WCW Thursday Thunder - Wednesday, September 6, 2000
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Since Greg went back to school or something, it becomes my solemn responsibility
to write the weekly Thunder report. I believe he's the first DDT Digest
reporter in quite some time who didn't really want to go.
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Speaking of Greg, he starts class tomorrow so there will be no pictures
this week.
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Trivia question: Who was the very first man that The Undertaker
faced in the ring in his WWF debut at Survivor Series '90? (answer at the
end of the report)
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As anybody who cares already knows, Bill will be taking time off for his
wedding. However, this isn't the first time a wrestling icon has been married.
At SummerSlam 1991, "Macho Man" Randy Savage married his long-time wife,
The Lovely Miss Elizabeth. The happiness was shortlived. While opening
the presents, Mean Gene made a comment about how it was the greatest day
in the lives of the couple. Liz shreiked and a cobra popped out of the
box. Soon after, Jake "The Snake" Roberts popped out from nowhere followed
by The Undertaker, who was hiding behind something the whole time. Bill's
fiancee is lucky that I'm not going to the reception because I'd give them
a cobra, too. I don't think I've been to a reception since without thinking
about the horrible incident.
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Actually, marriages are quite common in wrestling. Who could ever forget
the Uncle Elmer wedding? (if I remember right that was the wedding where
when they kissed, Bobby Heenan described the happy couple as two carp going
after the same piece of corn.) Then there was the infamous Test/Stephanie/Triple
H marriage in the WWF last year.
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Not too many people know that an investigation was held surrounding the
Triple H wedding and it was determined that if you drug up a person and
marry her, speaking the words "I do" for her, it is a legal marriage
if contested under either triple threat or WWF Hardcore Wedding rules.
It's the same court that upheld the validity of DDP's divorce papers that
he signed while he was knocked out.
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Not too many people know that because I just made it up.
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And of course we're also looking forward to the shotgun wedding between
Miss Hancock and the true Genetic Jackhammer David Flair on Nitro.
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As Roddy Piper said, wrestling and romance don't mix. Then again, we got
an Arn Anderson interview on Nitro surrounding the matter, so I can't complain
too much.
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I would have quite the mailbag from the Nitro report I did some time back,
but nothing's really timely anymore. I didn't get any bad comments on my
report, but I did get one interesting e-mail shortly after that with a
"news flash" (his words) that wrestling is fake and how I need to get a
life. The interesting part for me is that he didn't get my e-mail address
from that report, but from the top ten list from the DDT Digest archives
that I wrote back in 1997 when I was a senior in high school. It's not
even it a prominent location. It's just kind of in the middle of the rest
of the top ten lists. In other words, some guy who has nothing better to
do with his time than peruse the DDT Digest archives and write nasty e-mails
to the writers is trying to tell me that I need to get a life.
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If I weren't a paragon of virtue, I would have come up with some snappy
comeback, like "Oh yeah, well I got a news flash for you: You're an idiot."
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Interestingly enough, Hulk Hogan is still on the Thunder commercials.
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Hey! Thunder is a TBS original series.
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We start with Smooth talking about styling and profiling at the Power Plant.
And it's the Natural Born Jobbers in the limo!
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Either Jindrak or O'Hare says to keep the motor running. I can't tell which
one's which because all jobbers look the same to me.
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Thunder is coming to us on tape this week from College Station, Texas and
I am coming to you live from a brand new old apartment on my brand new
used $20 black-and-white lap top computer running Windows 3.11 for Workgroups.
It doesn't have an HTML editor and all attempts to get one thus far have
failed so I'm doing the coding myself. As an added bonus, my computer likes
to shut off at random every once in a while. At least it's better than
having to write everything out longhand like I did my Nitro report . . . maybe.
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Match #1: Kwee Wee vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.
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Yes! We start out with Kwee Wee! He's so charismatic.
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And here comes Chavo! This should be good
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They start out with some cool old style feeling out.
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This match is for the number one contendership for the 100 Kilos and Under
Title.
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Our 100 Kilos and Under Champion "Prime Time" Elix Skipper comes out with
Major Gunns.
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Hammerlock by Chavo reversed by Kwee Wee reversed again by a slam of some
kind.
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Skipper and Gunns are out for commentary.
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Our Patron Saint, Tony Schiavone, and Mike Tenay are our other commentators.
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Chavo with a two count.
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Kwee Wee kicks Chavo in the corner.
