This week's opener will be short and sweet. Nothing says "Suck It" better
than having two tests back-to-back on the same day. Anyway, enough of my
bitching, let's get to some mail, then pop the lid off another edition of
WCW Thunder.
And without further ado, the mailbag:
Tyler McMurchy has a little ditty about Chris and Tony,
which should not be confused with Jack and Diane, two American kids doing
the best that they can:
I don't know if you noticed, but when Jericho was coming down the aisle,
he looked into the camera and said "Tony Schiavone, you better be
talking about my match."
Tony, of course, was talking about Warrior, Hogan, and other such tripe
and completely ignoring the match, and the comment.
I would doubt Jericho is the only worker that feels this way. What do
you think?
Well, both federations usually ignore their matches and talk
about their main-eventers even when a talented mid-carder like Kanyon or
D-Lo Brown is in the ring giving their all for the fans. WCW tends to do
this on an awful extreme scale during Nitro, though. This has been mentioned
by other members of the DDT Digest staff, but I will reiterate it again. In
order for WCW to survive the next decade, the promotion has to show an interest
in building its younger talent to prepare itself for when Hogan, Hart, Flair, et al
call it a career. WCW has gotten a good start by pushing Kidman to a Crusierweight
Title reign and Jericho as the most solid heel, but would the fans really
get a good impression of the younger guys when the head announcer continually
refers to Hogan, Warrior, and the nWo? There is definite room for improvement
in this category.
In what has to be one of the best laughs I've received in an email,
here is a member of The Gentle Family with a great booking idea:
Here's a match I wrote up, if WCW did this it would definately suggest
Duggan is in charge.
The Cat comes out and dares a wrestler to face him.
Out comes......El Dandy!
The crowd goes frigging nuts!!!!
El Dandy with a punch.... and a kick
Cat sells like a pregnant woman.
El Dandy goes up top, went for a froggie, couldn't because of his knees
meeting his Puku half way there.
Sign: El Dandy is my favourite wrestler.
The Cat comes back, but no one cares, everyone is on the side offfffffff
El Dandy!!
El Dandy sits on the Cat's face and Farts.
The Cat passes out, the ref is counting....ohmigod!
four....five....six
nine....ten! El Dandy wins!!!
This, is (sniff), truly the greatest moment in the history of wrestling.
Big 'Dandy' chant from the crowd.
Hah!! If El Dandy grew his hair long and wore face paint, he
could pass himself off as "The Methane Warrior!"
A shout out goes to all the readers who wrote in telling me where to
find .WAV files of the Armstrongs' theme music. Now that I have it, all
I have to do when WCW decides not to give Brad, Steve, or Scott an intro is
to hit a couple of buttons! Thanks!
Opening montage.
And we are LIVE in Roanoke, Virginia for two hours of Thunder!
We cut to the triumverate of terror in the announcing booth.
Tony Schiavone says the crowd has been chanting "We Want Flair."
Tony congratulates Jesse "The Body" Ventura for winning the governor's
race in Minnesota.
This prompts the announcing team to tell us that Hollywood Hogan will announce
his candidacy to run for President of the United States on Nitro.
That's it. I'm moving to Canada.
Seriously, how pathetically stupid is this?!? But, the ludicrousy
factor gets worse as the show progresses! Stay tuned!
We cut to a promo for the next PPV, World War 3.
Match #1: Barry Horowitz vs. Kanyon (w/ Raven)
Barry Horowitz has done the job so many times in his career that he
could be a leading candidate for employee of the year.
Kanyon's gotta be smiling knowing who he's facing. Unfortunately, Raven
is yards behind, looking sullen as usual.
Kanyon gets a mic and says he is keeping it real in the 90s.
Kanyon does his spiel on the mic and attacks Horowitz before the bell
when he doesn't get the desired crowd reaction.
Kanyon with a chokehold.
Kanyon whips Horowitz, whom attempts a sunset flip.
Kanyon decks Horowitz in the sunset flip position.
Kanyon misses an elbowdrop.
Horowitz lands a hip toss and a backbody drop.
Horowitz applies a snapmare into a resthold.
Crowd: "Raven sucks!"
Kanyon with a shoulderblock after a whip.
Horowitz goes to the corner, extends his leg on the buckle, and bashes
Kanyon's head into it.
Horowitz mounts the turnbuckle and pats his back.
Quiz Question #1: After patting his back, does Horowitz:
A) Land a hurricarana for the upset victory?
B) Gets poked in the eye, allowing Kanyon to take control?
C) Walk out of the match knowing he will do the job and retires
from professional wrestling?
The answer was B, by the way.
