WCW Thunder - Wednesday, November 8, 2000

Who?

It's been a while. For those of you wondering what had become of me, I had a pretty good con going as I shacked up in Bill's attic over the last thirteen months or so, pirating his DSL line for my own nefarious ends. It was all fun and games until the boss came up looking for some Christmas decorations among the dustballs and dressing dummies and found me eating humdingers--two clotheslines and a Sharpshooter later, and I swore I'd cover this week's Thunder as penance for wearing some of his dearly departed Uncle Claude's clothes and eating canned peaches from the cupboard at obscene hours of the night.

Actually, I've just been buried beneath a landslide of school and scheduling snafus. This is the first time in quite a while that I've had a chance to watch a whole wrestling telecast, let alone come off the bench for the Digest.. I invited the Schwahsylum's very own Swan to ride stereo shotgun for the telecast, marking the very first DDT Digest simultaneous coastal show recap! If that doesn't make this THE MOST INCREDIBLE THUNDER IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOES!

It should be fun.

But that's enough jibber-jabber. Let's do this thing.

 

• We are TAPED for two hours of Thunder from The United Center in ChiTown!
• Schizo montage to start. We take a look back at the ongoing drama between PerfectShawn, the new CEO of Turnerland, Steiner popping veins and Nash being generally sluggish and annoying.

• Booker is in the commish's office.
  • Booker wants a piece of Stasiak tonight.
  • Swan:  "I do, too.  On the end of a knife."
  • Sanders blows off the request, as apparently, Nash has beaten the champ to the punch.
  • Instead, we've got Booker and Mike Awesome.
  • Booker kindly suggests that Sanders learn some respect, or he's going to be SOL.
  • The way WCW throws that term around, you'd think they invented the friggin' thing.

• Opening credits. Looks more like a who's-who of booted talent these days.

• Our Patron Saint is taking point and issue with suckahs at the announcing table, along with the Bane of Fan Existence otherwise known as Tony Skeevone and the Professor himself, Mike Tenay.

• The talking heads bicker, and we go straight to..

• Match #1: Evan Karagias vs. Jamie Noble
  • We take a look back at the unmasking of Jamie-San and the shocker that left the sports entertainment world on its ass. It's too bad they didn't run this angle with Kato from the Orient Express back in the day, he wasn't half the worker Noble was with the Jung Dragons.
  • Swan:  "My favorite former masked man will always be the 'Super Invader.'  How did he see with that red mask on???  WHY DID HE WALK TO THE RING BACKWARDS????  IT IS A MYSTERY.  SOMEONE DID PUT A HAT ON SOME HAM."
  • Evan comes out. I wonder how many bookers it took to determine a definitive spelling of his name?
  • Jamie's out next. He looks like someone stuffed Buff Bagwell in the washing machine and dryer.
  • Who?
  • Posedowns to start. The announcers play up Evan's new 'Hollywood brat' gimmick.
  • Punches and kicks result in a "Boring" chant about two seconds into the frigging match. I think if I'd just sat through Nitro and had to be there, I'd be punchy, too.
  • Evan gets dropped out of the ring, and Jamie hits a nice running flip off the apron.
  • Jamie with a bodyslam, short legdrop and a two count.
  • Jamie goes up for a moonsault, but Evan crotches him and drags him back by the hair into a tree of woe. Two kicks and more posing.
  • Someone get those Luger tapes away from Karagias.
  • Noble is out of the precarious position, and Evan launches him into a botched military press. Jamie manages to avoid having his neck broken, slips down into a rollup and gets two.
  • Evan recovers, powerslam for two. Jamie ends up in a wheelbarrow off of the ropes, but Evan sets it up into a really nice powerbomb variation for another two.
  • The pair tangle in a suplex, and Jamie gets the worst of it. Evan with a cross bodyblock off the ropes.
  • Evan with a front fall slam. He props Jamie up for a superplex off the second turnbuckle, but Jamie shoves him off and hits a sportin' guillotine legdrop.
  • Somewhere, Psicosis sheds a tear like Iron Eyes Cody.
  • Swan:  "Somewhere, Juventud Guerrera gets hopped up on goofballs and strips naked to tell Ciclope that he's Jesus.  And then Jesus from Los Boriquas slaps him and tells him to shut his f***ing mouth."
  • Noble with some chops.
  • Jamie takes Evan out of the corner into a belly-to-belly with a bridge for two, then a deliciously oversold Chris Benoit running clothesline.
  • Who?
  • Jamie continues to pour it on, punches in the corner.
  • Tony prattles on, mentioning that nobody knew that Jamie wasn't "oriental". I'd be offended. too.
  • Jamie goes outside hardaway after missing a shoulder charge, and Sugar Shane and Shannon bail through the ropes to rough up Evan. They nail their fireman's carry neckbreaker combo and duck outside.
  • Jamie comes back in and makes the cover for three.
  • YOUR WINNER VIA DIRTY, DIRTY SKULLDUGGERY: Jamie Noble.
  • After the match, the heels work Evan over until Jamie runs them off with a steel chair.

