WCW Monday Nitro - Monday, 03/08/99

How about "Mammaries on a Mission"? The "Nipple World Order"? "Two Much"? Er....maybe not. Thanks to Official DDT Digest Fraternity Brother AC Leex for the assist on that one.

So CRZ mentions last week that as the people are saying all the Rock's catchphrases with him it's getting to be like the Rocky Horror Picture Show and I got to thinking things would be more fun if they went the full way with it. (oh btw, for those of you who take things way too seriously, don't blame me, go bug CRZ for inspiring this.)

First, every time Maivia says "Rock" the fans all yell back Rock! ala Twisted Sister's classic I Wanna Rock.

When he says "lay the smack down" the fans do a single hand clap.

Every time he says "electrifying" the fans all make the "bZzZZzzzZZ" zapping sound (If you can get tazer props that's great.)

Rooty-poot candy ass results in the fans showering him with candy. Since I don't think there is any donkey shape candy I guess Wrestlemania sponsors M&Ms would be apropos, though if you can get an Animal Cracker Zebra, that might be close enough.

"Know your role" gets a "You're a jobber." I figure that would be a good universal response. It'd be hard to get people to do JTTS and midcarder and main eventer and all that. Though perhaps if I think about it, or someone more clever than me thinks about, we could find a non-wrestling response to 'know your role.' ('Role' can go several ways, as in dinner roll, dice roll ie 'Snake eyes!' an actor's role etc.)

"Piece of trailer park trash" gets a big redneck "Yeeeee-ha!"

"Take a left on Jabronie Ave" gets a 'And then where do you go?"

"Take a right on Know your role Blvd" gets a "And then what?"

"And check you in to the smack down (single handclap) hotel" can go several ways. 'One bed or two.' Would you like the honeymoon suite?' Something like that. I'm undecided.

Whenever he calls himself The Great One the fans yell "You're not Gretzky"

Whenever he calls himself The Chosen One the fans yell "You're not Jesus either." (I'm not sure about this one, the only Chosen One I really know is Iron Maiden's Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. I know the Jews are the Chosen People. Any help on this would be good.)

"If you smell" - since Maivia likes to take a break after smell it might be interesting to try to get every one to sniff twice when he's done with smell. How audible would 20,000 people sniffing in unison be? (Boy, I never thought I'd ever write *that* sentence in my life.)

"what the rock (rock!) is cooking." receives a "Liverwurst and broccoli!" except in the summer when you get "Hamburgers and hot dogs on a charcoal grill!"

"the millions .. and millions of" is something I can't think of a response for. Too bad he didn't do 'billions' in which case some vague Carl Sagan ref could be made.

And I figure since Maivia is a wrestler (remember wrestling?) they could do a bit for the people's elbow where the fans all stand up at the start and pantomime the removing elbow pad, everyone run to left then run back to the right, then run back to their seat and 'drop' the elbow as they sit make down in their chairs. Then they all yell out "Let's do the el - bow agaaaain!"

Personally, I think this would make Maivia much more entertaining. Instead of mindlessly chanting along, this is interactive. I wish I was rich, I'd buy all the tickets to a Raw and give them to RHPS people who would promise to do the routine, just to see the whole thing in effect at least once.

Reprinted without permission - hope he doesn't mind...

• Funny - the barbed wire didn't have rubber tips in THIS scene...

• Good interview.
• It dragged on WAAAAY too long for the opening, though.

• And Ricky Rachman comes to us live in another pointless segment from Providence, RI.
• Well, pointless except for Spice, of course.

• AC says that she does the choreography, along with Spice.
• She has two fluffy dogs, if you care, along with a sweet Southern accent.
• She goes through some family history, including her father getting killed when she was 10.

• We see a special Hogan interview.
• Hogan talks about his past as Hulk, and his heel turn.
• Hogan says people think he's not a good person.
• Hogan basically says that Ric Flair is worse than him, because Flair showed no remorse about his son turning.
• I think people are turning to USA out of habit right now. The ratings for "Walker" must be going through the roof.
• The worst part is, this is a replay from Thunder. Sheesh!

• Sigh.

• Yeah, I feel like a "G" just watching that.

• Konnan even does his freakin' catchphrases in Providence! AAAHHH!!
• Konnan does some "G-speak" about his video.
• KILL ME NOW! Instead of going to some, oh, WRESTLING, we see Gonnad's video. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHY?????????
• I'm gonna go for a while. Maybe there'll be some wrestling when I come back....

Ok, I give up. Nitro has been on for 20 minutes and Hogan is babbling. No matches yet.