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Kwee Wee almost pulls down Chavo's tights while trying to reverse a vertical
suplex.
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That came really close to getting really ugly really quick.
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Chavo with a cross body block out of the ring.
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Loco with a brainbuster and a two count.
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Kwee Wee blocks a tornado DDT.
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Chavo blocks a superplex.
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Loco goes on top and Paisley trips him.
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Down goes Chavo and Kwee Wee gets the three count.
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Kwee Wee is our number one contender for the Cruiserweight title.
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Gunns leaves Skipper at ringside and the announcers act surprised
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Gunns attacks Paisley and Tygress comes out to help Paisley.
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Here come the rest of the MIA, but Prime Time carries off Major Gunns anyway.
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Bret Hart is shown ARRIVING earlier today!
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And here's Goldberg WALKING!
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And here's a commercial break.
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We come back to the
Shameless Finish Line Plug Thunder
Tailgate party highlights.
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There's Buff Bagwell. I haven't seen him doing anything important for quite
some time.
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Bret and Goldberg are in the building.
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We show Goldberg kicking the crap out of Bret at Starrcade.
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That really was a nasty looking kick
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We're going to have an interview with David Flair and Miss Hancock tonight.
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There's a wedding on Monday.
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Tenay's going to ask David if Ric's going to be at the wedding.
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But Arn already answered that on Monday. There's really no excuse for not
knowing that because RAW came on after Nitro was over.
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The announcers seem less-than enthusiastic tonight.
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Here we are at the Power Plant. The Thrillers are sneaking in.
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Stasiak hits the button and up goes the door.
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The door takes a reeeeeeeallly long time to go up.
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A couple of scrubs are in the ring.
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The scrubs insult the Thrillers and Sanders offers some training.
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The scrub with a mustache locks on a figure four on Sanders, but the Thrillers
punk him.
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The NBT say they're looking for the Bitter Old Man.
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Really? Bruno Sammartino works at the Power Plant?
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Oh. They're talking about Orndorff.
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There's a scrub with a mop and bucket (Troy something) who gets punked
too.
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They knock on the Bitter Old Man's door.
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Orndorff says the Thrillers aren't welcome and the Thrillers say they are.
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Orndorff's 52 years young.
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Orndorff gets the crap beat out of him, too.
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And more scrubs and security come to Orndorff's aid.
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It's sick, but not so sick that we can't show it on television.
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Western Union is sponsoring this segment.
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Hey! There's a wedding on Monday!
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And here's an interview.
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Miss Hancock pretends to be excited for the wedding.
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Hancock's family will be there. The Flairs should be there.
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David says he hasn't talked to his family about the wedding but they're
welcome to come if they want.
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They really weren't paying attention to Arn.
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Tenay calls Hancock a golddigger because she fished through David's pants
pockets for the wedding ring.
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Tenay is acting like a real jerk.
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I'm older than David Flair by a few months.
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David pretends to get mad.
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David doesn't know if Ric Flair will be at the wedding.
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He says Ric can come if he wants.
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Nobody's going to ruin
Stephanie's Miss Hancock's wedding.
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Tenay gives the couple six months . . . if they're lucky.
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Goldberg searches the back for the Hitman.
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There's a chain match between the Harii and Kronic at Fall Brawl
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We show the bar incident between the Harrises and
Acolytes Kronic from
Monday.
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Match #2: 3 Count vs. Kronic
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Here comes 3 Count.
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It's pretty sad, but I know the lyrics to their song.
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Evan takes the mic and talks about Tank Abbott.
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They call out Kronic, and here they come.
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Brian Adams says 3 Count can keep the bats because after the match they're
going to make 3 Count popsicle sticks.
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Adams throws Moore out of the ring onto Karagias and Helms.
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Helms hits Clarke with a nice superkick on the outside.
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Moore gets a two count on Adams.
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Karagias gets some move reversed.
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Adams hits Here come the Harrises.
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Kronic says "Screw the match. Let's fight the Harrises instead."
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OK, they didn't say that, but actions speak louder than words.
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Kronic is counted out, and 3 Count wins.
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3 Count dances and Tank Abbott comes out.
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Tank beats on 3 Count, and the fans are standing.
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We cut to Bret Hart's dressing room and there's security on the outside.
Like that's going to stop Goldberg.
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Here's a
commercial for Valvoline look at the Thunder
Tailgate Party.
