D'oh.
Well, the wrestling world is abuzz with the crazy goings-on in WCW this weekend. Now, as always, take my comments with a large grain of NaCL. I'm Not An Insider tm - I'm just some Linux-working, comedy-performing, fruit-booty who watches Nitro every week. That being said...
Let's presume the following facts are true:
- Vince Russo has been ousted as head booker;
- There's a booking committee including Kevin Sullivan;
- A group of wrestlers including, but not limited to, new World Champion Chris Benoit, The Revolution, and the Filthy Animals have asked for Sullivan to be fired or for their releases;
- WCW is going to hell in a handbasket.
Like a corporation that is floundering and performs constant reorganizations to keep their heads above water, WCW has proven to be incredibly unstable in the past six months or so. If that's the case, I can't blame the younger guys for wanting out. They were held in the shadows during the Bischoff regime, promised great things during the Russo administration, and now who knows what? There comes a time when enough is enough.
On the same vein, whatever crackhead decided to put what was once the most valuable belt in the promotion on Fat Eddie "Bookerman" Ferrara should be taken out back and shot. Simple as that.
- In an amusing moment, Jarrett wants a handshake, but Nash doesn't even see it.
- Psychosis and Kidman are already in the ring as we start.
- Guess Kidman isn't released yet.
- Tony promises to touch on every important issue in WCW, as relates to Souled Out.
- Kidman takes the early advantage.
- Tenay plays up Kidman's Triple Threat Theatre matches.
- Kidman with a cross-body off the top for two.
- Kidman misses a dive, and ends up going over the top rope.
- Psychosis with a suicide dive.
- Psychosis hits a top rope spinwheel kick for two.
- Psychosis argues with Charles Robinson.
- Where's the Kevin Nash run-in?
- Kidman flattens Psychosis with his rope-bounce lariat.
- Only gets two.
- Psychosis hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.
- Kidman gets dumped to the floor, and meets the guardrail.
- Psychosis goes up top, but gets met in mid-air with a dropkick to the gut.
- Kidman breaks out his tornado bulldog for two.
- Kidman puts Psychosis up top, but Psychosis turns it into a top-rope gourdbuster.
- Kidman hits a HUGE overhead-release inverted powerbomb.
- Psychosis plants Kidman with a DDT.
- Psychosis hits the Guillotine Legdrop, but Kidman kicks out!
- Psychosis makes the mistake of trying to powerbomb Kidman, and you know what happens.
- This time, it leads to a pin.
- Kidman favors his shoulder post-match. On the replay, it looks like Psychosis lands butt-first on the shoulder on the legdrop.
- Hart and Jarrett were both stripped of their titles last night.
- Tony says that referee Arn Anderson had a statement today.
- Arn talks about Terry Funk taking a beating for doing what he thought was right.
- Arn says he's always tried to say what he meant, and meant what he said.
- Arn says he gave his word that he'd play the match right down the middle.
- Arn says he caught himself watching the match last night, instead of refereeing.
- Arn says that he was right to stop the count when Benoit's foot was under the rope, but he didn't see Sid's leg under the rope when he tapped to the Crossface.
- Arn says he blew the match.
- Arn says it's like the match never happened, because the title is vacant.
- Arn says he respects the referees more than ever now.
- Once again, Arn takes one for the team.
- So our champions look like this:
- World title: Vacant
- US title: Vacant
- World Tag titles: David Flair & Crowbar
- Cruiserweight title: Fat Eddie Ferrara
- Hardcore title: Brian Knobbs
- TV title: In a dumpster
- How scary is it that Brian Knobbs and Devon Storm are the only WRESTLERS holding belts?
- Booker says he hasn't forgotten where he came from.
- Booker says he doesn't use where he came from as a crutch.
- Booker says that he and Stevie had decided that Big T was wrong for them, and says that he thought Big T was still in jail.
- Is Big T "Debo" from "Friday"?
- St. Stevie introduces the new & improved Harlem Heat.
- Stevie says that he's willing to give Booker another chance.
- They bleep "Fruit booties."
- Stevie calls Booker out.
