At least we have beer. Upper Canada Wheat for me. Corona for WheezerŠ. Strongbow cider for Red.
Don't drink and er, drink.
Anyway. Generally, I'd try to write something witty and entertaining here. But with the matches on tonight's card, who needs more entertainment?
- Humperdido! It's Kidman.
- Vampiro & Insane Clown Posse will represent the Pool.
- Vamp on PPV -- it's aboot time.
- Guerrero and company send ICP out, and Vampiro gets beaten up.
- Kidman with a short powerbomb.
- Eddy in. Heenan says he never misses a move as Eddy misses a diving headbutt.
- Eddy and Vamp outside. Back in.
- Vamp lands on his feet after a monkeyflip, and he kicks Eddy.
- Vamp puts Eddy out, and ICP kicks him down.
- Shaggy 2 Dope throws Eddy in.
- Vamp with a front face lock. Eddy chant.
- Violent J in. Bad clothesline. Decent punches.
- Jawbreaker. Tag to Shaggy 2 Dope.
- Vertical supplex. Elbow drop. Eddy sells it well.
- Vamp in.
- Kidman comes in. I think Heenan's on crack. Never mind.
- Eddy recovers and hurancanranas Vamp.
- Chokeslam by Vamp. Kidman breaks the count.
- ICP with a vertical supplex on Eddy.
- Shaggy up to the top, and Eddy topples him. Don't blame the clown.
- Eddy with a superplex.
- Both men crawl for the tags.
- Rey and Violent J in. Rey with an Asai moonsault.
- Vamp breaks the count.
- Raven pulls Rey out, and throws him into the steps.
- Vamp with the nail in the coffin outside.
- Rey's either selling it well, or it really hurt.
- Vamp puts Rey into the steps again. Chop.
- Vamp pics up Rey like a kid, and swings him into the ring.
- That was pretty funny.
- Violent J works over Rey's left leg.
- Rey whipped chest-first into the turnbuckles. Knee breaker.
- Vamp taunts Kidman.
- Vamp with a powerbomb and a knee to Mini-me's mini-me.
- Shaggy with a powerslam after a few punches. Eddy breaks up the count.
- Rey tossed outside.
- Raven taunts Rey. Vamp kicks the little man.
- Rey rolls in. He catches a good clothesline from Shaggy.
- Rey puts a boot up in the corner. Whack.
- Rey with a split-legged moonsault.
- Kidman in. Six-man mayhem breaks out.
- Vamp accidentally kicks Shaggy.
- Everyone's out of the ring as Kidman hits a shooting star press on Shaggy.
- Three.
- Not bad.
- Bigelow drops his belt as he comes to the ring.
- Kanyon does the microphone work. He calls the crowd "rednecks."
- Lots of noise from the bikers.
- Here comes the Heat. WheezerŠ remarks that it's a waste of Booker T.
- Decent pop from the crowd. No fruity-booties here.
- Booker and BBB -- Stevie and Kanyon. Four man brawl.
- Stevie screws up a clothesline set up by Booker.
- WheezerŠ: "F#ck. Stevie's moving in slow-motion."
- The heels stall outside.
- Stevie points at the crowd and claps his hands. The crowd responds.
- Kanyon with elbows to Stevie's head.
- Shoulderblocks in the corner. Punch.
- Stevie catches Kanyon off the ropes. A near-gorilla press.
- BBB in. Stevie with a powerslam.
- The heels are outside again.
- Charles "I have no direction without Flair" Robinson is your ref.
- Kanyon spits at Stevie. He tags Booker. Wimp.
- Booker beats down Kanyon. He should be wrestling for the world title.
- Kanyon with an elbow to break up a hammerlock. Choke. Punch.
- Booker with a dropkick. Tag.
- Red and WheezerŠ are bored. They start talking about Iron Maiden.
- They sing "Run to the Hills" as the rasslers just look out at the crowd.
- Stevie & BBB lock up. Shoulderblocks and a stand-off. Staredown.
- BBB misses a clothesline. Stevie does not.
- BBB with a low blow. Kanyon in with a top rope axehandle.
- Elbows. Choke. BBB whips Kanyon into Stevie, and comes in with an elbow.
- BBB with a snapmare and a chinlock. This match is as boring as it reads.
- BBB with knee to the gut. Kanyon in.
