WCW Monday Nitro - March 13th, 2000

WCW Monday Nitro - March 13^th, 2000

Providence, RI

By Bill

Important Note: It has come to my attention that someone on the 'Net has been posing as Xavier Doom. Plagiarizing is always a problem on the 'Net, but this is a step beyond. This person has set up a website with material from The Slayground that purports to be from Xavier himself. The impostor also has a way to subscribe to that website such that you will get e-mail stating 'so-and-so at Xavier Doom's Slayground, a new LinkShare affiliate, has requested that we send you a personal invitation to join The LinkShare Network.'
If you see anything looking calling itself Xavier Doom's Slayground that's not at http://webhome.idirect.com/~xds/, or you get mail from anyone other than Xavier Doom purporting to be someone 'at Xavier Doom's Slayground', please let Xavier know. More details are at Xavier Doom's site if you are interested.
Speaking of Xavier Doom, he will be covering Uncensored for us on Sunday.
Trivia Question: How did Buddy "Jack" Roberts of The Fabulous Freebirds get his "Jack" nickname? (answer at the end of the report)
The mailbag:
- Todd B. wonders:
  Just a quick thought:
  With all the casts in (the) WCW these days, where the hell is Cowboy Bob Orton when you need him?
- Wondering where Hardbody Harrison has been? Matt O. writes:
  Last weekend, I was flipping through the channels and I ran across the Tough Man competition. Usually it is a bunch of out-of-shape big guys with an occasional bad-ass.
  Well, it just so happened that this time there was a very muscular guy talking about his training regimen. I didn't think anything of it until I flipped back a minute later when I heard him talking about wrestling. He was blathering on about workouts and boxers and then he said wrestlers have the toughest schedules, so I decided to watch. He kept talking about how bad he was and how he could take out Ali and Frazier.
  They then showed his car, which had "Hardbody" painted on the side. I then realized who it was, Hardbody Henderson (Harrison). Sure enough, when he fought he was wearing the half wrestling trunks, half wrestling pants. I believe he won by decision.
- Adam R. writes:
  The other day, I got out of the shower and turned on the radio and there was an advertisement for one of the local bars. Guess whose music was playing in the background?....Scott Hall's theme song from his WWF days! Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!
- "DeadZone" Dave R. writes:
  I was at Ames on Monday (I had a day off) and I overheard two guys talking about the XLF. It went down like this:
  Guy 1: Yeah, I can't wait to see what he does to football. Guy 2: I know. But there's, like, two federations out there now, right? Guy 1: Yeah, the WWF and those crazy guys from Philly. Guy 2: That's it. What ever happened to that WCW? Guy 1: I dunno, nobody watches them anymore. Hogan came back...again. Then Ric Flair is like, what...90?
Both JP from Morrisville, NC and Nate from Streetsboro, OH noticed that the US Belt that Jeff Jarrett was wearing on last week's Nitro seemed to be one of the Figures, Inc. replica belts. I didn't see that noted anywhere else and I don't have any explanation for it.
You might find this article in the Washington Post kind of funny. I guess they think they are hip and happening by jumping on the pro wrestling bandwagon, but the article is really cursory...I think the author pretty much did all the research by surfing the Web.
A couple of arena reports have been added to the Manchester house show results.
In case anybody cares, I should be sending Aldo an arena report from the Thunder tapings in Fairfax tomorrow night. There's a very good chance I'm going.

