After the Humvee driver is identified, this is sure to be the next big mystery in WCW.
Welcome to the big pay-per-view report. You know who I am. I'm that XD guy. WheezerŠ is along for the show. Expect more Triumph references. We are Canadians, after all.
So, where were we after the last pay-per-view? Hmm... Sid had hit the scene, we didn't know for sure who the Humvee driver was, and DJ Ran was all up in our area, thrilling crowds of appreciative fans.
And not much has changed. We have a new US champion in the ultra-laughable David Flair. The Internet reaction has been hilarious. People are outraged that Ric Flair is pushing his greenhorn kid.
Ladies and gents, it's the joke. Everyone, including David Flair, knows he's not ready to be a champ, or even a wrestler. It's hilarious. Hey, Bill Watts did the same type of thing seven years ago, and he wasn't trying to be funny.
Okay, so -- who is the Humvee driver? I polled the staff of DDT Digest, and I even asked my bud WheezerŠ. We'll start with his guess.
WheezerŠ: The Repo Man. He repossessed the Hummer because it wasn't paid for. And when he drove away, he took a wrong turn and hit the limo. I don't know, I can't think of anything else. It just hit me while I was having a pee. I hope it's not Mr. T.
Bill: The Humvee driver was Maurice "Mad Dog" Vachon. He was getting even with Kevin Nash for pulling off his wooden leg at the WWF's In Your House VII: "Good Friends, Better Enemies".
Aldo: If I had to make an advance guess, I'd go with Shane Douglas. This might slide past some of the marks, but the following night on Nitro, Douglas could say that it was Nash who held him back up "Northeast" and drove the Hummer as a measure of revenge.
James: Having driven a Humvee a few times in my military career, and given the lack of space provided behind the wheel, my best guess is that the mysterious Humvee driver is Rey Mysterio Jr. Rey is still pissed about the time Nash threw him with one arm like a dart into the side of a trailer, and is seeking revenge on Big Sexy. The apparent lack of control in the crash was due to the fact that Rey cannot see over the steering wheel. The reason it has been so hard to catch him at the wheel is because he can quickly hide in the glove compartment.
Big Mike: Schiavone announces that it was actually the fake Sting driving the Hummer, as a man in a Sting mask is pictured in the driver's seat. But wait, he takes the mask off....IT'S VINCE MCMAHON!!!! He's gotten the drop on the fake Sting that the brilliant WCW bookers placed in the Hummer!!! McMahon takes off on a tear through the arena, trashing the ring, but avoiding Schiavone and the announcer's table (he needs them to stay where they are). The whole PPV is wrecked as Vince drives off into the sunset, as Bischoff runs after him in his limo.
Dan: You should know by now that the driver of the Hummer was none other than the Mountie. He really wasn't trying to hurt Nash, but due to a nasty accident with the Taser a few years back he's been left with a severe neurological disabilty. No sooner could you say "I YAM DE MOUNTIE" his leg was stomping down on the accelerator. In good wrestling form they turned this real life tragedy in the GREATEST ANGLE IN THE GREAT HISTORY OF OUR GREAT SPORT!!!!
My guess? The Village People. If you think about it, nothing else makes sense.
So, the time is here. Opening video rolls. Schiavone blurts some hype. They go to DJ Ran. "All up in your area... rowdy... make some noise... loudest area... is it there?..."
I can't believe they pay this guy.
They go to the two shot. Tony and Bobby Heenan. WheezerŠ is disappointed. No Mike Tenay. Oh, hold on. Mike's out where the junkyard invitational is taking place.
Judge Mills Lane is here. I wonder if he can do anything about DJ Ran.
Off to Mean Gene. He's wearing his tightwad tourist shirt. He says there are folks backstage you wouldn't believe. They'll light your ass on fire! If you want to find out who they are, call the hotline. Yeah, right. WheezerŠ thinks that the mystery people could be Dink or Doink. Maybe Wink?
They go to Tenay in the junkyard. He looks right at home. More hype. He says the winner will be crowned when someone escapes the junkyard. Does that mean Tenay can win? Tenay says the match is not sanctioned, and that there may be people taking part who aren't associated with WCW. Well Mike, if they're taking part in a WCW ppv, they're associated with WCW.
Good gawd... look who's opening the show...
- Miller out first.
- He grabs the microphone and a "you suck" chant start begins.
- Miller calls the crowd a bunch of rednecks.
- WheezerŠ says he thinks Miller has a future as a motivational speaker.
- Inferno, Disco comes out dressed like a... lime.
