WCW Monday Nitro - Monday, 07/05/99

WCW Monday Nitro - Monday, 07/05/99

Atlanta, GA

By Wade

Subtle

Welcome to WCW Monday Nitro, coming to you from the surface of the sun!
- It's so hot here that, when I let the cat out on the porch, she caught on fire.
It's now 7:54pm, EDT. The WCW Nitro booker should be lighting up his crack pipe right.....about........NOW!
Kevin Nash must have enjoyed booking himself over 16 guys and getting to take home two women last week. So, tonight on Nitro, Nash books himself over every wrestler on the roster, then gets to go home and score with their wives.
Now that we've got the Fake Sting again, can we look for Michael Wallstreet to join up with Savage & Co.?
Some bizarre montage opens the show, with the phrase "WCW Monday Nitro - Don't Miss A Minute."
We look back at Last Week.
And we're LIVE from the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, GA!
- Let me make sure I've got everything on my checklist:
  - Alcohol? Check.
  - Saltine crackers? Check.
  - Linux? Check.
  - Wrestling promotion with no idea how to right their sinking ship? Most definitely.
- The Georgia Dome looks pretty empty, actually.
- Dinky and The Brain will be calling our action.
- Tonight: Mega-whooptie-doo-deth will be performing. Am I supposed to care?
- Also, more "Rap is Crap."
Match 1: Juventud Guerrera vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.
- Juventud makes his way out, and makes it a point to avoid the LOGO OF DEATH on the ramp.
- CHAVITO!!!
- Well, this could rule. How long before Sid comes out to break it up?
- Chavo trips on the ramp and lands on his butt.
- Chavo shoves Juvi to start. Juvi wants peace.
- Juvi mocks Chavo riding Pepe, then does the JuviDriver sign. Nice!
- Juvi gets the advantage with a shoulderblock.
- Juvi with a nice spinwheel kick.
- Chavo gets out of 10-punches-in-the-corner with a hotshot.
- Juvi gets backdropped onto the apron, but floors Chavo and goes up top.
- Juvi hits a missile dropkick, and signals for the JuviDriver!
- Juvi goes for it, but Chavo escapes and hits the floor.
- You can see a replay of the action on the big screen above the Dome.
- Juvi misses a baseball slide, and Chavo dropkicks him on the floor.
- Nice clothesline from Chavo.
- Chavo locks on a Gory Special.
- Chavo turns it into a type of inverted powerbomb.
- Chavo lands a nice standing dropkick.
- Chavo goes up top, but eats boot when he comes off.
- Juvi kips up.
- Juvi with a rollup for two.
- We get a pin sequence.
- Chavo tries to German Suplex Juvi, with predictable results.
- Juvi turns an attempted inverted powerbomb into a type of single-arm bulldog.
- Juvi NAILS Chavo with a type of K-Driller.
- Juvi goes up top, but gets caught.
- Chavo signals for the Tornado DDT, Juvi throws him off, Chavo avoids a JuviDriver, and hits an inverted Falcon Arrow.
- Of course, in our "F*** You, WCW" moment of this hour, Sid and Savage come down.
- Sid powerbombs Chavo, and Savage lands the elbow on Juvi.
- I wanna say that again. F*** you, WCW.
- Sid rants a bit. Sid's wearing the World Title belt.
- The crowd is chanting for Sid.
- Sid makes more sense on the stick than Savage, but then, so does my cat, so that's not saying a whole lot.
- Savage gets booed, and doesn't talk. Thank you, Atlanta!
- We see Nash and Torrie in the back. Nash challenges Sid to a match.
- This had so much promise, but it's sucking so hard now.
- Savage rambles without a point.
- We see a Severe Thunderstorm warning for Raleigh. Not that you care, but I missed the end of the Savage interview. I'm sure the scrolling text and screeching "alert" howl were more entertaining, though.
Have any Austin Powers fans noticed that Savage sounds an awful lot like Fat Bastard?
As hot as it is around here, I think having DJ Ran in my area could lead to a fungal outbreak.
Mean Gene calls out Ric Flair
- David Flair does a moderate facsimile of "stylin'" and "profilin'" on his way down.