I had to turn it off. I hate the WWF but I will turn it on at 9:00 and hope for something better. I will keep reading your reports to see what I am missing and to see what torment you have to go thru. Good luck comrade.

I'm about to the point of drilling a hole in my head to let the pain out. It's now 8:30pm with no matches. Hell, we haven't even seen Tony Schiavone yet!

• When Flair was talking about "his blonde" waiting for him in Charlotte, Nash said "It's Buddy Landel!" Hogan replied "Or Buddy Rose!" That was amusing - if only it didn't take place in the HALF HOUR OF PAIN....
• Hogan and Nash were rather MST3K in their commentary, but it doesn't take the suck away.

• Instead of giving them a ticket, the cops give Steiner and Buff ticket books and badges, and send them off to do police work. They fine someone for smoking, and turn a guy upside down and shake him when he claims he has no money for the parking meter.
  
• This is asinine.

• Rachman has Billy Kidman with him. Kidman says the belt helps him get the chicks. Kidman also gives props to Rey Mysterio Jr.
• There is BOUND to be some sort of technical difficulty going on wherever Nitro is this week. This can't be planned.

• Oh - it's Torrie Wilson.
• The three want a new plan.
• Bill notes that Hogan and Nash would never be let into the gallery without eye protection. Also, he can't believe someone would be allowed on the range wearing just a sport bra as a top.
• That was......pointless.

• It's now a few hours later, and the three are having dinner.
• They plot to take down Flair. I plot to shoot my TV.
• They try to figure out what to do with the kid (David).
• Torrie talks about a hot friend. If Torrie's a 10, she says, this friend is a 12.
• Nash: "How much for the girls?" (That's a Blues Brothers reference. The MST3K thing seems to be a theme this week.)
• The friend comes in - she is pretty hot. No Torrie, though.
• The chick's last name is Robinson. (That a reference to The Graduate)
• The payoff to Ms. Robinson is $20,000 when the "job" is done. The "job" is scoring with David.

• Jeremy at Oklahoma State University:

  I got back from my Organic Chemistry exam at 7:15 and it is now 7:50. For the last 35 minutes, not only have their been no matches but I have not even seen the freakin' arena yet. These paid announcements are getting ridiculous. I must have missed something in the first 20 minutes because this is ludicrous.

• Dan Cohen:

  As infrequently as I write to you, I usually do so after Nitro has ended at least.

  However, tonight's show (or lack thereof) is such a terrible excuse for wrestling that something needs to be said. So far tonight we've seen Hogan (three times) talking about Ric Flair's ego, countless Riki Rachtman-at-Brown Nitro Party updates (as I see now, THIS is where the wrestlers all went), Bagwell and Steiner as private detectives, a special look at AC Jazz, and recently a firing range scene. Not to mention Konnan's Music Video, Part Deux. And now we've got Hogan, Nash, and David Flair's "mysterious benefactor" getting tipsy and talking about Flair's ego. Ugh.

  I have a feeling that tonight will go down as one of the most infamous nights in WCW history...as much as I hated to think that the company was coming down from the inside, it all seems apparent. They hyped Goldberg-DDP later tonight. It had better be a *****, send-the-kids-to-the-neighbors-and-mark-out-like-a-little-schoolgirl type of match if that's all we get to see.

  If this is the way aspiring bookers should learn to hype upcoming PPVs, I have poor hopes for the future of wrestling.

  And that click that you hear as I send this is every television tuned to WCW in the continental US changing over to the USA Network. It's amazing that after getting walloped so badly, WCW could put this versus a taped Raw.

• I'm so pissed off right now I don't even want to write anything. Gene is in the ring talking about "two nonstop hours to go."
• Gene calls out Goldberg, but Wolfpac music comes on.
• David Flair and Torrie Wilson come out, hand-in-hand.
• Even the hotness that is Torrie can't take the pain away.
• We get a nice panty shot as Torrie enters the ring.
• David says he's here to meet Ric like a man.
• Goldberg's music comes on.
• And, of course, we go to commercial.
• For any of you who want to feel my pain after the show, go here.
• Goldberg's music is still on as we come back from commercial, and Goldberg himself walks to the ring.
• Goldberg talks to David, and says he has respect for the Flair family.
• Goldberg says that, because of that, he's not going to take care of that situation like he normally one.
• Goldberg says David needs to learn respect for his Father.
• Goldberg says that this is his time, and David has no business being out here.
• David starts poking Goldberg, who snaps and shoves him into the corner.
• Ric Flair comes into the building, sees Goldberg attacking his son, and sprints to the ring.
• Ric pulls Goldberg off, and chops him (Goldberg no-sells of course).
• Ric yells after David, but Goldberg grabs him and press-slams him.
• Flair starts getting livid.
• Ric says he is not only the most powerful man in wrestling, and the greatest wrestler of all time. Flair gets some boos.
  