We open with Team Scrotum in the back, and Ric Flair apologizing to TP for Arn Anderson's behavior. Ric promises to deliver Arn tonight. TP's excited about that.
We are live from Providence, RI.
Tony says Mark Madden is "Master of Mayhem". More like "Master of Mayonnaise", if you ask me.
Ric Flair comes to the ring for a solo interview.
- Flair starts out by running down Providence.
- Flair promises that Arn will apologize to Team Package tonight.
- Here comes Arn, with Four Horsemen music.
- Flair says "Horsemen are dead...now it's Team Package."
- Arn says that would be easy to lumber on down and join Team Package. But Arn says it wouldn't be right.
- "You had to earn being a Horseman, the old-fashioned way. Team Package is ego-driven, and hell-bent for destruction."
- Arn would rather separate as friends than be a crutch for Ric when things get tough.
- Flair starts going nuts.
- Arn says "You always said you were the man, and Hogan wasn't...so I'm bringing out Hogan right now."
- And, lo and behold, the Great Orange Goblin himself appears.
- Arn says in six days, we'll find out who the man is.
- Arn says that in this situation, Flair's wrong and Hogan is right, and Arn's taking himself out of this entire situation. With that, Arn leaves.
- Hogan starts going to the ring, and says Flair's now got a problem.
- Hogan says that this is Hulk Country. I think he's a little mixed up. He thinks he's in Provincetown, not Providence.
- Hulk says he doesn't want to wait, and rolls in.
- Surprise! Hogan no-sells everything, and gives Flair the big boot to the face.
- As Hogan cups his ear for cheers, TP comes in from behind with the bat.
- TP and Flair beat on Hogan until the refs separate them. Trainer Danny Young comes out and Hogan sells a shoulder injury.
Ricki Rachtman pollutes my airwaves.
Madden tries to put himself over as a big-time heel announcer. Well, he's successful at being big.
In the back, Hogan's with the trainers with Jimmy Hart and Arn looking on.
- Arn with Hogan. * sigh * Please...let it be a swerve.
3-Count vs. Yung Dragons
- Honestly, I can't even call this, because other than Kaz and Evan, I don't know who's who.
- High spot is a big luchadore-style train wreck on the floor, with one guy going out at a time.
- Luchadore-style train wreck in the ring with guys coming off the top rope.
- One of the guys who's not Evan pins the guy with the mask.
- Your Winner: 3-Count
- Good, albeit quick, match. Too bad there was no reason to care who won.
- Assuming you like very short luchadore-style train wreck matches...
TP and Flair are going on about how Arn has made a huge mistake.
On his way out of the arena, Arn runs into Curt Hennig coming in. Arn says this business is nothing like it used to be, and he's going home to see his kids.
Backstage, Bam Bam Bigelow is WALKING.
Backstage, The Wall is...ah, to hell with it.
Backstage, Silver King and El Dandy are reading their mountains of fan mail. Miss Handcock starts talking to them. El Dandy offers to "excite her groin". She storms off.
- Readers, I couldn't make that up if I tried.
Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Wall
- After about 15 seconds of clubbing, The Wall handcuffs Bigelow to the corner, and referee Mickey J. calls for the bell, DQing The Wall, as Crowbar and David Flair w/Daffney are in the aisle wearing neck braces.
- Crowbar comes in and gives The Wall the weakest crowbar shot in the history of professional wrestling. The Wall rips off Crowbar's neck brace and chokeslams him and then tosses him out of the ring.
- Ditto for David Flair, but at least Flair's crowbar shot wasn't nearly as lame.
- Crowbar is placed on a table out on the floor, and The Wall chokeslams David Flair off the apron onto Crowbar on the table.
- While all of this is going on, Bigelow is screaming for a key to the handcuffs. You know, if I was a pro wrestler, I'd always carry handcuff keys in my tights. Just a thought.
- Your Winner: Bam Bam Bigelow, via DQ.