- Flair says that he's been looking for his mojo.
- Flair talks about Big Poppa Pump traveling the world with his "hoochies".
- Flair strips Steiner of the US title, and awards it to David Flair.
  - Bill: Oh God.
  - Aldo: Oh my God.
  - Wade: Oh my.
- Flair says that since David beat Nash by countout, he's the number-one contender.
- Charles Robinson comes out with ho's, and the US Belt.
- Oh, and Asya is there, too.
- Flair gives the belt to his son, and the women mob him.
- Buff Bagwell's music comes on.
- Buff makes his way down the aisle.
- Red-white-and-blue balloons fall from the ceiling.
- Charles Robinson hides behind Asya.
- Bagwell calls Robinson, David, and Ric: "Dumb, dumber, and dumbest."
- Bagwell: "If your son has got any guts, because he sure ain't got no body."
- They set up a Buff vs. David Flair US title match later tonight.
Match 2: Vampiro vs. WCW World Television Champion Rick Steiner
- I wonder if Vampiro is going to survive right now?
- Because his opponent is TV Champion "Dogface Gay Biker" Rick Steiner.
- Choosing between Rick Steiner and Van Hemmorhoid is like choosing between ringworm and a tapeworm.
- Rick gives a pointless interview.
- Steiner beats on Vampiro to start.
- German suplex from Steiner.
- Kicks by Vampiro.
- Steiner blocks a frankensteiner with a powerbomb.
- Steiner goes up top, and hits the SBOD.
- Steiner then applies a weak looking armlock to complete the squash with a submission.
- Wow! We're going to set a record for "F*** You, WCW" moments in one show!
In the back, Lodi has presented Lenny Lane with a pair of matching purple-and-pink tights
- They come out of another room.
- The tights are the same style as Lodi wears.
- Lenny talks about Lodi knowing every inch of him, so he's sure the tights will fit.
- Lodi reassures Lenny that WCW is open-minded, and won't care when they find out about them.
- The camera pans up to the doors Lenny and Lodi came through, and the doors are marked "CLOSET."
- BWAAAAAHHH!!!!
- How......subtle.
We look at a promo package about Bret Hart in WCW.
- Mike Tenay narrates.
- He talks about how proud WCW is of Hart, and then talks about the death of Owen.
- We close with a shot of an empty ring.
Bret Hart's music comes on
- Hart makes his way down to a rousing ovation.
- Hart looks at the sky.
- Hart: "I've been told I've got all the time I want, so I'm going to try not to rush myself."
- Hart thanks the fans on behalf of the Hart family.
- Hart says WCW has been kind to him in the last few weeks to give him time to collect himself.
- Hart speaks on Owen: He was a wonderful human being - there's nobody who'd say a bad thing about him. He was Bret's closest brother.
- Hart says that Bischoff wanted him to come back tonight and let people know how he's doing.
- Hart says he's having a hard time deciding what to do with his career, and his life.
- Hart says it might be time for him to move on.
- The crowd doesn't like that.
- Hart talks about Wayne Gretzky and John Elway retiring in 1999.
- He says that those guys were happy when they retired, but when he looks at himself, it sucks.
- Hart talks about giving his whole life to wrestling, but he doesn't know what to do.
- Hart says he's going to take some time, but if he never gets the chance to say it again, he wants to thank all the fans that he ever had.
- Hart thanks the wrestlers in dressing rooms all around the world. It was a pleasure to work with them, and he hopes he wasn't too stiff.
- Hart then says: "That's about it. Thank you very much," and leaves.
Eddy Guerrero runs up to Doug Dillinger, claiming that someone stole his wallet
- Eddy says a masked wrestler stole his wallet.
- Eddy wants Doug Dillinger to round up the masked wrestlers, and he could identify them.
DJ Ran remains in my area, much to my irritation.
Match 3: Earnest Miller (w/Sonny Oono) vs. Jerry Flynn, in a kickboxing match
- Kitty changes his ring outfit every week.
- Oh, that's right. This is the fool kickboxing match.
- There are stools set up in the corner, so this won't be a real wrestling match.