- Stevie with a bodyslam. He misses an elbow.
- BBB to the top. Stevie slingshots Kanyon into him.
- Booker in. He gets off some good offence, and BBB pulls down the top rope as Booker hits it.
- Booker over the top.
- BBB works him over. He throws Booker back in.
- Kanyon with a legdrop driver. Two.
- Booker with a powerbomb. Double tags.
- BBB and Stevie fight it out. The end is nigh.
- BBB with a headbutt.
- Diamond Dallas Page to the apron. Stevie reverses a whip, and BBB smacks into DDP.
- WheezerŠ: "Bam Bam is Spam."
- Booker with a missile dropkick.
- Stevie covers.
- New champs.
- The only Redneck not in the match is Kendall Windham. But he is at ringside.
- The pseudo-Manson music starts. Here comes Saturn.
- Douglas really should drop some weight.
- Shane: try more vegetables and fruits. Cut down on the carbs.
- Saturn gets on the stick. He says he doesn't care about the Rednecks, he just wants to make his mark.
- All six men are in. The faces clear the ring.
- Malenko and Barry Windham get is on. Armdrag by Malenko.
- Punch. Whip to the corner, and a clothesline.
- Saturn in. Headlock takeover.
- Douglas in. He's suckered into the opposition corner.
- Duncum in. Boot to the mush.
- Douglas reverses a corner whip and hits the powerslam.
- Saturn in. Chops.
- Duncum with a boot. Windham in.
- Saturn with a couple of decent supplexes.
- He hits the other Rednecks.
- Windham recovers and tags in Hennig.
- Hennig goes to work -- punches, snapmare and headsnap.
- Saturn out. Kendall hits Saturn.
- Saturn in, and hits a German supplex on Duncum.
- Malenko in, and he hits a few decent moves. Punches.
- Douglas in. Elbow. Cover. One.
- Douglas goes for the Pittsburgh plunge, but Hennig breaks it up.
- Outside, Hennig chops Douglas.
- Inside, Hennig tosses Douglas off the top.
- Windham in. Reverse supplex. Two.
- Windham punches down Douglas. Clothesline. Two.
- Duncum in. Shoulderbreaker. Saturn breaks up the count.
- Rednecks pound Douglas.
- Hennig in. Chops. Duncum in. Kick to the gut. Supplex.
- Chinlock by Duncum. Douglas out with elbows.
- Windham in. Bulldog. Two.
- Off the ropes. They smack heads.
- Duncum in. Douglas tags Saturn.
- Here comes all six. The end is near.
- Man, tag formulas...
- Malenko with a cloverleaf on Hennig. Kendall breaks it up.
- In the midst of it all, Saturn grabs Duncum. DVD. Pin.
- Spare me.
- Sonny Ono is done up like a Japanese biker.
- Red: "He probably doesn't have legs long enough to ride a motorcycle."
- Miller on the stick, and the bikers start revving up the engines.
- I just sent WheezerŠ on a beer run. He's bitching.
- Buff in. Miller takes the microphone off him. The revving starts.
- Buff gets the microphone again. Same deal as above.
- Buff tries it again. He tells Miller he's not popular with the crowd.
- "Why don't you just kiss our ass?" Bad grammar, but you get the point.
- The crowd eats it up.
- Buff with the dancing. So far, more than five minutes of crap.
- They lock up.
- General goofiness. Seven minutes in, and still not much action.
- They brawl for a while.
- Buff hits a few dropkick in what is the only few moves in ten minutes of this shit.
- Buff somehow cuts his elbow.
- This is a brutal match.
- Chokes by Ono and Miller.
- Red: "What a waste of Buff."
- Yup.
- This is so boring. We start talking about television documentaries.
- Did you know dingos can piss through their forepaws?
- Miller couldn't sell a move if it came with a free football phone and a 30-day money back guarantee.
- The end comes when Miller is whipped into Ono.
- Cover by Buff. Even though Miller's shoulders weren't completely down.
- What a terrible match.
- Page out first. Oh no. He has a microphone.
- "You love me, you hate me..." I'd like to forget him.
- DDP teases Benoit aboot his mother.
- Here comes the Canadian US champion.
- Schiavone mentions Jay Leno. I take a sip of my beer.
- DDP bad mouths Benoit. He gets a kick in the groin for his trouble.