- Miller talks smack to Disco. Then he threatens to beat up everyone in the arena if they don't cheer for him.
- The red shoes are on. The dance is underway.
- Disco does his one move, the crowd cheers, and Miller attacks Disco.
- The match is on. Was this a dance contest? What?
- Disco gets the advantage. Miller outside. He grabs the microphone and repeats his lines.
- Sign: "The Cat is a Pussy."
- Disco beats down Miller and hits a pair of mediocre atomic drops.
- Clothesline. And a bad one. Disco covers. Two count.
- Miller hits some crappy kicks, and then applies a choke.
- Miller tosses Disco out of the ring. Sonny Onoo kicks Disco.
- The rasslers fight outside a bit. Nothing exciting.
- Back in the ring, Miller hits Inferno right in the Disco balls. And right in front of the ref.
- Miller tries a backdrop. Disco with a sunset flip. Two.
- Miller knocks down Disco, poses like an idiot, and covers for two.
- Slam by Miller. He does the dancing chop and misses.
- Disco bites Miller's hand. Disco bites.
- WheezerŠ: "I wonder what Vampiro's doing. And where's Glacier? I miss him."
- Disco with the Russian leg sweep.
- Miller with a thrust kick. Two.
- WheezerŠ submits. Is it over? No.
- Disco with an elbow and some punches.
- Sonny passes the red shoe to Miller and distracts the ref.
- Disco gets the shoe, nails Miller and gets two. Just two.
- Sonny back to the apron. Disco attacks him.
- Miller puts on the shoe and kicks Disco twice while the ref tends to Sonny.
- Miller covers. Three.
- More dancing.
- Mark Madden with Judge Mills Lane.
- WheezerŠ thinks Madden wants to eat the judge.
- I... don't understand a damn thing the judge is saying.
- Was that English?
- Steiner out first. Sad catch phrases.
- "You don't like me, bite me." Hmm... I've seen that somewhere before.
- Hammer out. The match is on.
- Steiner with the early advantage.
- Hammer with some good clotheslines and a big boot that looked like it hurt.
- Hammer with a vertical supplex. One count.
- Steiner goes for the brawling tactics and gives Hammer a nasty face scrub.
- Rick forces Hammer out.
- Hammer's wearing boots from his heavy metal days.
- Rick DDTs Hammer on the concrete. Rick makes the cover, but it's not falls count anywhere.
- Steiner assaults the ref.
- Hammer with a low blow.
- Back in the ring, they trade kicks and punches.
- Rick rides Hammer's back and smashes Hammer in the face a few times.
- He punches Hammer in the back of the neck and tosses Hammer outside.
- Hammer has a chair. He hits Steiner with it. This is wrestling, after all.
- Steiner in, Hammer off the top with a clothesline. Two.
- Steiner bites Hammer and nails him in the groin twice. Clothesline.
- Steiner with a top rope bulldog, covers for the pin and that's it.
- Um... low blows should lead to disqualifications.
- Tenay hypes the hardcore match.
- Tenay once again explains that to win, someone must escape the junkyard.
- The ref shows the big hardcore trophy.
- Schiavone calls Malenko a young man.
- Malenko is about to turn 39, and has been wrestling for 20 years. You figure it out.
- Ric Flair is out with Asya. Son of Flair is out with Torrie Wilson.
- WheezerŠ on Son of Flair: "He really needs a physique."
- Yes!
- Here we go. This should be funny.
- Son of Flair falls to the mat after a lockup. WheezerŠ laughs.
- Malenko takes down Son of Flair with a series of moves.
- Son of Flair tries a waistlock and is tossed.
- Malenko turns and jaws with Ric Flair.
- Malenko beats down your US heavyweight champion.
- Malenko with a clothesline and a vertical supplex.
- Ric tries to interfere. Malenko drops him.
- Malenko locks the cloverleaf on Son of Flair.
- Arn Anderson in. He attacks the ref.
- Malenko kicks Asya, locks her in the cloverleaf.
- Ric Flair hits Malenko in the back of the head with the belt.
- Charles Robinson's in to count.
- 1-2-3.
- Son of Flair retains.
- That was pretty funny.
- Yes, it's wrestling blasphemy.
- Before the match, we get a video package, showing Master P and his No Limit Soldiers.
- "Hooty hoo" might be the most stupid catch phrase I've ever heard in wrestling.
- Parts of the "Rap is Crap" video is shown.
- It's amazing. WCW tried to turn Master P and his crew into heroes. And it tried to make Curt Hennig into someone the fans hate. Just the opposite has happened.