- Flynn comes out with Jimmy Hart, and comically huge boxing gloves.
- There's a TON of lightning in Raleigh right now. And I'm not talking about Jerry Flynn's feet.
- Round 1:
  - Is this the brawl for freakin' all?
  - Nothing happened in this round aside from me getting so bored that I started to pick my toes.
  - The crowd booed their heads off, too.
- One-minute rest period.
- Round 2:
  - Kitty goes down on the mat, and gets a warning.
  - Flynn slips on a kick.
  - This is getting soundly booed.
  - Kitty with a spinning backhand that sends Flynn to one knee.
  - A spin kick to the gut sends Flynn to his knee again.
  - A roundhouse punch to the gut sends Flynn to the knee for the third time.
  - Kitty punches the kneeling Flynn in the head while Flynn is already down. Nick Patrick DQ's him.
- Flynn spears Kitty, and they roll on the mat.
- That was horrible. I mean, it was beyond horrible.
Match 4: Lodi (w/Lenny Lane) vs. Van Hammer
- Lodi's tights: www.lodipage.com
- Lodi signs: "Bobby the Brain is cool," "Lenny's tights are fab," "One more Nitro win coming up," "Atlanta loves Lodi."
- Joy. Van Hemmorhoid.
- Lenny has a freakin' lollipop.
- Hammer attacks at the bell, saying "I'm supposed to be a badass! Grr! Aren't you scared! Grr!"
- Backdrop suplex from Hammer.
- Avalanche clothesline from Hammer.
- Hammer with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a Yakuza kick.
- Hammer puts Lodi up top, and biels him off by his neck.
- Lodi gets dumped to the floor.
- Lenny and Lodi get some of Bobby Heenan's water.
- Hammer follows them to the outside, and introduces Lodi to the guardrail.
- Lenny pulls the top rope down, and Hammer goes to the floor.
- Lodi covers for one.
- Lenny gets some more shots in on the floor.
- Lodi lands a running frankensteiner!
- Heenan: "You take those sideburns off [Lodi], he looks a little bit like Barbara Bush."
- The Lambda Alliance congratulate each other.
- Lodi tries it again, but gets hotshotted into the top buckle.
- Lenny tries to interfere, but gets superplexed.
- Lodi tries a clothesline, but Hammer turns it into the cobra clutch slam for the win.
- Lenny comforts Lodi after the match.
We see the Meng/Goldberg "Little Caesar's" commercial.
Doug Dillinger rounds up Villano V, La Porka, Ciclope, and Psychosis, along with Blitzkrieg and some leopard-spotted guy.
- The luchas all speak Spanish.
Mean Gene calls down Roddy Piper
- Piper takes his time, and finally makes his way down.
- Piper says he's the original highlander of the World Wrestling.
- Piper praises Hennig and Duncum for saving the youth of America, because crap is rap, and rap is crap. Uh.....sure, Rod.
- Roddy's on the verge of a stroke.
- Piper brings up Sting.
- Piper has questions for Sting.
- Sting's music comes on, and a guy in a Sting mask comes out.
- This guy isn't even a GOOD fake Sting.
- "Sting" is almost as short as Gene.
- Piper asks "Sting" if he's an ally of Savage. "Sting" shakes his head no.
- Piper asks if "Sting" has been in a Hummer. "Sting" shakes his head no.
- Piper says he smells a rat.
- Piper tells "Sting" to take his mask off, because the real Sting is afraid of nothing, and is a real champion.
- "Sting" shakes his head no.
- Piper delivers a swinging neckbreaker to "Sting," and takes his mask and wig.
- We don't get a good shot of the guy's face.
- Piper then switches to talking smack about Buff Bagwell.
- Piper challenges Buff to a boxing match at the Bash. Dear Lord.
- WE WANT WRESTLING! NOT BOXING! YOU IDIOTS!!!!
- JJ Dillon comes out with freakin' Mills Lane!
- Dillon says Judge Mills Lane will be the ref for the Bagwell/Piper match.
- Lane works in "Get it on" three times into one sentence.
- Piper tries to prove he's "hip" by working in references to Mike Tyson and South Park.
- I didn't think this show could suck any more, but it's proving me wrong.
