But now, something a little different.
Heroes of Wrestling. A pay-per-view featuring a bunch of wrestlers and managers who made their names in years gone by. In other words, a lot of old dudes.
For the most part, this show features guys who were names in the 1980s. But a few younger competitors are promised. Most became who they are in the WWF.
Being a slave to nostalgia, I'll throw in a few bits of trivia in this report. After all, the Iron Sheik is bound to jog a few memories. I was a teen during the 1980s WWF boom, so tonight should be a hoot.
One last note, before I start the meat of the report.
Gorilla, this one is for you. Rest in peace.
- Your Samoans are Samu and the dude who once rassled as The Tonga Kid.
- They call Tonga "Fatu." Right. That's not Fatu.
- Some dork in a tie comes out with the Samoans.
- The dork grabs the microphone. He talks and the 14 people in attendance bark at him.
- We're ten minutes in, and no wrestling. Welcome to Monday Night RAW.
- Rogers and Jannetty come out and they're in pretty good shape. The Samoans are way overweight.
- Old Michael Hayes Samoan Swat Team joke: "One's overweight and the other's Fatu."
- The rasslers play the crowd.
- Jannetty locks up with the overweight one, and is tossed into the corner.
- Jannetty gets the upper hand with some fists and armdrags. He dropkicks "Fatu" out of the ring.
- Jannetty and Rogers spend too much time pandering to the fans.
- Another armdrag. Rogers in. Double arm twist, double chop.
- The action is pretty slow.
- "Fatu" comes in, and the sheer size of his ass is astounding.
- Samoan Swat Team factoid: Yokozuna is their cousin. Thus the ass size.
- Yokozuna factoid: He's fat. Really fat.
- Samu gets back in and works over Jannetty. "Fatu" chokes him.
- It goes outside. Jannetty gets a chair to the back.
- The men brawl a bit. The action isn't bad, but it sure ain't great.
- "Fatu" misses a move off the top. Rogers dominates both Samoans.
- The Samoans absorb a double noggin knocker, but the good guys get the advantage.
- "Fatu" and Jannetty take it outside again, and Samu hits a variation of the diamond cutter on Rogers for the win.
- They plug Scoops and the Heroes of Wrestling site.
- Then Steele and Martel are shown again.
- The fact these two may be shagging creates such an ugly image in my head, I open a bottle of Strongbow cider.
- Valentine comes in and talks trash. He's still got it.
- Steele, who was old when the WWF was hot in the '80s, looks ready to drop dead.
- Sherri's dropped some weight. Hmmm... did she have a facelift?
- George gets to the ring and, well, nothing.
- Valentine scoots at the opening bell, and chases George's squeeze.
- Back in, the rasslers lock up. George bites Valentine's arm.
- George wants to eat the turnbuckle.
- This excites Sherri, who comes up behind him. The camera angle makes George look like he has hair on his head.
- Greg attacks George. He pulls George's shirt over his head and stomps him down.
- Sherri attacks the blinded George. The poor Animal.
- High drama. Yup.
- Valentine pounds Steele some more. Steele gets up and rips off the shirt. It's an ugly sight.
- George has an international object. He hits Valentine with it.
- George, unaware that it was Sherri who choked him, hands the object to Sherri.
- The Animal dominates Valentine, and then goes to munch on a turnbuckle.
- Sherri gives the object to Valentine. He hits Steele.
- Steele makes the comeback and Valentine rolls out.
- Sherri goes to the broadcast position and says something to Dutch Mantel.
- I think it was "$15 for a half-hour. $25 an hour." Something like that.
- Anyway, it ends not long after this, when Sherri hits George with a chair.
- Valentine covers for three.
- George goes bonkers, attacking Valentine and Martel and chasing them to the back.
- Not one goddamn wrestling move in that match.
- Big surprise.
- Two young guys. Hmmm... could this be a match?
- Captain Lou Albano limps to the ring in the style of Hulk Hogan.
- I go downstairs and get another Strongbow.
- The guys are a few minutes in, but trust me, I didn't miss anything.
- Julio plays the gyrating, pointing heel.
- 2 Cold with a cartwheel and a dropkick.
- Julio outside.
- Scorpio over the top onto Julio.
- Scorpio throws his opponent back in.
- 2 Cold with chops. So far, not a bad match.
- Julio tosses Scorpio to the apron and sends him to the floor.
- Julio tries a move, but Scorpio isn't ready.
- So Julio skins the cat, and then leaps over, missing Scorpio anyway.
- They take it into the crowd.
- The cameras lose sight of the rasslers.
- They do come back, and inside the ring, Julio puts down Scorpio with a low blow.
- Pumphandle slam into a pinfall attempt. Two.
- Elbowdrop. Two.
- Fantastico clotheslines Scorpio over the top.
- Julio slides out, Scorpio slides in.
- Scorpio slides out, Julio slides in.
- 2 Cold trips Fantastico, launches himself in the ring and goes for the pin.
- Two.
- 2 Cold sets up for a top rope move, but Julio gets the advantage with a top rope diamond cutter.
- Scorpio recovers with a spinning toe kick, a slam and a second rope legdrop.