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Mene Gene interviews Crowbar about his match tonight against Shane Douglas.
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He calls Douglas "Troy Martin" and refers to himself as "Devon."
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Here's a new Thunder segment: Lava Lamp Lounge hosted by Mike Awesome
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Awesome likes all girls now cause there's enough Vitamin A to go around--for
those of us who don't know, the A stands for Awesome.
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At least he's not the Fat Chick Thriller anymore.
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Mike Awesome welcomes "Paula Pamshock."
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What is this? This is like Brother Love for the year 2000 or something.
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Pamela's got some funky 70's shades.
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Mike's interviewing Pamela for some reason.
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This is SO 80's.
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Remember when Awesome was ECW champion and dominating there? Me neither.
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Awesome uses some old pickup lines.
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Thankfully Jeff Jarrett's music hits and he walks out onto the set.
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Jarrett wants to know what the hell is going on and says Mike Awesome's
like a mix between "John Travolta Saturday Night Live (Jeff Jarrett's words,
not mine) and Austin Powers."
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They brawl on the set, and the ugly 70's couch gets knocked over.
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Jarrett goes to hit Paulshock with the guitar and Mean Gene comes out to
help, but Awesome gets hit instead. OK.
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That segment was kind of cool.
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Cut to a commercial break.
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When we return, they show a replay of Jarrett wrecking the set.
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Jarrett and Awesome are in a bunkhouse brawl at Fall Brawl.
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Match #3 in our "King Leo Naptime" match: Shane Douglas vs. Crowbar
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This could be a good match, but it's the Naptime match anyway because I
always fall asleep during the segment that starts at 7:50 p.m. MDT no matter
what show I'm watching.
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Douglas uses cheap local heel heat and does a typical Shane Douglas interview.
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He calls Goldberg the Human Wrecking Machine.
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The fans chant for Goldberg.
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Crowbar comes out with taped ribs.
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They go at it before the bell.
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Crowbar hits the Nine Punches in the Turnbuckle of Doom then bites Douglas's
forehead.
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Crowbar crotches
Troy Martin Shane Douglas on the top
rope, then dropkicks him out of the ring.
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Douglas gets baseball slide onto the Safety Rail of Pain (yes, one of the
announcers really called it that).
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Crowbar forgets he has hurt ribs, so he splashes Douglas who is on the
floor.
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Then he remembers, but it's too late.
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Crowbar pulls out the ring steps and is holding his ribs.
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Another forehead bite by Crowbar.
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Douglas drops Crowbar ribs-first into the steel steps.
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Stevie Ray says the ref should stop the match. The ref doesn't, though, because
the ref doesn't respect the Saint.
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Douglas drops Crowbar ribs-first into the Safety Rail of Pain.
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Schiavone says he doesn't know why Shane Douglas is called the Franchise.
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Douglas throws Crowbar into the ring and hits him with a top-rope clothesline.
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Douglas uses an abdominal stretch.
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He doesn't have the leg hooked, and Crowbar reverses it with a powerslam.
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Crowbar unloads on Douglas with punches.
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Crowbar takes off his belt and hits Douglas with the buckle, then chokes
him with the belt. The ref just kind of watches disapprovingly.
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Crowbar with the NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX, BABY.
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Just a two count, though.
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Crowbar with a Death Valley Driver!
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Just a two count, though.
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Crowbar with a reverse DDT.
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Just a two count again, because Torrie interfered.
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Crowbar manhandles Torrie, but Douglas hits the Franchiser for the win.
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That has to be the crappiest finisher in all of sports entertainment.
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Yep. I'm calling that move sports entertainment here because in my sport
of professional wrestling, there are no crappy moves like that.
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Here comes Daffney, who gets whipped into the safety rail by Torrie.
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There's Ozzy (no, not that Ozzy) watching Daffney open a six pack on Ms.
Wilson.
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Ozzy runs in and goes for a spear, but it gets him nowhere and Shane Douglas
just kind of beats on him.
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What the heck? Madusa comes in.
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Madusa hits an enzuiguri on Douglas.
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Here's Goldberg at Bret's locker room, and security won't let him in.
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Goldberg has other plans, though, and he trashes the security guys.
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Goldberg runs into the empty locker room.
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Yeah, like they're really going to put the Power Plant scrubs in charge
of the real dressing room.
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George Foreman's providing Closed Captioning for us tonight.