- Team Country: Curt Hennig, Bobby Duncum Jr., Barry Windham and Kendall Windham
- Team Rap: Konnan, Rey Mysterio Jr., Brad Armstrong (*snicker*) and Swoll.
- A few other No Limit Soldiers are at ringside.
- I reached my limit with these guys about three minutes after their debut.
- Konnan grabs the microphone and goes through the catch phrases, including the homosexual recipes.
- Rey grabs the mike. "Hooty hoo." Oh, piss off Rey.
- WheezerŠ can't believe Armstrong is in this match.
- Barry and Rey begin.
- Rey gets the better of Windham, culminating in a moonsault.
- Hennig tagged in. Rey dazzles him with the aerial stuff.
- Armstrong in.
- Hennig does a cartwheel. What a clown.
- Armstrong with a slam. Duncum tagged in.
- Armstrong gets the advantage. Swoll in.
- He pastes Duncum with a clothesine, but gets a boot in the face.
- Duncum hits a running clothesline. Two count.
- Kendall in. Swoll with a clothesine. Kendall with a low blow and a clothesine.
- Kendall misses a corner clothesine. Rey tagged in.
- Kendall gets the advantage. Boot to the head. Punches.
- Rey with a boot and a couple of Erik Watts dropkicks.
- Rey with some flashy stuff. Konnan comes in and plays with himself.
- Rey and Konnan get the better of Hennig and Duncum.
- Konnan checks his equipment again.
- Swoll in. Slam on Duncum. Duncum misses a crossbody block. Two count.
- Rey hits a legdrop. Swoll covers. Three. Duncum's gone.
- Swoll and Hennig battle inside.
- Duncum fights with the No Limit Soldiers who came to ringside.
- Barry with a supplex on Konnan.
- Barry and Windham with a double clothesline on Konnan.
- Hennig with a nasty chop.
- Armstrong gets the tag. He hits some solid shots, but looks ridiculous on this team.
- Here comes the
PerfectplexHennigplex. Three. - It's even.
- Kendall works over Konnan. He misses a second rope kneedrive.
- Konnan with the rolling clothesline.
- Barry saves Kendall.
- Rey with a springboard dropkick to Kendall's back, setting up a Konnan DDT and pin.
- The No Limit Bores are beating up Kendall on the outside.
- Barry with a sleeper on Konnan. Konnan escapes.
- Barry with a clothesline. Two.
- Konnan clotheslines Barry over the top.
- One of the No Limit Soldiers grabs Barry and drags him away.
- The ref counts out Barry Windham and Konnan.
- We're down to Hennig vs. Rey and Swoll.
- Swoll with a few punches.
- Barry Windham comes back. The No Limit dude chases him away.
- A No Limit Soldier named 4x4 attacks Hennig on the outside.
- How about a disqualification, ref?
- Rey stands on Swoll's shoulders and splashes down on Hennig.
- Three.
- That match really sucked ass. The No Limit Soldiers were allowed to cheat all they wanted.
- More crack-inspired booking.
- Your participants...
- Hardcore Hak.
- Brian Knobbs.
- Public Enemy.
- Jerry Flynn.
- La Parka.
- Hugh Morrus.
- Steve Regal.
- Fit Finley.
- Horace Hogan.
- Dave Taylor.
- Silver King.
- Mikey Whipwreck.
- WheezerŠ was hoping for Jim Neidhart.
- So, the wrestlers start in a circle of stacked cars...
- It's mayhem. Here's a sampling of the action:
- Flynn shocks somebody with jumper cables.
- Lots of brawling and foreign objects.
- They go to a helicopter camera shot every so often.
- This is hard to call.
- WheezerŠ wants Jerry Flynn to run people over.
- Trust me: you don't want to go driving with Jerry Flynn.
- Morrus misses a legdrop onto a car.
- Jimmy Hart is standing around looking like a nerd ready for roller blading.
- Oh my goodness -- WheezerŠ is in the junkyard.
- More low blows.
- This is just nonsense. Really.
- Knobbs puts a tire over Taylor.
- Finley picks up Tony Atlas... no, wait, it's the hood of a car.
- Rocco Rock and Horace have made it to the fence.
- Rocco's close to winning, but Horace pulls him down.
- Heenan about Rock: "He's wearing his IQ on his back."
- Knobbs jams a tailpipe into Hak's gut.
- A number of the wrestlers head toward the exit.
- Hak throws Finley into the back of a car.
- Finley hops out as someone driving a forklift picks up the car and puts it in the crusher. Grrrrrrroan.
- For some unknown reason, another car explodes.
- Finley climbs the fence.
- Why was there no one there to stop him?