- The actual match was a complete dud, but the post-match carnage was alright.
The nWo (all three of them), with ho's, come to the ring.
- The Harris Boyz start to send the girls to the back.
- JJ calls the girls back and asks the crowd if they want to see some skin.
- Of course the crowd does, but Jarrett says no way as, "the only skin you people will see is if you look inside the front of your shirt." And he sends the girls to the back.
  - Uh, I don't see any skin...I only see my undershirt.
- Jarrett rolls his greatest hits videotape...clips of him cracking gee-tars over the head of Psycho Scissors.
- Jarrett says that tonight it will be The Harris Boyz vs. Sid and a partner...and everyone's too afraid of being H-Bombed straight to Hell to be Sid's partner.
- That brings out Sid.
- Blah-blah-blah...ruler of the squirrels....blah-blah-blah...half the brain you do...blah-blah-blah...put that squeegee down.
- Sid brings out his partner...El Vampiro Canadianese.
- Vampiro says "Jarrett, I'm begging you to stick that Slapnuts face in my match."
Out back, Crowbar and David Flair are being loaded into an ambulance while Bam Bam Bigelow rants into the camera about The Wall.
Okerlund interviews the new Harlem Heat. Whatever. Not even a "fruit booty" reference to give the interview value.
Brian Knobbs tells us to leave the rough stuff to the pros. I saw a commercial like that with Ron Jeremy.
Info about the bodybuilding contest, and they show Paul Orndorff talking Big Jakes (the freak with the huge arms) into coming to the Power Plant. Tony muses about the huge potential Big Jakes has. Potential??!! Just because he's a deformed freak? Bah. Hey, Big Jakes, give Bill Kazmeier a call and ask him how it worked out.
Booker and Kidman w/Torrie vs. Lane and ~~Skank~~ ~~Lodi~~ ~~Idol~~ Rave
- So...Idol is now "Rave". Smells like avoidance of copyright infringement to me.
- Miss Handcock makes her way to the announcers' table.
- Lane and Rave's little gimmick this week is an over-the-head crotch chop...or something.
- Back in the ring...aw, hell, no one else is paying attention, so why should I?
- Miss Handcock is making eyes at Kidman, and Torrie comes over and talks smack to her. Miss Handcock makes the Lucy Ricardo "Spider Face".
- Back in the ring, Booker is cleaning house.
- Rock Bottom on Rave.
- Harlem Side Kick and Axe Kick on Lane.
- Booker T goes up top for the missile dropkick, and Kidman rolls up Lane for the pin, pulling the rug out from Booker.
- Your Winners: Booker and Kidman
- I'm taking away a half star for lack of continuity...if Kidman was able to make the pin, then he must have been legal man and Booker couldn't have pinned Lane, anyway.
Total Package vs. Curt Hennig
- Outside, the ambulance is back, with a shirtless Hogan driving.
- In the ring, Hennig goes right to work on TP.
- Head into the turnbuckle, chop, kick, running snapmare.
- Luger sneak-attacks from behind, and goes through his entire arsenal in about 20 seconds. Now what?
- Ah, Hennig goes to work since Luger has no moves left.
- Flair is on the apron, and he grabs Hennig, DQ'ing Luger since Luger was out of moves anyway.
- Flair and Luger try to go to work on Hennig, but Hogan promptly runs in to make the save.
- Hey, thanks WCW! It's only 9:03, and the marquee match is over already. Everyone in America, except for me, can now switch to RAW without missing any of the WWF action!!
- Hogan: "Blah, blah, blah...ass...blah, blah, blah."
- Hogan says he and Hennig will tag against Team Package later.
- Your Winner: Curt Hennig, via DQ.
Vampiro in spooky room doing a monolog. Oooooh, scary! Vampiro hates Jarrett...Vampiro's a freak...whatever.
Knobbs in the back looking for ~~The Leprechaun~~ The Dog. He finds the dog drinking from the toilet bowl. Get it??! You know...the dog...drinking from the toilet bowl?
Maya Angelou must be writing this stuff!
Get your Jeff Jarrett Slapnuts t-shirt!!! Uh, wouldn't it sell better if it was boxer shorts?
