WCW Monday Nitro - September 13^th, 1999

By Mel

Heya, folks. Mel here, making my official return to the hallowed halls of the DDT Digest. A couple of you more avid Bill-brand marks may recall my house show report from Los Angeles that took place earlier this year--apparently, someone out there enjoyed it, and I was offered a position as bench writer for this awesome site.

It's my pleasure to try and fill Wade's considerable shoes with an emergency cover of tonight's post-PPV extravaganza (his cable is out). The buzz on Fall Brawl was that it was a manure heap, from all opinions that I've fielded.. as shocking as that might seem. Admittedly, the concept of heel Sting tickles me, since I've always been a huge fan of the man's work ethic, as well as the way he handles the stick.

But anyways, I digress. Tonight's show should be intriguing, considering that this heralds the arrival of the post-Bischoff era in WCW. For those of you who don't scan the crap sheets, it's pretty well-circulated knowledge that Eric Bischoff was given what's been described as anything from a demotion to a pinkslip, mostly concerning his rampant usage of Turner dollars to sign big-name music acts that proved to have little clout in the ratings wars. In my ever-humble opinion, RAW hasn't shined much brighter over the last month, which may just be a backlash from the limited roster being siphoned onto Smackdown for more appearances.

Oh, these are dark times we live in, folks. =)

Without further ado, we are LIVE from the Deandome in North Carolina!

Due to the usual logistics mess that comes with the tragically bohemian lifestyle of young San Francisco art students, we, on the other hand, will be coming to you LIVE from the basement rec room of Hodge's parents house.

We open with a recap of the Hart challenge to Hogan, the Sting-Lexy-Hulkster soap opera (Complete with a rewind of the laughable Scooby-Doo "lights off" beating.)

• True to WCW form, the promo ends premature to last night's Pay-Per-View events.

The Nitro Girls do their thing on the Mortal Kombat stage to open the show.

The Two Stooges give lip service the title changes, the Sting angle, and everything else completely unrelated to our first match. Which, coincidentally, will be...

Match Number One: Chris Benoit vs. Dean Malenko (For the Number One contendership to the WCW World Heavyweight Title)

• Finally. They do something right, with the first example of shutting up and wrestling that I've ever seen on this show.
• We start with a review of the needless Sid interference from last week.
• The Crippler makes his entrance first, to Saturn's old theme.
• "Peoria, Singapore.. are you ready for a Revolution?"
• "Erm.. I mean.. Chapel Hill.. are you.. damn, never mind."
• Did anyone else laugh at the similarities between that and the Southwest Airlines "Gotta Get Away?" commercial featuring the rappers in Detroit?
• Dean icemans his way to the ring in secondary position. This one'll be impossible to do justice to.
• A surplus of armdrags, standing switches, and armbar reversals to start.
• "Meatball" Shane Douglas and Saturn are at ringside for this one.
• Benoit finally gains the advantage with a side enziguri, followed by more impossible-to-define reversals. Finally, a wheelbarrow slingshot sends both men over the top rope and outside, where the two brawl before being separated by the other Revolution members.
• Dean straps on reclining armbar, followed by a modified version of the same move over the knee.
• Benoit actually hefts Malenko up FROM the mat, and nails a back suplex that drops them both for an eight count.
• Benoit with a viciously stiff side elbow, and a two.
• Chops that can be heard in the concession colonnade by the Crippler, but Dean counters with a shoot-style anklelock.
• Kneedrops to the thigh by the Iceman, and a standing grapevine leglock.
• Malenko teases like he's going to wishbone, but then hooks on a reverse shoot-style leglock, which, naturally, Benoit sells like he were getting his gums pierced.
• A complex sequence has both men up to the top rope for a vicious snap superplex, courtesy of Benoit.
• Both men up on seven, and right into a double clothesline. The official tags it as a double pin, for a mutual two count.
• Benoit eats a boot, but counters out of a hurricanrana attempt by Malenko for a cover. During the commencing wrestling clinic, Benoit works out the rollover German Suplex for one, but Malenko counters the second with a forward rollup.
• Stiff back bodydrop by Benoit, with more pinfall attempts coming fast and furious.
• Benoit goes up top for the swan dive, but Malenko counters with a Sasuke-style top rope fisherman's buster. Both Revolutionaries hit HARD, but too much momentum ends up having Benoit on top of the pinfall.
  
• One. Two. Three. Chris Benoit has a date with Sting for the WCW World Heavyweight Title. I can hang with that.
• I apologize in advance. (A) for the spotty coverage. There's no way to do those guys proper justice in a play-by-play. And (B), if you happened to miss the match itself.