- Page reverses a whip to the ropes.
- Benoit prevents a powerbomb with some punches.
- Outside. They brawl a bit.
- Inside.
- DDP with a belly-to-belly supplex.
- Kicks. Camel clutch/Steiner recliner.
- WheezerŠ: "The wrestling sucks, but the beer is good."
- DDP with a fireman's carry into a front slam. Two.
- DDP with a stomach-breaker. Boot choke.
- Knees to Benoit's gut.
- Benoit turns a knee into a roll-up.
- DDP with a good clothesline.
- Boot to the gut. To the head.
- Benoit battles back, but Page hits a sidewalk slam.
- Right, Tony?
- Benoit turns a cover into a pinfall attempt. Two.
- DDP gives Charles Robinson some crap.
- Hey, given Robinson's links to Ric Flair, and given that Benoit beat David Flair for the belt... oh, never mind. WCW doesn't care aboot the angles, why should we?
- Page with a side slam.
- Benoit with some switches. Jawbreaker.
- Benoit up. DDP straddles him on the top.
- Benoit is tied to the tree of woe. DDP kicks him.
- DDP hits the ref. And he takes Charlie's belt.
- DDP whips Benoit.
- Charlie helps Benoit down.
- DDP chokes the champ some more.
- DDP covers. Two.
- Benoit snapped down with the belt around his neck.
- DDP hangs Benoit over his back.
- Benoit flips out of the move, and he rallies.
- Three German supplexes. Three kickouts by DDP.
- Benoit up. Kanyon shoves him off.
- DDP nearly gets the pin.
- Benoit's buddies are watching from the back. Why aren't they running out to help?
- Now BBB's out. Flying headbutt on Benoit.
- Again, we see that Benoit's buds are just watching on as Benoit handles all three Triad members.
- Benoit with a flying headbutt on DDP.
- Benoit retains.
- The end made nooooooooo sense.
- Oh, now Malenko, Douglas and Saturn come out.
- Brutal, stupid booking.
- The main event from Halloween Havoc '90 is on our screens.
- Sid is the Millenium Man. And I'm Barney Fife.
- Red: "Sid can take a nothing day... and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile."
- Well, it's you Sid, and you should know it.
- Check out this sign:
- Good news, huh?
- They finally lock up.
- Sid with some punches.
- As usual, he misses the corner whip clothesline.
- As usual, Sting kicks Sid up to the top rope, and as usual, Sting avalanches him.
- Outside, Sting puts Sid into the crowd. One biker grabs Sid, in an effort to keep him from touching his bike.
- A biker chick spanks Sid's ass.
- Back inside. Sting misses an avalanche.
- Sid with the brawling stuff. Powerslam.
- Two.
- Sid drapes Sting over the rope. He jumps on his back.
- Powerslam. Two.
- More brawling. Clothesline.
- Outside. Sid drops Sting on the railing.
- Inside. Sting kicks out.
- Chinlock.
- Sting recovers. They collide.
- Sting does the usual dazed-fall-into-the-crotch move.
- Sid goes to the top, Sting drops him on the mat.
- Sting trips over Sid. Whoops.
- Sting slams Sid. Sid gets the knees up on a splash.
- Sid with a hot shot.
- Sting blocks a punch. He goes off the ropes and eats Sid's boot.
- Sid up again. Sting meets him. Second-rope superplex.
- Sting with an avalanche. Another.
- On the third, Sid catches Sting by the throat.
- Chokeslam.
- 1-2...3
- Sid gets a clean win.
- Wow.
- Remember: Chris Jericho wasn't good enough to get a match with Goldberg, but Rick Steiner apparently is.
- Gimme a break.
- From what I can tell, Steiner's TV belt is not on the line.
- Sparks shower. Goldberg is on the way to the ring.
- The new music just doesn't do it for me. Bring back the old tune.
- "Goldberg" chant.
- Brawling. Goldie hits a clothesline.
- They collide.
- Goldberg knocks Steiner to the outside.
- Steiner in. He throws the ref at Goldberg.
- He attacks Goldberg, and rips the knee brace off him.
- Steiner uses it on Goldberg. Blows and chokes.
- Clothesline with the brace.
- Steiner grabs his pee-pee. Time for a neutering.