Kanyon picks up Horowitz and drops him face first for a two-count.
Kanyon with a couple of kicks on the Prince of Negative Push and scores
a Rocker Dropper.
Kanyon goes for three consecutive pins, getting three consecutive two-counts.
Horowitz shocks Kanyon with a roll-up for two.
Horowitz was THIS close to scoring the upset of the year and a certain
push into the upper echelon of WCW! Ahh, hell, who am I kidding? The crack
announcing team will ignore it like they do with the matches.
Kanyon whips Horowitz and puts him into a fireman's carry.
Kanyon goes up top and Horowitz slips out of position!
Horowitz delivers a powerbomb after slipping out for two!
Horowitz delivers two running lariats and sets up for a third.
Unfortunately, Horowitz did the dreaded pat on the back before the first lariat,
so this means he will lose. :)
I was right. Kanyon blocked the third lariat. Flatliner. Win for Kanyon.
YOUR WINNER: Kanyon via Flatliner in 4:03.
As we go to a commercial, we are interrupted by nWo music.
Scott "Roids" Steiner and Buff "Why the Hell am I Playing the Lackey?" Bagwell
make their way out.
Scott tells the soundman to cut the music.
Scott says in four hours Buff and himself went from the penthouse in Los
Angeles to the outhouse in Roanoke.
Scott calls the crowd a bunch of rednecks, among other things.
Scott says that the women in Roanoke are upset standing next to their fat,
out-of-shape husbands and boyfriends and would rather be with him in the ring.
Scott says he is the hookup and gets a negative reaction when playing to
the crowd.
Buff says he has a new outfit on and invites the ladies backstage to wrap
their lips around his zipper. This gets squeals out of the ladies in the
audience.
Scott says he has no respect for authority.
Scott says that J.J. Dillon can fine him all he wants but he is just
getting started.
Scott has laid an open challenge to everyone in WCW but claims everyone
is scared.
Scott refers the the nWo black-and-red as nWo black-and-white copycats.
Mr. Steiner, you forgot to mention them as users of cheap-heat, wanna-be
thugs, and wrestlers who possess a horrendous workrate. Get it right next time.
Scott claims he will take out the nWo black-and-red by himself.
Scott says he will make Lex Luger fear him.
That was six minutes of my life I will never get back. But, we have
our main event set up, so I guess it was worth it. [coughcough]
Promo for WCWSN:
In action: Konnan (Boo), Scott Hall (Hey, yo!), Rey Mysterio, Jr. (Yay!),
and in the main event Lex Luger (Boo!) vs. Giant (He still around?!?)
Ad for the nWo Red Wolf T-Shirt.
George Carlin sells his soul by hawking long distance service in the
form of 10-10-220.
Ad for the new Sting and Randy Savage videos.
Match #2: Raven vs. Alex Wright
You know, with Raven's negative push going on, one wonders if Barry
Horowitz would have scored the win had he gone up against Raven instead
of Kanyon.
We'll never find out, unfortunately.
Raven will be going against Das Wunderpackage tonight.
The announcers talk about Raven's current slump.
The bell sounds, and Raven sits in the corner.
Alex gets a mic and speaks some German, but realizes that the American
crowd only knows one language.
Alex talks some smack about Raven.
Alex contrasts Raven as a filthy slob towards himself, whom is clean, shaven,
and has abs.
Alex turns his back while talking and Raven crotches him from behind.
Alex slides out of the ring and walks toward the back, but reconsiders.
Alex returns to the ring and goes to work on Raven.
Alex does the Nazi-techno dance in the ring.
Alex whips Raven into the corner but runs into an elbow.
Alex goes for a flying elbow but misses and hot-shots himself on the rope.
Lodi comes to ringside and cheers his former leader on.
Disco Inferno comes out and decks Lodi.
Disco tries to send Lodi to the back but is floored by Kanyon.
Kanyon tries to suplex Alex but is reversed.
Alex and Raven fight outside, with Alex being rolled in.
Raven has the advantage and goes up top.
Alex yanks the rope, crotching Raven in the process.
Alex tries to get the upper hand but is pushed off the top turnbuckle.
Quiz Question #2: Does Raven:
A) Land a missile dropkick?
B) Raise his arms in the air, get off the turnbuckle, and go
for the Evenflow?
C) Walk out of the match?
The answer is C. Raven jumps off the apron and walks to the back.
Alex wins this bout by a countout to continue the "Downward Spiral" angle.
YOUR WINNER: Alex Wright via countout in 4:58.
An ad for WCW/nWo Revenge for the Nintendo 64.
Tony Schiavone is in the entryway and calls out Chris Jericho.