I wish I was a better writer so I could more eloquently express how much I think Rick Rachtman does truly suck.
Five Nitro Girls dance.
Okerlund interviews Sid.
The Dog vs. Screamin' Norman Smiley
- OK, it's 9:13 p.m., RAW's on the other channel, and The Dog comes out. What are you going to do? And the most moronic thing is they have the over guy, Smiley, come out second after everyone's already switched the channel. Great production work, guys...jeez, use your freakin' brains.
- Smiley does the SMBU on the hooded Dog.
- Knobbs pulls the hood off the Dog, and the Dog attacks referee Scott Dickinson.
- Smiley doesn't know what to do. Knobbs attempts to interfere and the Demon jumps in.
- And, since the match isn't quite overbooked enough yet, Lane and Rave jump in.
- Meanwhile, Norman pulls The Dog off of Dickinson, and slaps on the Norman Conquest for the win.
- Your Winner: Screamin' Norman Smiley.
- As the referee tries to roll out, The Dog is biting his leg. Whoa-ho!!! Scott Dickinson's day job is as a mailman!!! The Dog is biting a mailman!!!!!!
- Oh, the subtle irony!!! My sides hurt from laughing so hard!
- Knobbs says he came for a fight. Terry Funk is in the back doing you know what. (walking)
Back from commercial, Dog is chasing Norman Smiley in the back.
Terry Funk vs. Brian Knobbs in a hardcore match.
- Foreign object to Funk's head.
- Foreign object to Funk's head.
- Foreign object to Funk's head.
- Foreign object to Funk's head.
- Foreign object to Knobbs' head.
- Foreign object to Knobbs' head.
- They brawl in the crowd. They brawl in the ring.
- Foreign object to Funk's midsection.
- Foreign object to Funk's head.
- Foreign object to Funk's head.
- Foreign object to Funk's head.
- They hit each other at the same time with the same trashcan.
- They hit each other at the same time with the same trashcan.
- They hit each other at the same time with the same trashcan.
- They hit each other at the same time with the same trashcan.
- They hit each other at the same time with the same trashcan.
- They hit each other at the same time with the same trashcan.
- They hit each other at the same time with the same trashcan.
- They hit each other at the same time with the same trashcan.
- Two of 3-count run in. Shane Helms suffered a broken nose earlier.
- Shannon Moore gets a pit stop.
- Evan Karagias comes off the top with the Hardcore Belt, and nails Knobbs with it.
- Shannon rolls Funk in for the cover.
- Your Winner: Terry Funk.
- 2-count kicks Funk out of the ring.
- Funk and Knobbs beat up 2-count.
- Funk starts whacking them with a chicken. Shouldn't Lanny Poffo have the gimmick with hitting people over the head with a chicken?
- Dustin Rhodes comes out of the crowd with a bullrope and cowbell, and starts beating on Funk, as Knobbs beats 2-count all the way to the back.
- Funk must be busted open, because we cut away abruptly and go to clips.
- My catchphrase of the night: "If it's not overbooked, then it's not WCW."
- If you like garbage matches:
Fit Finlay gives a promo about his falls-count-anywhere match with Vampiro at Uncensored. He says he's going to pin him in the john and flush him "like the garbage he his". Hmm, I don't know about Ireland, but here in the States we don't flush garbage. We flush something else.
WCW World Heavyweight Champion Sid Vicious & El Vampiro Canadianese vs. The Harris Boyz
- Sid vs. one of them. It's painfully obvious by Tony's announcing that he can't tell The Harris Boyz apart. No problem, Tony...that in no way shows how sloppy and complacent you've gotten with your crappy announcing.
- Sid takes him apart, and Vampiro is tagged in to play Ricky Morton.
- After a while, Vampiro starts begging for more punches.
- The Harris Boyz go for a doubleteam, and believe it or not, Sid does what I've been waiting fifteen years for a wrestler to do...he reaches far across the ring to tag himself in by slapping his partner on the back as his partner is being tossed into the ropes.