- Steiner with a supplex. Brace to the head.
- DDT.
- Goldberg fights back. Press into a powerslam.
- Spear.
- Goldie signals for the jackhammer.
- There it is.
- 1-2-3
- Another clean finish.
- How'd that happen?
- WCW, please, please, please make this the last time we have to endure Dennis Rodman.
- Hey -- is Savage going to reveal who the Humvee driver is?
- Rodman out in a fruity looking get-up.
- Savage. No Gorgeous George.
- Rodman picks up the microphone, and speaks pseudo-english.
- Rodman says "Where's my bitch?"
- Savage says Rodman's his bitch.
- Rodman says something else, and uses the word "shit."
- They brawl outside.
- Savage tossed into the rigging.
- Back inside.
- Rodman with an elbow.
- Short-arm clothesline.
- Russian leg sweep. Rodman's in control.
- Note that Savage will sell for a basketball player -- but not for young rasslers.
- Rodman threatens the ref.
- He knocks him out.
- You know, I thought Rodman was the face, and Savage the heel.
- Another ref is in the ring.
- Savage gets up and gouges Rodman's eyes.
- Kick to the head.
- Savage drops Rodman over the top rope.
- Savage attacks Ross Forman, WCW photographer. He takes Forman's camera and hits Rodman with it.
- Savage threatens the substitute ref. Another ref ko'ed.
- Savage hits a third ref.
- Rodman tosses Savage to the floor.
- They make their way up the ramp.
- Rodman tossed into the railing several times.
- We have a fourth ref.
- They're on the rampway.
- Rodman tossed into some garbage.
- Rodman is locked into a portable toilet. Savage pushes it to the side.
- Something that looks like excrement pours out. Red says it's just dog food and apple juice. He's probably right -- but it looks gross anyway.
- We're back to Randy Savage and shit. It's the theme of the summer.
- They eventually get back to the ring.
- Rodman misses a flying clothesline. A fourth ref is hit.
- George comes to the ring. She gives a chain to Savage.
- Nick Patrick is your fifth referee.
- "Show your tits" chant starts. Now that's class.
- Savage hits Rodman with the chain. 1-2-3.
- No Hummer driver.
- Assholes.
- So, if the match is a draw, will both of these stiffs leave?
- Michael Buffer is in the ring. The usual hyperbole is spewed.
- Retirement. Uh-huh. Hogan's "retirement" last year ended after 5˝ weeks.
- Nash out first.
- Here comes Old Yeller.
- He's limping. Somebody put him down.
- Red's dying watching this.
- The bikers rev up for the Huckster.
- Nash wins the first test of strength. And the second.
- Hogan wins the third.
- Headlock by Nash.
- Red: "This is riveting."
- Hogan gets out with a reverse supplex.
- Nash outside. He plays with his hair.
- Inside, they lock fingers.
- Test of strength. Hogan on one knee. What drama.
- What drama?
- Tony just called Hogan "the most amazing athlete ever."
- We missed you, Tony.
- Nash beats down Hogan.
- Red yawns so loud, my cat runs downstairs.
- The three of us tap out, hoping the match will end. It doesn't.
- Nash with the hipchecks. Boot choke.
- Nash measures Hogan.
- Geez... these two guys always wrestle the same, pathetic matches.
- Nash with the crotch chop. He misses the elbow.
- Hogan with the electrifying punches.
- Hogan stands on the second rope and delivers... punches.
- Hogan with an eye poke. Punch.
- Nash goes to the eyes. Forearm to the kidneys.
- Punches by Nash. Another sad boot choke.
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is the promotion that let Paul Wight and Chris Jericho leave to push guys like Hogan and Nash.
- Nash with a side slam, and they go outside.
- Nash slams Hogan into the rigging.
- Back inside.
- Nash drapes Hogan over the rope, and drops on him twice.
- Nash pushes Hogan into the corner for... punches.
- He measures Hogan again.
- Whip. Nash with the boot to the face.
- Nash gets the bikers to rev it up.
- Nash with the powerbomb.
- 1-2... kickout.
- Nash is going to lose this.
- Hogan, for some reason, is juicing.
- Hogan rallies.
- Big boot.
- Legdrop.
- 1-2-3.
- Surprise.
- That match was a slow-motion, sad ass DUD.
- Thanks, Uncle Eric.