- Diamond Dallas Page & Bam Bam Bigelow will represent The Triad. I guess.
- "Who's better than Kanyon?" Well, Tony Atlas. And the hood of a car.
- DDP with the "you'll never forget me" crapola.
- "Badda-bing, badda-boom, badda-bang."
- Badda-bite-me.
- DDP and Saturn to start.
- Brawling. DDP punishes Saturn in the corner.
- Saturn gets the better of DDP and clobbers BBB.
- BBB and Benoit in.
- BBB beats down Benoit, but gets a boot and a drop toe hold into the buckle.
- Benoit with a dropkick. BBB goes out.
- Kanyon is tagged in. It's a handicap match.
- Saturn tries a t-bone supplex. Kanyon blocks it.
- Kanyon hammers Saturn.
- Saturn goes for the reverse supplex. Kanyon grabs the ref for leverage.
- Benoit in. Double headbutt.
- Benoit clothesline. Nasty.
- Snap supplex. Benoit with a Boston crab variation.
- Benoit catapults Kanyon into Saturn.
- Benoit with the CHOPS!!!
- Benoit and Saturn clear DDP and BBB out.
- Saturn grabs Kanyon by the hair and tosses him.
- Benoit in. Backbreaker. Two.
- Kanyon whipped into the corner. Benoit with a trip.
- Benoit with kicks.
- Benoit works over the leg.
- Saturn in. Dropkick. Nice.
- Saturn to the top and hits a legdrop.
- DDP breaks up the count.
- DDP and BBB attack Saturn on the outside.
- Kanyon brings in BBB.
- BBB with a vertical supplex. Headbutt.
- Benoit breaks up the count.
- DDP chokes Saturn on the rope and hits him.
- Kanyon back in. Another low blow. Two.
- BBB in. Snapmare.
- The crowd is looking away from the action.
- Now an "asshole" chant starts up.
- Kanyon in, and he slugs Saturn a few times.
- Both to the top. Saturn with a great t-bone from the top.
- Benoit and BBB in. Benoit gets the advantage and then clobbers DDP.
- DDP went to the top and comes down, well, weird.
- Did he trip?
- DDP in. He stomps Benoit. Boot choke.
- DDP drops the elbow. Two.
- Kanyon in with a sunset flip. Two.
- Uh-oh. Kanyon's taken off the glove. Chop.
- Another "asshole" chant.
- Kanyon hits a pancake for two.
- BBB in. Low headbutt. Two.
- Kanyon in. Benoit regains the advantage, but Kanyon hits a neckbreaker.
- DDP and Kanyon with a good series on Benoit. Two count broken by Saturn.
- "You suck" chant starts.
- Page with a front facelock on Benoit.
- ...Mmmbop...
- Another "asshole" chant.
- Benoit makes the tag, but the ref doesn't see it.
- Kanyon with a top rope legdrop. Two.
- Benoit drops Kanyon on his back. BBB in.
- Benoit with a reverse supplex.
- The crowd is looking away again.
- BBB misses a moonsault.
- Saturn and DDP tagged.
- Saturn with a belly-to-belly supplex.
- All five are brawling.
- DDP and Kanyon are outside. Saturn and Benoit work over BBB. A splash and a headbutt.
- DDP breaks up the pin.
- DDP tries to hit Saturn with the Diamond Cutter. He's thrown over.
- Saturn signals for the DVD. He picks up DDP and the ref gets bumped.
- Kanyon throws powder at Saturn.
- A confused DDP cutters Kanyon.
- Benoit covers, but BBB pulls Kanyon's leg over the rope.
- Saturn kicks DDP into Benoit, who hits a German supplex for two.
- BBB and Kanyon are thrown into each other and hit the ref.
- DDP hits Benoit with some sort of metal box. He accidentally hits Kanyon.
- DDP catches Saturn with the cutter.
- BBB wakes up the ref.
- Three.
- Michael Buffer is out to call it.
- He says they're going to strap on the leather, at which point I ask if that excites Mr. Buffer.
- WheezerŠ wakes up and laughs.
- Judge Mills Lane is out.
- Piper's next.
- I really thought Piper left this pseudo-boxing stuff behind in 1986.
- WheezerŠ: "It just won't be the same without Mr. T."
- Buff Bagwell is out.
- Sign: "Buffy the Vam-Piper Slayer."
- I wonder what Vampiro is doing now?
- Buff has his own cornerman, er, woman.
- Former WCW World tag champ Judy Bagwell comes to the ring.
- I think the Judge is giving her the eye.
- This match just can't get any better.