- H-Bomb for Vampiro, as the Harris Boyz don't realize Vampiro is no longer the legal man.
- Chokeslam by Sid for one of the Harrises. Powerbomb for the other. Pin.
- Your Winner: Sid Vicious & El Vampiro Canadianese
- Well, this gets a star because...and I know you'll find this hard to believe...it wasn't overbooked!
More Ricki Rachtman. What a dick.
Okerlund interviews Team Package
The New Harlem Heat vs. The Mamalukes (well, not really...)
- In the back, the Harris Boyz are jumping The Mamalukes.
- Disco Inferno is in the ring, and doesn't realize that the Mamalukes aren't there.
- Disco Inferno refers to the three men in the ring as Fat Alberts, and Mr. Biggs as JJ Walker. Quick, someone with too much time on their hands call a special interest group to write letters to Turner Broadcasting about it!!!
- Disco says for them to pick out their two best guys to go against the Mamalukes.
- Nothin' doin'. They ain't there. So, it becomes Stevie Ray vs. Disco Inferno.
- Stevie Ray starts taking Disco Inferno apart, and chucks him out outside so the two fat asses can beat on him.
- Back in the ring, Disco mounts a comeback until the rudos interfere again.
- Slapjack, pin, it's over.
- Your Winner: Our patron saint, Stevie Ray
OK, it's now 9:54, and we still haven't had Luger's entrance. Maybe we'll be spared since he did one already tonight.
Team Package (including Liz) w/chair and weightlifter belt vs. Hulk Hogan and Curt Hennig w/Jimmy Hart
- We'll we are spared Luger's entrance, but not the Great Orange Goblin's.
- Hogan vs. Luger.
  - WCW: All stiffs, all the time.
- It's all Hogan.
- Hennig is tagged in. Chops, but Hennig runs into Luger's boot in the corner.
- Flair is tagged in, chops by Flair, reversal, chops by Hennig.
- Flair is whipped into the corner...Flair Flip, and he kicks the camera on the way over.
- Hogan chairs a meeting with Flair outside the ring, Hennig suplexes Flair back in from the apron.
- Flair begs off, and tags Luger in.
- Backhand chops by Hennig on Luger. Kneelift. Shots on Luger by Hogan.
- Hogan is tagged in, and Luger gets an advantage and tags Flair in.
- Backhand chops by Flair. No sale.
- Flair goes up top and goes down the hard way.
- Flair with a low blow on Hogan.
- Luger tags in and he goes to work on Hogan.
- Luger distracts the referee so Flair can choke Hogan.
- Flair is tagged in. Another low blow by Flair.
- Punches to the head, and Luger is tagged back in.
- Whip, TP misses the clothesline, and then both men go down to a double clothesline.
- Flair and Hennig both tag in.
- Big backhand chops by Hennig in the corner.
- Flair comes in and Hennig is house-a-fire on both men, then Hogan comes in.
- The ref gets Hogan out of the ring, and Liz hands Luger the bat, and he nails Hennig as Hennig gets the Hennigplex on Flair.
- Hogan starts cleaning house on the rudos, and he shoves Mickey J., who then DQs Hogan and Hennig.
- As Hogan takes charge, Liz nails him in the back of the knee with the bat.
- Hennig's still out, and the bad guys go to work on Hogan.
- Lights out...because the lights going out and Sting appearing isn't enough overbooking, Vampiro's in the ring beating on Flair before the lights even come on.
- Lights come up, and here's Sting.
- He's beating Luger all the way to the back, and we're out of time!
- Your Winner: Team Package via DQ

The Good: El Dandy offering to excite Miss Handcock's groin.
The Bad: If an airline did overbooking like this, they'd be fined by the FAA.
The Ugly: The Dog drinking from the toilet bowl and biting a mailman. Geez, is my ten-year-old nephew writing this stuff?

On it's own, the show was OK, relative to the last few weeks, and from a continuity perspective it was a good lead-in to the pay-per-view. So, things may be on the upswing.

Trivia Answer: His love of Jack Daniels whiskey.

WCW Monday Nitro - March 13th, 2000

By Bill

Back to DDT Digest

WCW Monday Nitro - March 13^th, 2000