Commercials.

We're back, and the Pocket Mook has the mic in the ring.

• His guest for this segment..
• Ric Flair! Jeah!
• Flair looks like he's gotten some sleep in the last six weeks. We get a little bit of stylin' and profilin' as he makes his way to the ring.
• Flair works the crowd like one giant udder, and gets an immense pop for his trouble.
  
• The interview makes vague allusions to the backstage implosion, but no specifics. Gene warns the Natchah Boy against 'talking about it', but suffice to say, Flair's happy to be free.
  
• We go into shill mode, as the Scheme One diverts the conversation into a discussion about Sting. Such brings out the new world champ and the Two-Move Package.
• Sting and Lex say they respect Ric, but it's their time, and they want Ric to do the right thing and take a hike.
• Ric teases a leave, but comes back to dote the two sprats over matters of respect.
• Flair says the two have to earn their shots, which results in a Luger forearm.
• Lexy shows that his arm's all healed by racking the fourteen-time world champ, followed by a Sting deathlock.
  
• Out comes Bret and the Hulkster, which ends up with a lot of grunting and finger-pointing, but no punches thrown. The heels take off, and Hogan reaches for the mic.
  
• Hulk huffs, puffs, and says 'ass' a lot. Apparently, we can expect Luger and Sting versus Hogan and Hart for later tonight.
• Supposedly, Hulk is doing it "for Flair". Uh.. right.
• In back, Luger and Sting giggle over a monitor under the premise that Lexy is not medically cleared and doesn't have his ring tights, so no match.
• For that notion, I have two words for ya--"Neilsen Families".

Commercials.

We return, to the "Encore presentation is still available" stills edition of the Sting-Hogan contest from the Pay-Per-View.

• I will say one thing off on a random tangent, here. Since DDP's weight has been cut, his work rate has been phenomenal. Considering a 40-something-year-old-guy hitting a standard suicide plancha and eating tough pins is anything but the norm in the current dismal WCW picture.

In back, Berlyn's entourage has arrived.

More commercials.

DJ "Damn, RAW Isn't On Yet!" wants us to make some noise. When we refuse, he allows the purity of evil to guide us, and out comes Ricky Rachtman.

• This guy sucked on Loveline. He sucked on Pirate Radio. He sucks, he sucks, he sucks.
• Rachtman: "The women in North Carolina are finer than the women in Miami!"
• No, Kim isn't that tall. Ricky's just about five-foot-three.
• Forgive me, Wade, but Spice looks like a ten-year-old boy in the outfit she's got on.
• "Zulie" won the Miami contest last week. Yum.
• Say, I wonder what she does the brunt of her dancing..? Cough. Cough.
• Our first North Carolina contestant is my mom.. NOOO!
• No, actually, it isn't MY mom, it's some woman named Alison.
• Er. She looks like she might be someone's mom, though.
• The other finalist is a bubbly piece of blonde happy skin named Ashley.
• Ashley wins. Next?

In back, Drew "JJ" Carey is on the phone with a medical specialist somewhere in Florida.

• JoJo wants the skinny on Lex Luger's medical clearance.
• Apparently, Lexy's been good to go for three weeks.
• That's as bad as when the principal calls your mom, and finds out that you forged your sick excuse.

Commercials.

When we come back, we're given the Benoit/Side clusterf*** slideshow.

Match Number Two: Erik Watts vs. Disco Inferno

• My god. Erik Watts looks exactly like Weird Al. Circa the "All About the Pentiums" music video. Throw in the JJ-Drew Carey connection..coincidence?
• Daddy's Boy The First will be facing the Booty-Shakin' Badass.
• Punches by Test Jr. to start.
• Disco stymies a hiptoss, but gets recycled by a guillotine slam.
• Disco up, and into an armdrag.
• Reversal off the ropes, and an atomic drop by the Dancin' Fool.
• Disco works the boots home on Al in the corner, but eats corner on a return charge.
• Watts hits a nasty powerbomb on Disco ONTO the turnbuckles.
• Two count, followed by abundant boots to the ribs.
• Disco's up, and counters a Watts Russian legsweep attempt with one of his own.
• The partycrasher elbowdrop is evaded by Big Pants.
• Out of the friggin' blue, the crowd is suddenly exploding. It sounds like someone flipped a "Canned heat" switch.
• We get a closeup on "Boring... Where's Sid?" sign.
• Followed by a split screen of said annoyance. Vicious mumbles unintelligibly to himself, as Disco nails the Last Dance on Little Diesel to cap the win.
• Disco works his mojo on the mic, but Sid arrives in the ring with the chokeslam.
• Big Weird Al gets a powerbomb.
• We're now at "Eighty-Two and Zero".