• Commercials.
  • Who do you think will sue Midway over unlicensed usage of their likeness in Ready 2 Rumble 2? I'm throwing down five bucks on Jacko.

• Gene Mean is with the Boogie Knights.
  • Disqo pulls his "How do you like my hat?" deal on Gene, to which Okerlund responds "It sucks!"
  • Gene says Disqo should burn the rest of his clothes while he's at it.
  • Disqo runs down K-Dawg, and Alex Wright gets in a German lesson.

• Match #2: Reno vs. Crowbar (For the WCW Hardcore Title)
  • Reno looks a lot like that guy that Matt Damon buys off to beat up Adam Baldwin in "My Bodyguard".
  • For what I believe is technically Reno's second hardcore title defense, he'll be taking on...
  • Crowbar.
  • Devon comes out wearing some crap he stole from Champagne Kanyon's closet, but thankfully returns to his crazy gimmick before running into the ring.
  • Reno has a kendo stick, and doesn't hesitate to lay a few welts all over Crowbar.
  • Reno knocks Crowbar outside, then goes for some plundah from the cans strapped to the ring posts outside the mat. WCW truly can be innovative, but just when it comes to utterly useless things like.. that.
  • Trash can lid to Crowbar's skull.
  • Crowbar recovers, and sends Reno into one of the garbage cans. The champ gets rolled back into the ring, and Crowbar goes after him with a steel chair.
  • Toboggan drop on the chair onto Reno's back.
  • Crowbar heads outside and finds himself a nice twenty-foot ladder under the ring. He pushes it through the ropes, but Reno's there with some punches.
  • Crowbar ducks a clothesline and hits his headbutt to the groin.
  • Reno's down, and Crowbar lays the ladder atop him before hitting his vaulting body splash from the apron. Two seconds later, he's throwing a moonsault onto the champion and the ladder.
  • Why isn't this man challenging for a REAL BELT?
  • Northern lights suplex on Reno for two.
  • Crowbar with chops.
  • Reno comes back with his Tazz offense, nailing a belly-to-belly off the ropes that was supposed to send Crowbar onto the ladder. Unfortunately, he falls about three feet short.
  • Stevie sells the hell out of the move anyways. Amen.
  • Reno attempts Roll the Dice, but Crowbar smacks him with the trash can lid and squirms out.
  • Snap DDT and the patent two-thumb Stooges eye gouge from the challenger.
  • I miss Daffney.
  • Reno's up, and makes Crowbar just another victim with a t-bone suplex.
  • Crowbar comes back with a swank dropkick and a forward suplex onto the top rope.
  • Reno bounces off the ropes and falls to the floor, and Crowbar drops the ladder on him.
  • No, I mean, he really dropped the ladder on him. Just picked it up, walked over, and dumped it on Reno's shoulders from about ten feet.
  • I really hope that was rigged. OW.
  • Crowbar slides out of the ring, props Reno up in a steel chair and lands his running clothesline off the apron. Nice maneuver, but the wonderful WCW production team socks home its first score of the night by zooming in close enough to hear Crowbar audibly ask if Reno's alright while both men are down.
  • The action goes up the aisle with the chair, with both guys exchanging shots.
  • Reno with a snap suplex on the arena floor.
  • Things slow down with some generic brawling into the backstage area, bonking each other's skulls off of whatever's handy.
  • Crowbar commandeers the fire extinguisher and blasts Reno back out onto the stage with it.
  • Reno recovers and sets up for Roll the Dice again, but Big Vito pokes his head out from behind the curtain before sending the champ off the stage with a Mafia Kick.
  • Good pop for the Staten Island Fairy.
  • Crowbar hits a pretty hesitant splash off the stage and covers for three!
  • YOUR WINNER AND NEW GARBAGE CHAMPEEN: Crowbar.

