp.
- What was the point of this segment? Drunk driving is good?
- Made abosutely no sense to me...why these two?
- The only think I could think of was that Raven got in trouble for being backstage at the ECW show this weekend. It just didn't fit.
- Rick Steiner really didn't do an interview. I don't want to remember.
- One more thing about the Bischoff/Four Horsemen stuff
- Sending Eric Bischoff through the crowd is about the stuipdest thing you could ever do. He got nailed from all directions with flying liquids.
- The LAMEST finish of all time...Goldberg wins by CO??? How the heck does Stevie Ray and DDP come in and interfere, yet no DQ? They didn't announce no-DQ in the building.
- Guess things with the Giant and his contract are going well enough for him not to be jobbed clean here.
- Bladerunners vs. Hart/Hogan
- I had my doubts that Warrior was going set foot in the ring, seeing as he never took off his vest.
- The show ended with Warrior and Sting hugging, taking a bat each (Sting had a black and a normal one) and going to corners, raising their hands in the air.
The crowd was dead throughout most of the evening. Even during the final two matches, the crowd was definitely not into it like at Nitros past.
Once again, a lot of things took place outside the ring, and the crowd can't hear what was going on. Everyone enjoyed the Horsemen skits, but it would have been nice to have it happen where anyone in the arena could see it.
Biggest pops of the night by far went to the Wolfpac, and of course Hogan got the loudest jeers.
Penzer announced before the show that we would see Hall, Norton, and Stevie Ray vs. Nash, Lugar, and Konnan, but that never happened, and the crowd was never told why.
Warrior got once again booed heavily by the crowd, and after Nitro went off the air, the two former Bladerunners stood in the ring with bats playing the crowd. During the last match, I don't know what they showed on TNT, but Bret Hart got hit in the head with something and as he walked back to the lockeroom he was giving people the finger and had a chair over head to protect himself.
Finally, and probably the best part of the evening was as Goldberg came out for his intros, a firework somehow landed on top of the announcers position, and caught on fire. At first it was a small fire and then suddenly it became bigger, and our section (being right near the announce position) started to yell fire, at which Tony looked up, and the three commentators jumped out of the chairs. They were all laughing, but then the crew couldn't find a fire extinguisher. So, a guy tried to climb the set and smash the fire out, but by the time he had reached the top another crew member found an extinguisher and not only put out the fire, but sprayed the other member in the face with the extinguisher! Pretty funny stuff, and nice to see Tony's lightning quick reflexes!