Nitro Girls.
DJ "Cool Hardcore Match on USA"
Match 5: Fit Finlay and Steve Regal (w/David Taylor) vs. Konnan and Rey Mysterio Jr. (w/Brad Armstrong, Chase Tatum, and Swoll)
- Yes! "Cease Fire"
- Their opponents: Gonnad and Mini-Me.
- "B.A.", Swoll, and Chase accompany them.
- Gonnad with the Catchphrases of Severe Irritation.
- According to Mini-Me, the call of the soldier is "Hootie Hoo." Just for future reference.
- The Europeans attack at the bell.
- Rey blows a reversal of a double-underhook suplex.
- Regal powerbombs Rey, and catapults him into a Finlay lariat.
- Finlay with the forward roll slam.
- Finlay with a short-arm clothesline.
- Regal back in.
- Regal and Finlay with an interesting doubleteam submission hold on Mini-Me.
- Rey avoids a diving shoulder, and makes the lukewarm tag.
- Gonnad with the rolling clothesline on Finlay, then the mule kick and facebuster on Regal.
- Mini-Me with a bronco-buster on Regal.
- The Cowboys hit the ring, and join Regal and Finlay with the attack.
- Swoll tries to save, but gets beaten down, too.
- Chase and Armstrong get a beatdown, too.
- My GOD! The NLS actually sold a beating! Imagine that!
Match 6: WCW US Heavyweight Champion David Flair (w/Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, and Asya) vs. Buff Bagwell
- US Champ David Flair makes his way out.
- Bagwell makes his way out.
- Buff laughs at David.
- Buff poses at David, who backs up.
- Charles Robinson is the referee.
- Buff cleans David's clock to start.
- Buff suplexes David.
- David with a weak 'nad shot.
- David eats an elbow on a corner charge, then Buff lands the Blockbuster!
- Buff covers David, but Charles Robinson gets an arm cramp at two-and-a-half.
- Buff goes for a Figure-Four on David.
- Ric and Arn run in, but Buff fights them off.
- Buff applies a weak Figure-Four on David, and small-packages Ric.
- Arn and Ric beat on Buff.
- Dean Malenko runs in for the save, and beats on Ric and Arn.
- Buff bodyslams Asya.
- Roddy Piper runs in, and decks Buff with an international object.
- Charles Robinson sends Malenko out of the ring, and then counts the pin as David rolls on top of the unconscious Buff.
- David wins the match by pinfall, and retains the belt.
Nitro Girls.
We get the "Lucha Lineup" in the back
- Eddy speaks Spanish to Dillinger.
- Eddy says that he knows how much the masks mean to the Luchadors, but he needs them to take the masks off to identify them.
- The luchas don't want to remove their masks.
- As each of the luchas pull their masks up, Eddy feigns horror at a number of their faces.
- We only see them from the back.
- He comments that Psychosis is actually a good looking guy.
- Cheetah Kid removes his mask, and it's Prince Iaukea (according to Eddy).
- Blitzkrieg is the last one.
- Eddy says that it wasn't any of them.
- The Luchas aren't real happy with Eddy.
We get some "snow", on the screen, and Tony wonders if we've got technical problems
- Chastity says we're getting a message from Hardcore Hak.
- June 19, 1963, Hardcore Hak was born.
- Hak says that he beat up the doctor who delivered him.
- Hak says he's been fighting his whole life.
- Hak says WCW was stupid enough to hire him.
- Hak says he's hurting people like it's going out of style.
- Hak has words for Ric Flair not sanctioning hardcore matches.
- Hak says that if Ric Flair wants to treat him like a dog, he'll fight in a junkyard.
- He challenges all of the "hardcore" wrestlers to a "Junkyard match" at BatB.
And now, just to waste even MORE time, Curt Hennig and the West Texas Rednecks come out to the stage
- Hennig asks how many "Good Ol' Boys" are out there. A moderate reaction. He asks how many rednecks are there? A bigger response. Then "How many people just plain outright hate rap music?" An even bigger response.
- Hennig breaks into "Rap Is Crap," along with the phantom fiddle player.
- Sigh.