- How often do you see a tag team replace the talented person on the team with someone who's even sadder?
- Booker comes out with Midnight.
- Stevie wants Midnight to go to the back.
- Midnight goes to the back.
- Big T talks smack to Booker, and Booker attacks.
- Stevie tells Nick Patrick to start the match.
- Big T hits the Tiger Bomb/"Pearl River Plunge" right off the bat.
- Big T eats boot on a corner whip, but he catches Booker with a standing powerslam.
- Booker with a flying forearm.
- Booker loosens his tie and hits the axe kick.
- Booker hits a Rock Bottom, and knocks Stevie off the apron.
- While he does, Big T gets his OWN Odor Eater, and whacks Booker with it for the pin.
- The New Harlem Heat talks smack to Booker.
- Midnight comes down the aisle as The new HH leaves, and they give each other wide berth.
- Tony promises word on the World Title situation on Thunder.
- Disco tries to dance, but the mobsters stop him.
- Disco will be facing Vampiro.
- Vampiro gets a good reaction on his way to the ring.
- Vampiro with a great leapfrog and a spinwheel kick to start.
- Vampiro escapes a monkey flip, and hits a SWEET Rock Bottom.
- Vampiro misses a twisting senton.
- Disco tosses Vampiro to the Goodfellas.
- Disco argues with the Goodfellas.
- Disco hits a HUGE lariat.
- Vampiro escapes the Last Dance, but Disco comes back with a swinging neckbreaker.
- Vito and Johnny back down the aisle.
- Disco with an inverted atomic drop and a Russian Legsweep for two.
- Crowd: "Disco sucks"
- Disco misses the diving elbow.
- Vamp hits the top-rope spinwheel kick, and lands a facebuster and superkick.
- Disco goes to the floor, but the Goodfellas toss him back in, where a (poorly-executed) Nail in the Coffin wins the match for Vampiro.
- Evan: "Eventually, everybody goes down for the three-count."
- Tenay: "God, is this lame."
- Tenay talks about preferring New Age music.
- David Flair's music hits, and he and Crowbar come down the aisle.
- Crowbar tosses his belt to the crowd.
- Three Count starts off early with some nice flying.
- Standards & Practices and Miss Hancock make their way down.
- Evan stalks Daphne on the floor.
- In the ring, Crowbar hits a SWEET split-legged gourdbuster.
- David Flair crowbars Evan on the floor.
- David takes Daphne and goes to the back.
- Helms hits a superkick on the defenseless Crowbar.
- Helms lands a top-rope Frankensteiner, and Moore hits a twisting splash. Crowbar kicks out at two.
- David comes back out to pull the top rope down, sending Moore to the floor.
- Back in the ring, Crowbar hits a SWEET falling inverted DDT on Helms for the pin!
- David, Daphne, and Crowbar celebrate.
- Three Count goes to finish their song, and we cut to the back to see the nWo and their women.
- They wanna keep Arn around, but he's the only one.
- Maestro and Symphony make their way out.
- He'll be facing Tank Abbott.
- I'm guessing 15 seconds.
- Maestro conducts to start, but Abbott punches him in the back of the head.
- The ref calls for the bell.
- Less than 15.
- Norman Smiley's music hits, and Norman comes out with Ohio Buckeyes gear on.
- Norman eggs Tank on.
- Meng comes up behind Norman.
- Meng stares down with Abbott.
- Norman tries to pull Meng off, and finally does.
- Duggan's the only one in the group who hasn't appeared yet on the show.
- They're led by TAFKA Prince Iaukea
- Symphony is escorted by Nick Patrick now.
- Dustin Rhodes is in the group.
- Juventud is in the crowd.
- All the wrestlers gather in the ring.
- Conspicuously absent: Eddy Guerrero, Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, Shane Douglas, Sid, Chris Benoit, Konnan.
- Though it does appear to be a midcard-fest.
- "Hail To The Chief" brings out Nash and the Harris Boys.
- The crowd chants "USA".
- Nash talks about the "Sea of underachievers" in the ring.
- Nash says it's important that he became WCW commissioner.