Okay, an interjection here. I would do anything to contribute to the DDT Digest, but understand that convincing my fellow television watchers to sit through Sid doing his.. Sid thing on the mic.. is quite impossible.

• Someone's finger slips, and Raw comes on to soothe a roomful of jangled nerves.
• Linda MacMahon has announced a five-way dance for the number one contendership to the WWF Heavyweight Title tonight.
• I feel dirty. How did Bischoff do that stuff with a clean karma?
• On Nitro, Sid finally shuts the hell up, and we go to commercials.

As mentioned. Commercials.

Match Number Three: Silver King vs. Norman Smiley

• Mana from the heavens! The Stocky Icon lurches out, complete with goofy faces!
  
• He'll be facing..
• YES.
• Norman Smi-lay.
• Power matchup to start the inevitable Sid sacrifice.
• Exchange off the ropes, with Norman biting an enziguri, and then a somersault senton, by the TRUE King of pro wrestling.
• Irish whip into the ropes, and Silver hits the most laughable fake tope' that I've seen in a while.
• Returning to action, SK interrupts a Smiley SMBU attempt, and pays for it by getting snookered into a wheelbarrow position. Smiley spanks him liberally (No, really.) before he complete a scoop slam.
• Silver King misses a moonsault, but hits a second triangle jump onto Norman.
• And, of course, such incredible aerialism earns the Stocky Icon a chokeslam by the newly-arrived F***ing Sid.(Courtesy; Wade)
• Whoops. The channel flips again, as Sid sulks around and bellows at the sniveling Tony and Bobby.

Commercials.

We return into footage from the Berlyn/Hacksaw Jim Duggan magnum opus from the Pay-Per-View.

• Naturally, since nobody really cares about either Berlyn, OR Hacksaw, we're treated to the actual moving picture type of recap.

Match Number Four: The British Gentry (Steven Regal and Dave Taylor) versus The Windham Brothers

• The Brits have the first whack at the ramp, and Mr. Europeon Uppercut has a new fluffy-sleeve overcoat, like Regals.
• They'll be going up against the Cowbell Crew. Hennig will be playing second to his fellow Rednecks, as will the Most Useless Man In Wrestling.
• Whoever conceived Vincent as a cowboy should be kicked. Preferably hard.
• Kendall and Regal come out to set things off, and, as expected, Steven makes Windham look really bad with his fluidity.
• Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Front facelock. Standing switch.
• A tag to Barry, followed by a tag to Dave.
• Taylor hits.. you'll never guess.
• Yes! A European uppercut!
• Barry with an armdrag takoever, and a tag to Kendall. Taylor masticates a double team before finally busting loose.
• Taylor nearly makes the hot tag to Regal, but gets headed off at the pass. So to speak.
• Regal finally gets in, following a double-team on Taylor in the corner.
• Regal with his limp-wristed punches, and a swinging neckbreaker.
• Taylor's back in, and going to work with a modified grapevine leglock on Barry. Kendall comes to the rescue with a flying lariat.
• Following a sequence between Barry and Regal, a fracas breaks out with TMUMIW distracting the ref. During the confusion, Hennig nails the obligatory cowbell shot on his Lordship for the cheap heat pin.
• I still think that Regal deserves better than this crap.

Commercials.

• Yes. A new Slim Jim commercial. My cup runneth over tonight.

We're back, and Swampfoot is making his way to the ring with Jimmy Hart.

• For some reason, we're swept backstage, where the usual gang of generic security goons are escorting Goldberg from his dressing room.
• The Squashman cometh? Goldberg's in plainclothes, for those who care.
• The old Final Fantasy-sounding march music cues up, and Jimmy and Jerry freak out.
• Goldie passes Prince Iaukea on the way to the ring, which I suppose I should thank him for.
• With roses.
• Goldberg apologizes to Flynn for hogging the ring, and hops the mic.
• Basic jist; Me kill Sid.
• Aforementioned Sid is shown in back, in his dark little room, with the intelligible mumbling again, and the US Title.
• It looks like he picks up Steve Blackman's bag, and leaves.
• As a sidebar note, Goldberg's spiel is probably the most homoerotic mess I've had to Freud over in a year, or so:
  • Goldberg: "I admire your skill...I admire your size."
  • Goldberg: "But...one thing I will not stand for is your mouth."
  • Goldberg: "You come from behind!!"
  • Goldberg: "Tonight, I stomp a hole in your ass!"
  • Goldberg: "You come out from the back, and you show me, Sid..one-on-one, who the man is!"
  • Goldberg: "Your ass is next!"
• Sheesh.