- They get pretty soundly booed at the end of the song.
Promo for "Team Madness"
Match 7: WCW World Tag Team Champions Diamond Dallas Page, Bam Bam Bigelow, and Kanyon vs. Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Chris Benoit
- The Jersey Boys come down.
- DDP: "You love me, you hate me, you'll never forget me."
- Dean Malenko's music comes on, and brings out Malenko, Saturn, and Benoit!
- This'll be a six-man tag match, so the tag belts are not on the line..
- Yes! Something to save this show!
- The ring is showered in wadded paper, for some reason.
- Benoit and Kanyon start.
- Benoit with a big shoulderblock.
- Benoit works in the triple German suplex as we go to commercial about 30 seconds in.
- Roddy Piper gets 10 minutes. This gets 30 seconds. Wonder why the ratings are in the tank?
- As we come back, the Jersey Boys are overpowering Saturn.
- Avalanche from Bigelow.
- Saturn avoids a charging Page, and Kanyon accidentally clotheslines Page.
- Saturn tags Benoit.
- The double-arm clothesline doesn't fell Bigelow, but a dropkick does.
- Enzuigiri by Benoit, who goes up top.
- Page catches him, and crotches him.
- Page tags in and stomps a mudhole in Benoit.
- Kanyon tags in.
- Kanyon suplexes Benoit, then hits a slingshot elbow.
- Bigelow in.
- Bigelow with a bearhug on Benoit.
- Benoit slips out and tries a sunset flip, and he manages to avoid a Bigelow sitdown splash!
- Saturn and Kanyon tag in.
- T-Bone suplex from Saturn.
- Saturn superkicks both illegal heels.
- Northern Lights suplex on Saturn, and all six men are in.
- Kanyon tries to tombstone Malenko, but Malenko reverses!
- Bigelow tries for the save, but Malenko avoids his top-rope headbutt!
- Saturn comes off the top with a splash on Bigelow, then Benoit comes off the top with the Diving Headbutt for the win!
- Good match!
In an attempt to waste EVEN MORE time, Megadeth performs "Crush 'Em"
- Am I supposed to care? I guess not.
- I guess WCW thinks they've given us our wrestling for the week, so we'll be thankful for this.
- At the end of the song, Goldberg comes out on stage.
- The lights go out, and we go to commercial.
Match 8: Sid Vicious (w/Randy Savage, Starla Saxon, and Madusa) vs. WCW World Heavyweight Champion Kevin Nash
- Michael Buffer does the honors.
- Sid comes out first, with Savage, ²/₃ of the Rogaine Ho-Train, and the belt.
- Nash comes out solo.
- Nash says that if Savage ever wants to see George again, Savage, Saxon, and Madusa must leave.
- The crowd starts up a spontaneous "Goldberg" chant.
- Sid and Nash go nose-to-nose.
- They lock up.
- Nash with the elbows in the corner.
- Nash with a pair of avalanche clotheslines.
- Nash clotheslines Sid over the top.
- Savage runs back in, and Nash starts to beat up both men.
- There's been no bell.
- Savage eats an avalanche clothesline.
- Savage pulls Johnny Boone in front of a second one.
- Nash with a side suplex on Savage.
- Sid hits a Yakuza kick on Nash.
- nWo Sting runs down to beat on Nash.
- The three beat on Nash, and Savage hits Nash with the belt.
- The real Sting runs down to clean house.
- Sting sends nWo Sting out of the ring.
- Sting helps Nash up, but of course Nash powerbombs him.
- Nash takes his belt.
- Nash gets a mic.
- Nash: "Savage - you want your old lady? She's in my dressing room....what's left of her."
- Can you say that on a G-rated show?
- Sting walks to the back.
- We see Savage running through the back.
- Savage finds George and Torrie.
- Savage grabs George, who is saying "He didn't touch me!"
- Torrie is grinning at Savage.
- Savage slaps Torrie.
- Torrie points out that George is wearing a Nash shirt. Savage rips the shirt off of George, and roughly shoves her into a hallway.
- We fade to black REAL quick. I don't think that the guys in the truck were real happy to see Savage manhandling two women like that. Can't say I was, either.

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