- Nash says he has goals for everyone in the ring.
- Nash says he'd like to give Tenay a personality.
- He'd like to give Brian Knobbs a brain.
- He'd like to give Abbott a heart.
- He'd like to give Smiley courage.
- Nash: "Wait a second, I sound like Oz up here."
- Nice.
- The crowd starts chanting for Goldberg.
- Nash: "You keep that up and I'll fire that son of a bitch."
- Nash talks about the injustice done last night, and he'll make it right.
- He calls Jeff Jarrett over.
- Nash says Funk was in a drunken haze, and decided to strip Jarrett of the belt.
- Nash re-awards the US belt to Jarrett.
- Nash and Jarrett hug.
- Jarrett has two words for us: "Holy slapnuts."
- Nash has new rule changes.
- Nash says that health is rule #1. From now on, mandatory exams will be held before each and every match. Nash is talking rectal exams.
- My bad, Konnan is in the ring.
- We see Sid in the back, watching on the monitor.
- Rule #2 - Total equality in the locker room. No separate locker rooms for A, B, and C talent. They will all share the same locker room, and when Nash is around, they are to look at the ground, and refer to him as Lord Master.
- Rule #3 - Nobody is to ask him about the World Title. He'll let them know.
- Rule #4 - No illegal substances in the locker room. Nash makes a lame Viagra jokes. Nash refers to Luger with the Viagra.
- I can just see Roddy Piper in the back going "No, seriously, Kevin. Viagra jokes are HUGE these days! You've GOT to use one!"
- Nash talks about Buff and DDP's match last night, and asks Buff if he's doing Kimberly.
- Buzzkill is in the ring.
- Nash makes the match for Buff vs. DDP in the main event. The special referee will be Kimberly.
- Nash will provide Kim a special referee's uniform.
- Nash says the nWo is now running the show.
- Nash: "You may see heroes in the ring, but on this stage tonight, you're witnessing gods."
- Nash gives her a ref shirt.
- Mike Rotunda comes out talking smack about Ohio State.
- No Kevin Sullivan.
- Steiner brings out some University of Michigan heat.
- Their opponents: Masahiro Chono and Super J from New Japan.
- Never heard of Super J before.
- Tenay actually talks about Chono's nWo-Japan past.
- Super J is the former nWo Sting (Jeff Farmer).
- Tenay actually gives back-story, saying that Chono is mad at former nWo-Japan member Rotunda turned his back on nWo-Japan to come back to the US to reform the Varsity Club.
- Super J and Rotunda fight in the ring as Chono and Steiner brawl on the floor.
- J eats an elbow and lariat from Rotunda.
- Closeup of Leia's breasts.
- Rotunda dumps J to the floor.
- Steiner gets his licks in.
- J tags in Chono.
- Chono wants Rotunda. Wow! Psychology!
- The rubes in the crowd start a "boring" chant.
- Some takedowns by both men.
- The clubbers work Chono over in the corner, but they let Chono out.
- Suplex from Steiner on Chono.
- J tags in.
- Rotunda tags in and applies a leglock.
- Rotunda with an assisted stepover toehold.
- J takes some punishment on the floor.
- Vader Attack from Steiner.
- Steiner and Chono brawl on the floor as Rotunda and J go at it in the ring.
- Rotunda applies an abdominal stretch.
- Steiner takes it to Chono, and goes back to the ring.
- J with a jawbreaker, and both men tag.
- Chono and Steiner in the ring now.
- Chono gets caught on the floor by both Clubbers.
- The action is REALLY slow on the floor.
- Chono comes out of the corner with a spin kick.
- Chono goes up top, and hits a flying shoulder block.
- Chono covers for two.
- Chono up again, but Steiner catches him with a belly-to-belly.
- J eats a Steinerline.
- Rotunda tags in.
- Rotunda hits a Samoan drop. J breaks the count.
- Rotunda with a small-package on Chono, but the ref is distracted.
- J comes in and reverses the hold, and Chono gets the pin for his team.
- Post match, the Clubbers perform a VERY uninspired beatdown on Chono.