Jericho (w/ JPS) has a quasi-Yahoo Serious look tonight.
Jericho refers to Tony as "Skeevone."
Jericho calls the JPS "Ralphus" and says he is the toughest man today.
Jericho says he came out on Nitro and said he respected Greenberg.
Jericho says, however, he is the better champion.
Jericho makes various references to people watching TV and says he is
our champion.
Jericho says he has four wins over Goldberg.
Jericho says that Goldberg has to break Jericho's 4-0 streak.
Match #3: Fit Finlay vs. Booker T
This will be a rematch of former TV champions.
Booker T appears to be one of the few true faces left in WCW.
It takes 23 seconds for these two to lockup.
Booker breaks clean in the corner.
Booker with a side headlock and a running shoulderblock.
Finlay drop toe holds Booker and applies a crossface near the ropes.
Finlay lands two European uppercuts.
Finlay goes outside and clubs Booker on the apron.
Finlay then slams Booker's body on the apron.
Finlay goes back into the ring and applies a snapmare into a chinlock.
Booker whips Finlay into a flying fist for two.
Booker with an arm twist and a side kick for two.
Booker whips Finlay into the corner but meets a boot.
Finlay tries a corner whip of his own but Booker reverses and hits
a spinwheel kick.
Booker does a belly-to-back suplex.
Booker breakdances back to a vertical base and hits the Harlem Sidekick!
Booker goes to the turnbuckle but Finlay intercepts.
Finlay with his forward roll slam.
Finlay with a European uppercut.
Finlay whips Booker into a corner.
As Finlay charges, Booker goes to the top turnbuckle and rolls up Finlay
for the three-count!
YOUR WINNER: Booker T via roll-up in 4:12.
We go back to the three-wide in the booth.
Tony S. talks about MLB's Alex Rodriguez making an appearance on Nitro.
We are promised a Four Horsemen interview and a Jericho TV Title match.
But, first we are tortured with Konnan's new video, which debuted at
Halloween Havoc.
Video or not, Konnan is still a white boy from New Jersey.
Zzzzzzzzzz....
Match #4: The Cat (w/ Sonny Onoo) vs. Kaz Hayashi
For God's sake, what did I do to deserve this?!?
Yoko, I mean, Sonny Onoo is Ernie's new mentor. Talk about the blind
leading the blind.
Ernie says to cut the music.
Rick Rude must be getting hellacious royalties tonight.
Ernie tells the crowd to shut up and talks to the camera.
Sigh....
Ernie calls for someone in the back to fight him.
Kaz Hayashi runs to the ring and the lights dim!
We hear Glacier's music!
As much as I dislike Glacier, I will admit this is a welcome sight
considering the participants.
Ernie goes into a fighting stance.
Glacier's entrance is still somewhat lengthy.
Both fools go into a fighting stance now.
Glacier has the mic and says he isn't here to fight.
Glacier tells Ernie that WCW will not give either of them a break because
they are karate guys first.
Glacier tells Ernie that if he needs help, Glacier will be there.
Ernie calls for someone to fight as we go to break.
No official match, it looks like. And why the hell are they pushing
Meow Mix?
Geico Direct commercial: "Sir, please raise your hand -- 10,000 times!"
Great stuff.
Match #5: Norman Smiley vs. Horace (w/ several nWo guys)
As nWo music plays, I see Norman Smiley warming up in the ring.
Oh good Lord, he's gonna put HORACE over?!?
Kill me. Kill me NOW.
Smiley gets chummy with Scott Norton before the bell.
Horace is in control of most of this matchup.
Horace hits a shoulderblock and an eblow drop.
Horace rakes Smiley's neck on the ropes.
Horace flips Smiley over the ropes with a shoulderblock.
Vincent puts a fist to Smiley outside the ring.
Back inside, Horace applies a release back suplex.
Horace then hits a brain buster for the win.
What the F*** was that crap?!? Smiley did not get one damn move in.
First, the Armstrongs, now Smiley. Is the WCW booking staff that much
against talented jobbers? It's s*** like this that makes me want to
throw my TV out the window.
By the way, I'm a Smiley mark.
YOUR WINNER: Horace via brain buster in 1:39.
This week in WCW Motorsports.
I still can't believe they booked that crap in the last match.
Match #6: Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr.
The "La Raza" music brings out the leader of the LWO.
Mike Tenay continues in his quest to make me vomit by telling me
that Roanoke is "Schiavone Country."
Y'know, Rey's new music ain't all that bad.
Eddie grabs a mic and tells Rey that he has turned the LWO down twice.
Eddie puts out a stipulation for this match -- If Eddie wins, Rey
must join the LWO!