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Here comes Bret Hart for an interview.
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Tickets go on sale this week for a bunch of dates in a bunch of places.
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Bret's interviewing himself.
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Bret asks for respect and wonders what happened in wrestling and says that
Mike Awesome's worth only half of what he was 15 minutes ago.
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He says Vince Russo's name to get a good "bad guy" response.
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Bret says he's the greatest pro wrestler in history.
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He talks about "the WCW" and says he's been screwed since he arrived.
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He says he's beaten everyone in the WWF and mentions names like The Rock,
Steve Austin, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker and probably some other people
and all the wrestlers in "the WCW" from Sting to Goldberg.
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He says Russo is the only guy in WCW who has given him a chance.
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The fans chant for Goldberg again.
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What do they want? Two hours of Goldberg spitting and snarling and spearing
and jackhammering?
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They show the "kick heard 'round the world" again and again and again.
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He says there's 10% permanent injury to his brain, possibly for the rest
of his life. Yes, that's really what he said.
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This turns into an anti-Goldberg tirade.
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Goldberg's music plays.
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Bret invites Goldberg to finish the job.
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Goldberg has a mic.
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Goldberg says he's not attacking Bret because he has remorse for kicking
him in the head and he sometimes wishes that he had been the one to be
kicked.
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Bret says he wishes it were Goldberg, too.
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Bret talks about how Goldberg only cares about merchandising.
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Bret points out a "Goldberg stuffed thing" in the crowd then calls himself
the "greatest history wrestler career." No, really.
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Goldberg says that Bret Hart was one of the people he looked up
to in wrestling and a lot of other stuff.
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Goldberg leaves, but Bret makes a smart remark and Goldberg runs back in.
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Bret get grabbed by the collar, but Big Poppa Pump runs in, hits Goldberg
with a lead pipe, then applies the Steiner Recliner.
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Goldberg's out and Steiner starts to say something. It must have been something
bad because someone decides it's time for the Road Report.
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Here's the WCW Motorsports segment.
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Vampiro is signing autographs at the event and is generally out of character.
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He was the same way at the Nitro I went to back in May.
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Vampiro suggests causing some kind of wreck or something to start a brawl.
Now that would be cool.
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Turns out the WCW car crashed and was unable to finish the race. Then they
blame it all on Vampiro.
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Let's see Scott Steiner hit Goldberg with the lead pipe again.
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Scott Steiner is shown in back leaving with a new freak.
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Goldberg will wrestle Scott Steiner at Fall Brawl, you know.
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Match #4: World Tag Team Title Match: Filthy Animals vs. Harris Brothers
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Scott Hudson had a baby.
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Or more acurately his wife had a baby.
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Konnan hits his catchphrases.
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And here come the Harrises.
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Konnan's going on commentary.
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Anyone remember when the Harrises were tag champs? Me neither.
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Disco Inferno's doing commentary, too.
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Juventud hits a "springboard dropkick boom" on Don. Or at least that's
what Disco called it.
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Ron (w/bandana) tags in.
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My computer randomly shuts down so I have to reboot.
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We didn't miss much, though. Just a move that I should have known the name
of followed by a sitout powerbomb from Ron.
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Don tagged in and sports entertains.
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Ron tags back in.
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Juvi hits a springboard bulldog.
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Tygress runs in and hits a bronco buster on Ron.
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Rey joins right behind and then Juvi tries to join, but gets hit in the
crotch instead.
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Here comes Kronic.
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Disco Inferno leaves commentary and gets nailed by Kronic (w/bats).
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Adams throws Misterio onto . . . well, let's call him Don, but I really
don't know because Ron ditched the bandana at some point . . . for the
pin.
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We show a teaser for highlights of the War Games match from Monday.
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That was the King Leo Naptime match on Monday.
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It was a little weird watching the main event in its traditional place
at the end of the show.
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We go to commercial and come back to more commercials, but these are the
guys who bring us Thunder.
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Winky the Crow? What does he have to do with Corn Nuts? Corn Nuts are too
commercialized now.
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Here are the highlights of War Games.
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Russo talking is a highlight?
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The ending was a real letdown for me.
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Afterwards, Booker T showered and joined his friends and family and actually
did a normal "I'm gonna beat you at the pay-per-view" interview for the
Fall Brawl match, with the friends and family joining in the "Don't hate
the playa . . . " catchphrase.
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A really nicely done interview.