- Sid makes his way down.
- His opponent: The aforementioned talentless stiff, The Wall.
- On a weird, but true, note, my sunglasses look a lot like The Wall's. I got 'em at, ironically, Wal-Mart.
- Sid opens up early with a big boot.
- Weren't these two good buddies a few weeks ago?
- Sid dumps Wall to the floor.
- Wall eats some chairs.
- Wall gets dumped over the announce table.
- Sid continues to manhandle the suited billy-goat.
- We cut to the back where Disco and the Goodfellas talk to Nash.
- Nash makes a Vinnie Vegas reference.
- Nash sends the three out to get Sid.
- In the ring, Sid chokeslams Wall for the pin.
- Nash: "After you're done, get us some grinders."
- Johnny is the first in. He eats a powerbomb.
- Vito in next.
- Vito turns Sid around, and eats a HUGE powerbomb.
- Disco starts to come in, thinks better of it, and runs to the back.
- He wipes out the Ohio Buckeyes mascot on his way out.
- Steiner talks smack about Ohio women.
- You could heat your house for pennies a year on all this cheap heat.
- Scott with his Big Bad Booty Daddy routine.
- Steiner: "Beating Ohio State was easy, just like your women."
- Steiner sings the UMich fight song.
- Steiner gets into a fight with a "fan" at ringside. The fan is taken out by security with a bloody nose afterwards.
- TP and Liz make their way down.
- TP flexes.
- TP has abandoned the Sting gear.
- His opponent - Bam Bam Bigelow.
- Bigelow with an elbow that sends TP to the floor.
- Bigelow works TP over on the floor.
- Bigelow eats boot, and TP hits the loaded forearm.
- TP eats some boot, then a pair of clotheslines.
- Bigelow with a slam and a headbutt.
- Bigelow goes up top, and hits his diving headbutt.
- Liz is on the apron.
- Bigelow signals for the Greetings.
- Bigelow has TP up, but Kanyon comes in.
- Bigelow stops Kanyon, and deals with Kanyon.
- TP gets the champagne bottle from Mr. Biggs, and brains Bigelow with it.
- TP covers for the pin.
- Woah! Maybe that's a sign that Russo's really still around, like hidden messages in a Beatles album.
- "I buried Vince....."
- Kim comes down in her Daisy Duke-like ref gear.
- DDP is out first.
- DDP frames his crotch with the Diamond Cutter symbol, and the camera pans back to "Blood View" fast.
- Bagwell makes his way out.
- My prediction, Kim goes with Buff tonight.
- DDP spits in Buff's face.
- They go toe-to-toe.
- DDP with a shoulderblock and a spinning urinage.
- Kim is slow to get down for the count.
- Buff with an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline.
- They tumble to the floor.
- It goes into the crowd.
- Buff uses a trash can.
- They make it back to the ring area.
- They're back in the ring.
- Buff hotshots DDP on the turnbuckles.
- Both men are down.
- Tenay: "I still don't get a feeling . . . body language from Kimberly."
- Brain: "There's ALWAYS body language!"
- Buff beats DDP down, and flirts with Kim.
- Page eats boot, but avoids a second one to crotch Bagwell around the ringpost.
- Buff holds onto the ropes to block the Diamond Cutter.
- Kim seems to be whispering to Buff.
- Buff is up first.
- Some reversals, and Buff hits a DDT that kinda resembles a double-arm DDT.
- Kim with a very slow count, and DDP kicks out at two.
- Some bridges and reversals, and DDP ends up hitting a Diamond Cutter.
- Kim with slow counts on both men.
- Buff signals for the Blockbuster, but DDP blocks it by hitting the ropes to crotch Buff.
- DDP climbs the ropes, but Buff hits a low blow and shoves him to the mat.
- Buff hits the Blockbuster on Page.
- Kim runs herself into Buff, and falls down.
- Buff checks on her, but DDP turns him around and lands the Diamond Cutter.
- Page covers, Kim makes the slow three count, and Page gets the win!
- Kim immediately leaves the ring.
- Page follows behind her as we fade to black.