Eddie says Rey can do it the easy way or the hard way and offers a shirt.
Rey grabs the mic and says he will do it the hard way.
With this, Eddie slaps Rey in the face and shoves him into the corner.
Rey fires back with a shoulderblock and a headscissors.
Rey with an arm drag and another headscissors after flipping over the rope!
Eddie offers a handshake and uses this to get a short-arm clothesline in.
Eddie with a chop in the corner.
After a lariat, Rey bashes Eddie's head into all three turnbuckles repeated times.
Rey goes to the other corner and hits X-Pac's Bronco Buster!
Rey gets on the turnbuckle and lands five punches before Eddie atmoic drops him.
Eddie dropkicks the left knee of Mysterio and goes to work on it.
We step out for a commercial break at the 3:00 mark.
At the 5:30 mark we go back to the live broadcast.
Eddie continues to work on the leg of Mysterio.
Rey grabs the ropes allowing him to break free.
Eddie with an abdominal stretch into a backbreaker.
Eddie sets up Rey in the Tree of Woe.
Eddie dropkicks the left knee again.
Eddie does the "kiss-my-ass" motion.
Eddie tries a baseball slide but Rey lifts his body up, causing Eddie to crotch himself on the post!
Eddie limps outside the ring, and Rey goes up top and lands a Thesz Press!
Rey with a backbreaker inside the ring.
Rey goes up top and connects with a flying headscissors.
Rey favors the left leg again, and Eddie dropkicks it.
Eddie unstraps Rey's knee brace.
As Eddie applies a standing figure-four the LWO comes out.
The bell rings and Eddie thinks he won the match.
David Penzer announces this match to be a time-limit draw.
Eddy tries to get a prone Rey Mysterio, Jr. to join the LWO.
Rey turns it down a third time.
The LWO go to attack Rey but Eddie holds all of them back.
TIME LIMIT DRAW: 9:04.
A great promo for War Games by showing the outcomes of past matches.
Match #7: Prince Iaukea vs. Chris Jericho for the World TV Title
The Prince, another former TV champ, will try to get the belt he somehow claimed back around his waist.
No valets for Jericho as he comes out.
The announcers talk about Jesse Ventura and Hogan's claim to run for the Presidency.
Jericho starts off with a short advantage but the Prince comes back with a short-arm clothesline.
Prince with a running fist after flipping out of a back suplex attempt.
Jericho with a shoulderblock.
Prince with an armdrag takedown and a thrust shot to the chest.
As Prince chats with the ref Jericho attacks and hot-shots Prince on the ropes.
Jericho goes to the middle turnbuckle and yells at the crowd.
Jericho with a vertical suplex.
Jericho does the C'mon Baby cover for two.
Jericho snapmares the Prince into a chinlock.
Jericho snapmares Prince again, kicks him in the back, and applies a seated dropkick.
Jericho whips Prince but misses the charge attempt.
Prince whips Jericho into the ropes but is met with a kick when Jericho delays his momentum.
Jericho whips Prince into the corner but meets a bare foot.
Prince with a standing side kick.
Prince leapfrogs over a running Jericho but gets beaned.
Jericho tries a Lionsault but lands on Prince's knees!
A standing switch by the Prince leads to a roll-up.
Jericho turns it into the Liontamer but Prince rolls-up out of it as well!
Prince with a Samoan Drop then goes to the apron.
Prince with a springboard somersault for two.
Prince tries a victory roll but Jericho locks on the Liontamer for good. Iaukea submits.
YOUR WINNER: Jericho via Liontamer in 5:25.
Match #8: Disco Inferno vs. Scott Hall (w/ the nWo)
Scott Hall will be facing "The Dude that Lost to the Chick" in a rematch from a while back.
Hall, like Horace before him, has an entourage of nWo members escorting him to the ring.
As the nWo surround the ring, Disco leaves.
Disco yells to the nWo that he isn't dumb enough to take on five guys by himself.
Disco walks to the back while facing the ring but hits a 7'1" 530 lbs.-plus obstacle in the Giant.
Giant headbutts him and drags him toward the ring.
Giant gorilla press throws Disco into the ring.
Hall goes to work and hits a whip into a running lariat.
Hall does his fallaway slam.
Hall kicks around a prone Disco.
Hall with an abdominal stretch.
Hall messes with Disco's hair.
Disco tries to mount some offense with a swinging neckbreaker for two.
Disco runs to the ropes and is tripped by Scott Norton.
Hall uses this to set Disco up for the nWo Edge and plants him for the win.
A vintage Razor Ramon near-squash. Disco deserves better than this.
YOUR WINNER: Scott Hall via nWo Edge in 2:27.