Uh-oh. Swampfoot attacks, apparently having had enough.

Match Number Five: Goldberg vs. "Lightning Foot" Jerry Flynn

• Flynn kicks Goldberg.
• Uh. Spear. Jackhammer. Pose.
• How was that, Wade? Did I do it right?

We return, to stills of the Harlem Heat/Rednecks fuss from the Pay-Per-View.

• The extremely (and abruptly) grey Michael Buffer is in the ring for our main event introductions. The couch creaks as we all crane to see whether or not he'll get Bret's name right this time.
• Spring and Rex Ruger are first out. Announced at--get this--829 1/2 lbs. Lex has really been hitting the weights during his time off, I think.
• Mark Hogan and Bret Clark come out next, to the former's lame 80's patriotica.
• No, actually, Buffer got it right. You can exhale, now.
• Random brawling right off the bat, with Hart on Luger, and Hogan on Sting.
• Really sluggish Hogan-brand garbage wrestling here. For about thirty seconds, at least.
• Punch, kick, choke, ten punches, choking again.
• Tag to Bret, who comes in with his pendulum backbreaker. Sting comes up with an eye gouge.
• Sting with a high-flying clothesline, his double-pump elbowdrop, and a pretty decent pop.
• The back of Hogan's head looks like a skinned artichoke.
• In the ring, Bret and Sting drop each other with a double clothesline. Up at the eight mark.
• Lex is tagged in, but misses an elbow drop. Hogan gets the fresh tag, and physically slobbers all over Luger with his godawful offense.
• Hogan hits the big boot, but Sting springs in to drop him before he can hit the Granny Gutcruncher Legdrop.
• Sting is officially known as "The Dark-Hearted World Champion", according to Mr. Schiavone.
• Luger's in the mix with his forearm shots, and a lot of boots. Brain points out that he's wearing Lugz with his street clothes, but doesn't drop the brand name.
• Sting tags in, and goes to work on Hogan's decrepit knee. Stomps and a half-crab.
• Tag back to Lex, with more of the aforementioned.
• In a surreal moment, Lex is backed up into the corner with Hogan on his knees. I can't comment on the compromising position in good conscience. Thankfully, it only lasts.. oh.. TWENTY MINUTES.
• Sting tags in, and he and the Hulkster brawl with the standard punch-to-punch deal.
• Luger's in, with axehandles and.. you won't believe this.. boots.
• Luger gets a reversal into the corner, and devours ten bops on the noggin by the orange trashbag.
• Sting's in, and Hulk starts to hulk up.. Sting counters by kinda.. falling.. on Hogan's legs, eventually dropping them both.
• After an eternity in purgatory of Sting and Luger alternately stomping Hulk's leg, Hogan ducks a double clothesline, and comes back with one of his own.
• Hart takes the hot tag, and comes in to serve up a warm cup of whup-dat-ass.
• Hart nails the russian legsweep on Sting for two.
• Another pendulum backbreaker, followed by the Shooting Star Elbowdrop.
• Don't get your hopes up. Hart's standard elbowdrop from the second turnbuckle was called the "Shooting Star Elbowdrop" on his old 1986 WWF trading card. He's in great shape, but it ain't THAT great.
• The match disintigrates into a random brawl, with all four men clobbering one another.
• During the confusion, DDP runs in. Or, more precisely, runs into the cameraman. Whoops.
• Page tries to brain Hogan with a baseball bat, but Hulk evades. Meanwhile, Bret's got Sting slapping canvas in the Sharpshooter, but the ref's tied up with the run-in.
• Luger snatches the bat, and smacks Bret in the face with it. Sting manages a weak pin, but it's enough for three.
• The heels retreat from the garbage-pelted ring, while Hogan checks on Hart.
• The EMT swarm commences as we go to black.

The Good: All in all, that was a really solid show. I don't care much for the Revolution concept, but the stable's workers are unparalelled. A feud between the Filthy Animals and the ECW guys would be HUGE to everyone involved. And Sting's just great in whatever role.

The Bad: The Sid angle. For Christ's sake, some of us WANT to see Norman Smiley versus Silver King. I'm actually anticipating Halloween Havoc so Goldberg can destroy the guy, and bring an end to this asinine angle.

The Ugly: Vampiro's injury. Cripes. Thanks a lot, Billy.

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