- Instead of going for the pin, he goes for a tumbleweed, and as you can see by the pic, he misses.
- But he gets the pin anyway.
- Sloppy match, but it'll be the best we'll see tonight.
- In a move that means there are plans for more of these shows, Albano is named Heroes of Wrestling commissioner.
- Albano is so overcome with emotion that he weeps.
- I'm overcome with the idea that there's a promotion with more old dudes than WCW.
- Backstage -- where Bundy's back.
- He burbles about "Porkozuna."
- Hey Bundy. Had a look in the mirror lately?
- The Sheik and Volkoff come out with some dweeb I've never seen. They call him Nikita Borishnikov.
- The Sheik can barely crawl into the ring.
- A "USA" chant starts up. Heh.
- The Sheik does the old spitting routine after screaming about the US.
- Volkoff does the Russkie national anthem.
- And to complete the whole schtick, the Sheik does the old swinging-the-Iranian-clubs-to-show-how-strong-he-is routine.
- Hah!! Hilarious.
- The former Bushwhackers come out and lick the fans.
- It's an alarming display of biological warfare.
- Volkoff and the Sheik attack the Bushboys.
- Volkoff bites Luke. Or is it Butch? I never cared to learn who was whom. Or whom was who.
- Double sad-ass clothesline by the Bushies.
- Luke and Butch chant USA, and the fans eat it up.
- Riiiiiiight.
- The Sheik grabs the house mic, and says if the fans don't stop chanting, he's going to Iran.
- The bad guys regroup, and Volkoff clubs Butch. Or is it Luke?
- Volkoff with the saddest stomps I've ever seen.
- Erik Watts, where are you when I need you?
- The heels taunt the Whacker on the apron, which distracts the ref and makes a double team possible.
- It's also a time-wasting ploy which is a futile attempt to hide the fact these guys can't do anything besides kick and punch.
- Volkoff with a soft backbreaker.
- The Sheik with a camel clutch on Butch. Or is it Luke?
- The other Whacker saves the day.
- Volkoff in. Low blow.
- All four men in. The heels get their noggins knocked.
- Volkoff and one of the Whackers get tossed into each other.
- The ref tries to restore order and the heels go to work.
- Volkoff accidentally hits the Sheik with an international object.
- Luke (or is it Butch?) covers the Sheik.
- 1-2-3.
- Volkoff and the Sheik do another old spot. Sheik gets upset with Volkoff, they shove each other, but all is forgiven in the end.
- Okay... so none of these four guys can wrestle any more. No big surprise.
- Websites are plugged again.
- Tully Blanchard is shown again. He blurts out crapola about his past and Stan Lane.
- An old Horseman vs. and old Midnight Express member.
- Lane looks much different than he did in his heyday.
- Blanchard comes out with both hands in the air, displaying the Horsemen sign.
- Blanchard chases Lane out.
- Lane takes down Blanchard.
- Blanchard recovers and hits a decent elbow, hiptoss and dropkick.
- Holy crap! He's still pretty damn good!
- Lane gets the advantage outside and chokes Blanchard with a cord.
- They roll to the apron.
- Lane with an axehandle to the face.
- Lane with a good neckbreaker. Two.
- Blanchard ducks Lane. Kick. Good punch.
- Lane gets up, hits a double thrust to the throat, and locks on the cobra clutch/million dollar dream.
- Lane dumps Blanchard over the top rope.
- Punches to the back of the head. He leaps on Blanchard's back.
- A few bored women in the audience are shown, and the announcers try to convince us they're all mesmerized by the sex god that is Stan Lane.
- Okay.
- The veterans battle it outside the ring.
- Blanchard with a figure four on the floor.
- Lane goes to the eyes and gets out of the move.
- Both crawl into the ring.
- Blanchard with a sleeper.
- Lane breaks it. Blanchard locks it. Lane breaks it.
- Lane sets up for a piledriver, and is backdropped.
- Lane recovers. Belly-to-back supplex into a pinfall attempt.
- Blanchard rolls his shoulder up, and Lane pins himself.
- Bit of a lame ending, but a good match.
- Best effort put forth by any veterans so far tonight.
- Lane attacks Blanchard, and he leaves in disgust.
- They go to the back with Bundy and Jim Neidhart.
- No audio.
- Oh, here it comes.
- Neidhart burbles about Jake Roberts.
- Bundy says something not at all noteworthy as I take a drink.
- OMG comes out first, and throws some chairs in the ring.
- Okay -- this will go like, six minutes, maximum.
- I've seen Abby live this year, and he just doesn't have any endurance anymore.
- Abby's a true legend, but he really should hang it up.
- A manager, who has the Eddy Creachman look, escorts Abby out.
- OMG attacks Abby as he enters the ring.
- OMG punches, kicks and chokes Abby for several minutes.
- OMG uses a chain and chair.
- Abby bleeds early. Standard for his matches.
- Abby gets a shot in. OMG outside. He blades.
- Abby with a fork. Lunchtime.
- Both men are juicing big.
- Abby throws the fork into the crowd.
- They show the guy who catches the fork, and we miss seeing the only wrestling move of the match: an Abby elbowdrop.