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Up next: Vampiro vs. Sting in an "anything goes" match.
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But first, a
Yamaha Cheap Plug Tailgate Party highlight
. . . um, thing.
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Then a highlight reel of the Vampiro/Sting feud.
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Match #5: Vampiro vs. Sting in an "anything goes" match.
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Vampiro comes out with the Insane Clown Posse.
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St. Stevie talks about the gigolos.
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The ICP's going to do commentary apparently. Our Patron Saint is not amused.
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I don't think we were supposed to see this, but an "upset" Stevie Ray showed
his anger by patting the ICP on the back and smiling warmly when they joined
the announcers. Then he talks to somebody off screen.
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Sting comes out, and we find out this is a JCW sanctioned match, but it's
not a title match because he hasn't beaten any of the JCW scrubs.
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The Insane Clown Posse actually amuses me with their commentary.
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Sting and Vampiro wrestle in the wring, then outside.
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The ICP makes note that Sting's spandex tights are two sizes too small.
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They're just brawling.
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It's pretty good for a brawl.
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One of the clowns hits Sting.
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Then the other one hits Sting.
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Vampiro hits a flying axehandle from the announcers table.
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Sting gets the advantage and stares down the ICP.
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Sting hits an atomic drop on the floor and Vampiro somehow bounces over
the announce table and almost hits Schiavone. It's one of those confusing
things like the DDTs that cause the opponent to do a forward flip.
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They're back in the ring now.
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Vampiro applies a wristlock which is reversed by a low blow.
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Vampiro hits two chops and Sting goes down.
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Vampiro goes to the top, but Sting throws him off.
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Vampiro hits a "submission hold" that the ICP makes up a long name for.
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Here comes the Stinger splash and another that gets countered by a low
blow.
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Vampiro goes for the nail in the coffin, but gets countered by the Scorpion
Death Drop.
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Sting pins Vampiro, but Vampiro is named the winner anyway for some odd
reason.
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Muta comes out and accidentally spits green mist in Violent J's face.
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Here comes Goldberg!
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Hey, I really don't know why. I just report what goes on.
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ICP tries a double clothesline on Goldberg, but Goldberg takes them out.
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He takes out Vampiro, too.
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Stevie Ray: "The gigolos are down."
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Goldberg calls out Bret Hart.
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Bret doesn't come out, but my new hero as of a few weeks ago, Lance Storm,
accepts the challenge because Bret's career may have been ended, but there
are some Canadians in the back who will accept the challenge as soon as
they gets taped up.
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Lance Storm freakin' rules!!!!
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OK, so does Goldberg, but Lance Storm rules more!
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Yeah, so I'm probably the only "internet mark" who likes Goldberg. So sue
me.
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Disclaimer: Please don't sue me.
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And by some odd coincidence, there's a Canadian flag flying proudly above
our TV. It was there when I got here. Really.
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And in another coincidence, Lance Storm's music is cued as we get back
from the commercial break. Just in time for:
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Match #6:
U.S. Canadian Heavyweight Champion Lance Storm
and Cruiserweight 100 Kilos and Under Champion "Prime
Time" Elix Skipper vs. Goldberg in a handicap match.
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But first, the Canadian national anthem.
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Goldberg formally accepts the challenge.
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Storm and Elix Skipper are apparently Goldberg's opponents.
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Or maybe not.
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They stall some and start to leave the ring.
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Storm turns around and shoves Skipper into Goldberg.
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Goldberg spears Skipper, and Lance Storm walks out.
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General Rection Hugh Morrus runs in and throws Storm into
the ring.
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Goldberg nails a particularly vicious-looking pumphandle suplex-type move
followed by a spear and jackhammer.
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Goldberg pins Storm.
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I start to cry.
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That was really a pretty good show. If I weren't getting used to trying
to type and watch at the same time I could have gotten into it a lot more.
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I really couldn't find a way to work this into the report, but for quite
some time I was a bit critical about Stevie Ray asking questions about
match stipulations and the like that had already been explained, but then
I realized that if it were a crime to ignore Mike Tenay and Tony Schiavone,
I'd be spending the rest of my life in a maximum security prison.
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The Good: Lance Storm makes the perfect "cowardly heel."
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The Bad: Bret Hart really seemed out of it during his interview.
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The Ugly: The Lava Lamp set.
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Trivia answer: Bret "The Hitman" Hart
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And best wishes to Bill and his significant other.