- The judge gives the instructions: "Eh. Blub. Burble. Da-babba. Blurt. Mm-naaaa...lesssgedditorrrrhn."
- Piper with a series of shitty jabs.
- Buff with a series of shitty jabs.
- Piper with a stinking, we, stinging right cross.
- Buff regains the advantage and the first round is over.
- During the break, Flair sprays Piper's gloves with something. Catnip, maybe?
- Piper leads with the sprayed glove.
- Buff's eyes are bugging him.
- While da judge checks Buff, Flair cleans Piper's glove.
- Piper beats down Buff.
- Talk about your drama.
- Bagwell knocked down.
- Da judge checks Buff. The match is on again.
- Buff regains the advantage, and Piper's down in the corner.
- That's round two.
- I wonder what Vampiro is doing now?
- WheezerŠ: "What would Brian Boitano do?"
- Piper attacks Buff before the bell, and mommy Bagwell bites Piper's ear.
- She then dumps a bucket over Piper's head.
- Buff punches Piper as Flair and Judy Bagwell tangle.
- Buff with a blockbuster.
- He... covers Piper. And Mills Lane counts to three. "Hurm, twvoo, trah."
- Um.
- Okay. So much for boxing, and the judge's "no nonsense" style.
- Buff wins, and I hurl.
- So... will the Humvee driver be revealed?
- The WCW title is available in this contest. If somebody pins Nash, the belt changes hands.
- So, how does Sting go home with the title?
- WheezerŠ: "I can't wait to see the Hummer driver. I've been waiting for months."
- Haven't we all?
- Michael Buffer is your shill. Apparently, Sting can take home the belt.
- So, I guess he has to pin his partner. Why not just make it a four corners match?
- I'm not sure who writes Buffer's lines, but they should be fired.
- Seriously. It is so overdramatic, I feel like turning down the volume.
- Savage, Vicious & the babes come to ringside.
- Sad Sting comes out.
- Here comes Sig Bexy. Time for a girdle, Nash.
- Sting and Sig Bexy talk a bit.
- Savage talks smack to Gorgeous George.
- Kids, that ain't no way to treat a lady.
- Savage obviously went to the same etiquette school as a lot of the drunken louts seen on Cops.
- They go to a close-up of George, and she has a black eye.
- It's obviously make-up, but talk about the cheapest way to draw heel heat.
- Sting and Savage start.
- George walks over and hangs out with Nash. This enrages Savage. Well, kind of.
- Savage tags Vicious.
- Sid with the regular stuff.
- Sting gets the advantage, and slams Sid's head into the mat repeatedly.
- Sid clotheslined out. He gets back in and regains the advantage.
- They exchange whips, ending in a Sid clothesline.
- Savage in.
- Madusa and Miss Madness attack Sting as Savage yaks at Nash.
- Vicious in with a kick.
- Sid with a bow & arrow, without the arrow.
- Sid with a camel clutch/Steiner recliner.
- Nash breaks it up.
- Savage spits at Nash and misses badly.
- Not only does he abuse women, he can't spit either.
- Sting gets the advantage, and tags in Nash.
- Sig Bexy gets the better of his opponents.
- Later, he'll beat up the entire locker room, brutalize all the wrestlers in the WWF, eat the ECW roster, and then have sex with 21,529 women -- all at the same time.
- Now, that's a booker.
- While writing all that I missed more of Nash's offence.
- I promise you it was nothing exciting.
- Sting and Savage are on the outside.
- Sting goes airborne, misses, and lands on the rail. Once every match.
- Savage's remaining chicks throw Sting into the ringpost.
- Savage brings Sting in.
- Sid's in. Slam. Chinlock.
- The most exciting part of the match so far: a piece of paper floats into the ring.
- Sting escapes, and headbutts Sid in the crotch.
- Nash in with the big boot. He dominates Sid. He dominates Savage.
- All four guys are in. So are Madusa and Miss Madness.
- Sting splashes Sid, the gals, and the Nash. By accident, of course.
- Sid chokeslams Sting.
- Nash goes for the jackknife on Savage. George is in. She nails Nash in the groin.
- Sid with a side slam(?), Savage with the elbow, the cover, and the pin.
- Savage is your champ.
- Wife beaters rejoice!
- WheezerŠ: "I was dreading him as champion."
- That's it. The hummer driver must have been Bob Vila.
That was... um...
Er...
I'll be back with Road Wild. I guess.
WheezerŠ is leaving already, and without a single Triumph reference. Geez... can't say as I blame him.
This is the kind of show that makes you feel like going home and cleaning up.