• Looks like the rumors of the double-turn (Flair going heel, Hogan going face) are true...
• Goldberg says that Flair hasn't only lost his family, but he's lost his mind.
• Flair says he's about to become champion for the 14th time.
• Goldberg tells Flair that he's stepped over the line.
• Flair freaks out and says he's the line.
• Flair says he was going to let Goldberg think he was the man, but now, it'll be Goldberg vs. Flair tonight.
• Goldberg accepts.

• As we come back, Hak is in the ring, and Raven comes in.
• They trop their weapons, hug, and start beating each other.
• Raven whips Hak into the barbed-wire corner.
• Raven whacks Hak repeatedly with the Singapore cane.
• Hak takes over on the outside, and does a legdrop-type-move from the apron to the guardrail.
• They brawl up the aisle.
• Hak tries to suplex Raven on the ramp, but Raven reverses.
• Raven goes to the back
• Hak: "Oh my back"
• Raven comes back with a table, and sets it up at the entrance.
• Raven sets Hak up, climbs the scaffolding, and puts Hak through the table with an elbow.
• Tony: "That's never been done."
• Bam Bam Bigelow comes out.
• Bigelow stands over the two fallen wrestlers.
• The bell rings. No-contest, I assume.
• The crowd boos. Must be a great night to be there live, huh?
• Raven and Bigelow brawl. Hak joins in.
• Chastity looks like Pipi Longstockings on acid.
• Tony informs us that the bell was incorrect, and the match will continue with Bigelow involved. Nothing like giving away the match before the PPV.
• Garden-variety garbage spots in the back area of the arena.
• David Flair flits by the camera.
• I have a hard time calling garbage match - it all looks the same to me.
• None really gets the advantage - they just take turns beating each other with various objects.
• The crowd sounds like they're chanting for Zbyszko.
• Raven Evenflows Hak on Ric Flair's limo, but Bigelow splashes Raven before he can cover.
• Raven tries the move on Bigelow, but Bigelow escapes.
• Hak is up and staggering now.
• I'm sure the crowd is loving this one.
• Raven breaks the windshield with Hak's face.
• Bigelow press-slams Raven onto Hak.
• Raven, sitting on the hood, spits on Bigelow.
• More generic brawling.
• This has slowed to a glacial pace.
• It's so slow, we take a look back at the Bigelow/Hak/Raven brawl from Chapel Hill.
• Mercifully, we end this and go to commercial.

• What? More wrestling?
• And it's Lizmark Jr. I don't know how they can have so much star power on one show.
• His opponent - Chris Jericho, which pretty much assures a Saturn-involved screwjob of some sort.
• Jericho is wearing a dog collar and chain.
• Jericho wants the stick.
• He welcomes us to Monday Night Jericho.
• Jericho says Saturn is so embarrassing, he insists on coming out in a dress, and who has the audacity to challenge him to a chain match.
• Jericho says he is a trained master in the chain match - he trained with the yogis on the mountaintop for this very day.
• Jericho, as Lizzie's role model, commands Lizmark to put on the dog collar, and be the first link in Jericho's chain chain chain, chain of fools.
• Lizmark looks around, and finally agrees to put the chain on.
• Jericho uses the chain to get a clothesline.
• Lizmark with a dropkick, but Jericho biels him off the top by the chain.
• Jericho chokes Lizmark with the chain. Scott Dickinson forces the break.
• Jericho wraps the chain around his elbow, and drops "The Hammer."
• Another choke.
• Jericho with a chain-assisted kneedrop.
• Jericho suplexes Lizmark, and does the "C'Mon Baby" pin for two.
• Jericho clotheslines Lizmark with the chain, and does more chokes.
• Jericho wraps Lizmark up in the chain, kicks him, and gets two.
• Tony talks about the Dog Collar match at the first Starrcade: Roddy Piper vs. Greg Valentine. Of course, Tony doesn't actually mention Valentine's name for some reason.
• Lizmark with some offense by choking Jericho.
• Jericho meets Lizmark with a chain across the throat as Lizmark comes off the top.
• Jericho with a double-leg takedown, and the Liontamer for the submission win.