- The battle goes on outside the ring.
- Double disqualification.
- The rasslers brawl to the back.
- I've seen Snuka live this year, too.
- He has nothing left. Just his name.
- Orton flashback: It's rumoured that he was blackballed from wrestling at one time. Anyone out there know why?
- Orton to the ring first.
- At one time, he was Roddy Piper's bodyguard. Piper called him "Ace." And Orton was a hell of a technical wrestler.
- He also wore a cast on his arm for months. It was a dandy foreign object in his salad days.
- Snuka to the ring.
- They lock up. Snuka gets the early advantage, and hits a bodyblock.
- He goes for the pin. Kickout. Small package. Kickout.
- Orton puts Snuka outside, and works him over as the Superfly tries to re-enter the ring.
- Orton supplexes Sunka back in.
- Snuka factoid: this is his first PPV wrestling appearance since WWF Survivor Series '96.
- Orton factoid: this is his first PPV wrestling appearance since UWF Beach Brawl in June '91.
- Orton goes to work on Snuka's back.
- Punch to the face by Ace.
- Dutch Mantel does the honest thing while announcing. He acknowledges the age of the competitors.
- Arm bar by Orton.
- He holds it for a looooooong time. Real old style rest hold supplemented with the occasional elbow to the shoulder.
- Knee to Snuka's arm.
- Hammerlock by Orton.
- "Bob is a faggot" chant starts up.
- Orton walks over to the side of the ring where the chanting fans are.
- This gives Snuka his opening.
- He tosses Orton around and punches him.
- They collide in centre ring. Orton lands on top of Snuka.
- Two count that looked a hell of a lot like three.
- Snuka gets up and climbs the ropes.
- Orton nails Snuka and sets up for a superplex.
- Albano hangs onto Snuka, and Orton falls on his back.
- Orton goes after Albano, somehow hurts himself on the turnbuckle, and that gives Snuka his chance.
- Superfly drop.
- 1-2-3.
- Big surprise.
- In the back, Jake Roberts goes on about casinos, gambling, cheating and his snake, Mitch.
- Oh, wait, the snake's name is Damien.
- Jake starts chanting DDT, and sounds a hell of a lot like a weird old man.
- Neidhart out first.
- Jake out with the snake. Neidhart does the obligatory complaining about the reptile.
- Jake walks back to the dressing room area sans snake.
- Jake comes back out. Er, what the hell was that about?
- Jake makes some woman rub his boobs.
- Uh, that's a side of Jake we've never seen.
- And I hope we never see it again.
- Neidhart leaves and taunts the crowd.
- Mantel says Jake once held the Intercontinental title. Huh?
- Neidhart in. Armlock. Jake flips him over.
- Lock up. Neidhart backs off when he realizes the snake is close.
- Lock up. Neidhart puts Jake in the corner and gives him a few forearms.
- Mantel mentions Gordon Solie. Wasn't he supposed to be calling this card?
- And wasn't Nick Bockwinkel supposed to be here, too?
- Whatever. Neidhart with an armbar. Yet another resthold.
- Jake out of the armbar, and he hits an elbow.
- Neidhart escapes a DDT attempt.
- The snake starts to crawl out of the bag, so Jake grabs it and wears it like, er, this...
- After a lot of stalling, King Kong Bundy comes out to distract Jake.
- Neidhart strikes with the speed of a sloth.
- Neidhart clamps on a chinlock.
- Welcome to the resthold derby.
- Headlock. Save me.
- Into the corner, Jake gets the advantage.
- He hammers Bundy.
- Bundy in. He hits Jake.
- Yokozuna and his large breasts waddle to the ring.
- I guess the Jake-Neidhart match is over.
- Oh, wait... it's not. They've now made this into a tag team match.
- Sure.
- Yoko clears the ring.
- Bundy and Neidhart talk strategy with a guy that looks like a mini Bundy.
- Neidhart goes after Jake, and he bites him in the head.
- This....is....so....slow....
- Neidhart hits Jake with a chair.
- Neidhart doubles up the chairs and hits Jake again.
- Bundy nails Jake with the chair.
- I need a drink.
- I bet Jake does, too.
- Neidhart plants a knee on Jake's throat.
- Mini-Bundy chokes Jake.
- Throughout all of this, Yoko just watches Jake get beat up.
- Bundy drops a knee on Jake.
- Bundy & Jake factoid: Both were original members of the Legion of Doom.
- Neidhart beats Jake with his own footwear.
- Jake hits both opponents low.
- Yoko tagged in.
- He hammers both opponents.
- All four men in.
- Bundy splashes Jake.
- Three.
- Is that it?
- Oh, Jake puts his snake on mini-Bundy.
- Do you suppose that Yoko's piss-poor shape is the reason why his singles match was cancelled?
- They just fade out.
- No goodbye, nothing.
- Well, it was fun seeing all those old guys. But the quality of the wrestling made this one of the worst pay-per-views I've ever seen from a purist's standpoint.
- Too many rest holds. Too many dead spots.
- Note to the dudes at Heroes of Wrestling: sign young wrestlers.
Stick a fork in this one. It's done.