HAH! During the "This program is brought to you by..." segment they call this show WCW Saturday Night!
Tony S. is in the ring and calls out the Horsemen!
Said Horsemen come out, sans Mongo. Oh, darn.
Arn says that unless there's about, oh, 12,000 people missing a thumb this is Four Horsemen country. 12,000 people cannot be wrong.
Arn sarcastically congratulates the nWo for needing six men to take out Disco Inferno. Words can not do this bit justice.
Arn wonders why Bischoff is being silent when he's got the nWo.
Arn tells Bischoff to pull the trigger and let the nWo fight the Horsemen.
Malenko says it's great to be back in Roanoke and in the Horsemen.
Malenko says his first goal is to get Benoit in Horsemen condition.
Benoit makes cheap heat references to Roanoke.
Benoit says Bischoff's dream world [holds up the nWo signal] will be crushed by reality [holds up four fingers]. Nicely done!!
Quiz Question #3: Upon receiving the mic, Ric Flair:
A) says "Meeeeeeeaaaaannnnn WHOOOOOO Gene!"
B) begins to spaz out and strut inside the ring.
C) begins his monologue with "Four score and seven years ago...."
If you needed me to tell you the answer, I feel for you.
Flair says Jesse Ventura set a standard that only Flair could offer.
Flair says before he goes to the main office he will take Bischoff's office!
Flair says that one day he will tell Hogan what to do!
Some day, I hope.
Flair says if he has to walk around the ring with Aretha Franklin she will sing "Respect" to Bischoff.
Flair tells Bischoff to look at his girlfriend and "File this, baby!" [gives some crotch thrusts] YES!!
GREAT Horsemen segment!!!
Promo for War Games.
At 10:00 P.M. EDT we finally get our main event.
Tony says we are going to go into "Thunder Overtime" if need be as the fireworks go off.
Match #9: Scott Steiner (w/ Buff Bagwell) vs. Lex Luger (w/ an overselling problem)
nWo music brings out Steiner and Buff.
Scott gets in Nick Patrick's face and says that J.J. brought him down to referee at Halloween Havoc.
Nick Patrick says he was just doing his job and gets pummeled.
Patrick receives a scoop slam and is set up on the ringpost.
Buff tells Scott to break Patrick's leg.
Scott wraps Patrick's leg around the ringpost.
This prompts Lex Luger to come out and lay a can of whoop-ass on The Roided One.
Luger with ten shots on the turnbuckle.
Medics come out with a stretcher and begin to haul Patrick away.
Scott Steiner leaves the ring to get some cheap shots on Patrick.
Scott applies a release powerbomb on Luger.
Scott takes Luger's shirt and chokes him on the ropes with it.
Scott throws Luger between the middle and top ropes.
Scott whips Luger into the safety rail.
Buff strangles Luger with the shirt.
Scott with a chinlock on the ropes.
Buff is mocking the Wolfpac by howling like a wolf.
Scott with a whip and a lariat.
Scott kisses his biceps and pelts Luger with fists.
Luger tries a comeback but gets served.
Scott chokes Luger with his boot.
Buff grabs a mic and asks Luger where he is at.
This prompts Luger to knock Buff into the safety rail.
It also provides Luger with another brief house-o-fire segment.
Luger reverses a whip and lands an atomic drop followed by two clotheslines.
We're nearing the end of this confrontation.
Scott reverses a Luger whip into the corner.
Luger raises the boot as Scott charges.
Luger hits the flying forearm and is now ready to Rack his opponent.
Luger puts Scott in the Torture Rack and Mickey Jay enters the ring.
Before Mickey can call for the bell, Buff blindsides him with a miniature hockey stick.
Luger flexes at Buff and goes for the attack but is blindsided by Scott.
Scott puts Mickey Jay on the post and kicks him in the chest.
Quiz Question #4: Scott and Buff run out of the ring when the following wrestler makes the save for Luger:
A) Rick Steiner.
B) Kevin Nash.
C) Doc Dean.
As much as I'd like the answer to be C, the correct answer is actually A.
I'm going to say this matchup was a no-contest.
And with that, we fade.
The Good: Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr., Prince Iaukea vs. Chris Jericho, and a Horsemen segment that is one of the best I have seen in a while.
The Bad: You probably saw this one coming. It's bad enough that Norman Smiley, one of the most technically sound men in WCW's locker room, is a jobber. It's even worse when he gets no offense and puts "Nepotism Boy" Horace over in 99 seconds. Oh, yeah, do we need to add Glacier into the Ernest Miller angle, as well?
The Ugly: My reception went out a few times during the first hour of this program, but it probably didn't affect any of you out there.