• And, to continue the pain, I have to watch Van Hammer on my TV.
• His opponent: Bret Hart.
• Hart comes out wearing a Calgary Hitmen jersey.
• Hammer with a clean break in the corner.
• Hammer with a headlock takedown.
• Hammer sends Hart to the floor with a shoulderblock.
• Hart stalls on the outside.
• Test of strength.
• Hart comes back in, and applies an armwringer. Hammer reverses.
• More trading of armlocks.
• Hart gets out of a choke and applies a low blow. It's apropos - watching this show tonight has been like a kick to the nuts.
• Hart goes to work on the knee.
• Hammer tries to fight off a figure-four, but Hart gets it cinched in.
• Hart blocks the reversal.
• Hammer gets to the ropes.
• Hart continues to work the knee.
• Hammer reverses a suplex into a small package for two.
• Hammer with a backslide for two.
• Hart escapes and continues to work the knee.
• Hart with a hamstring pull.
• Hart works the knee around the ringpost.
• Hart DDTs Hammer.
• Hart tries to crotch Hammer around the post, but Hammer pulls Hart into the post, face-first.
• Hammer whips Hart into the guardrail.
• The crowd is absolutely dead.
• Hammer tries a suplex, and hits it.
• Hammer ducks a clothesline, and lands the Cobra Clutch Slam.
• Hart gets up and goes back to the knee.
• Hart ducks an enziguiri, and applies the Sharpshooter for the win.

• Hogan and Nash hit the announcers' booth, and chase Heenan and Tenay.
• Nash and Hogan join Tony in the booth.
• Tony hypes Flair/Goldberg.
• Nash says that they've been stretching the truth about Flair, but he hasn't sold it.
• Commercial.

• The 13-time Champ gets the first entrance.
• Goldberg gets the big face pop.
• There goes the bell.
• Nash: "I've never understood, for 25 years, Natche has worn his kneepads below his knees....why is that?"
• They tie up in the corner.
• Goldberg shoves Flair out of the corner.
• They tie up again, and Goldberg does the same thing.
• Flair whoos at Goldberg.
• Flair tries a shoulderblock, but Goldberg doesn't budge. He tries it again, and it's the same thing. Flair tries a third time, and Goldberg hits the gorilla-press powerslam.
• Flair slowly rolls to the floor.
• Flair tries to walk out.
• Goldberg chases him, puts him in a fireman carry, and brings him back.
• Nash, continuing the MST3K-type theme of jokes that not everyone will get: "There was a guy from the Emerald City who was quite a phenom, but I don't know what happened to him..." [Oz]
• Flair with a poke to the eyes, and a low kick.
• Flair with a couple of chops, and another low blow.
• Flair covers, but gets thrown.
• More chops from Flair.
• Flair punches on Goldberg in the corner.
• Goldberg Hulks up, but Flair hits his third low blow.
• Flair clips the knee.
• Flair locks on the Figure Four!
• Flair uses the middle rope to apply leverage.
• Goldberg's not selling the move at all.
• Goldberg powers Flair to the middle of the ring, and easily reverses the move.
• Flair with a chop that Goldberg barely sells.
• Goldberg starts to Hulk up. Yup, Hulk-Up in effect. Goldberg's grunting like Tarzan.
• Flair with a kick to the gut, and one to the knee, and another one, but Goldberg lariats him.
• Goldberg fights back, and we get the Flair Flip.
• Goldberg with knees to the gut, a corner whip, but Flair catches him with a back-elbow.
• Flair goes up top, and of course comes off the hard way.
• Flair avoids the Spear, and Goldberg hits the corner.
• Flair with a big vertical suplex, but Goldberg pops back up.
• After Flair finishes dancing, he gets speared.
• Disco Inferno and the B-team run out of the crowd, and Goldberg takes out the whole B-Team.
• Hogan and Nash hit the ring, and the A-team runs in.
• Flair finally gets up and starts low-blowing the nWo.
• With the nWo beating both Flair and Goldberg, we fade to black.

How the hell could anyone book such half-assed shit? First, you get absolutely NO F***ING WRESTLING for ONE WHOLE F***ING HOUR! Then you get treated to classics like Bret Hart vs. Van Hammer. Your two "name" matches, one (Bigelow/Raven/Hak) just fades away with no ending, the other (Flair/Goldberg) an unsatisfying screwjob.

What do they think they're going to do here? Let's see - WCW's angles are uninspired and feuds outside the nWo almost non-existent. The only saving grace they have right now is their wrestling. So, the Nitro before the PPV, why not have a show with the bare minimum of wrestling? I don't get it. Maybe someone can explain it to me, but as for right now, I'm thoroughly disgusted.