• Commercials.

• Gene is in back with Mike Awesome, Crowbar, and the Misfits in Action.
  • God bless Mike Awesome, he really tries with this idiotic gimmick.
  • Crowbar cuts himself a nice promo, promising to raise the standard for the hardcore division.
  • Considering who he's got to work with, I wish him the best of luck.

• Subscribe to WCW Magazine! Now featuring only a TWO MONTH lull between printing time and the occurrence of critical angles and backstage drama!

• Match #3: Konnan (w/The Filthy Animals) vs. Disqo (w/Alex Wright)
  • K-Dawg comes out with Tygress, Rey, and Kidman.
  • He'll be going up against Disqo.
  • Kidman is at the announcer's booth, and he still sounds like Boy George.
  • Konnan takes it to Disqo the minute the Dancing Fool gets in the ring.
  • The announcers go on about how Disqo is the most hated man in WCW. Hey, someone had to take up the slack after Hogan got dumped into The Null Zone.
  • It's all K-Dawg into a rollthrough and armbar variation.
  • Disqo comes back with forearms and boots, stomping a mudhole in Konnan all over the ring.
  • He chokes K-Dawg, then shoves the referee when he tries to pry him off. The referee shoves back, and the announcers name drop him as "Scott James, one of the James Gang".
  • For those of you wondering why, the official is actually Scott Armstrong (Calm down, Bill) and WCW is wasting its time tugging at WWF AGAIN in reference to Road Dogg's gimmick.
  • Back in reality, Disqo drops a swinging neckbreaker.
  • Tony works in a Ding-Dongs reference! Holy crap on a stick!
  • Disqo telegraphs a double axehandle off the top rope very poorly, and K-Dawg ducks past and drops him with a punch to the stomach.
  • K-Dawg with his rolling clothesline. He goes for a second, but Wright snags his foot.
  • The Animals punk out Alex, prompting Disqo to come to his partner's aid.
  • Disqo crawls back into the ring, but Konnan immediately nails him with the carpetmuncher.
  • Three.
  • YOUR WINNER AND WORKRATE CHAMPION: Konnan.
  • Post-match, the Animals run off the heels while Disqo rambles and whines about a fast count.
  • WCW: Where the referees get as much ring and angle time as the main eventers.

• Commercials.
  • That chap from the Battletanks commercial could benefit from a spear and jackhammer.

• We're back, and Gene is with a solo Mike Awesome.
  • Awesome basically runs down Booker and Steiner.
  • The shagginess of his fading mullet is worth a mention.
  • That's about it.

• Instead of another match, we go to..

• An interview between Mark Madden and the former commissioner, Ernest Miller.
  • Mark is in a restaurant booth with The Cat and Miss Jones.
  • There's no food on the table and nobody's coming to take their order, so it's safe to assume that the Nitro Grill has found a new purpose.
  • Cat calls Madden "greasy".
  • Mark looks like a bloated version of Stuart Smalley at the right angle.
  • Swan:  "Mark Madden and Ernest Miller could quite possibly be the worst representatives of their respective races. One guy is a self-depreciating, out of shape, loud-mouthed retard and the other's an Amos n' Andy reject in animal print. Next week Alex Wright and his Italian buddy should conspire to kill Goldberg only to be thwarted by the combined efforts of the Patriot and Gentleman Chris Adams."
  • Cat continues on like he's hopped out on crank, going off on some "anti-establishment" spiel.
  • Cat threatens Madden.
  • Miller runs down Flair, citing his "seventy-five" year career.
  • Cat mentions Battledome. NO!
  • My brain trickles out of my ear and goes down to the corner store for a crab juice while they play this inane bullshit up.
  • Miller goes on for WAY too long. During his rant, he calls Madden "Dick Tracy". Madden retaliates by calling him "Arsenio". WTF?
  • Madden finally thanks Miller for his time, and Miller thanks Madden "for his weight".
  • I hope none of that ten minutes I just wasted was Andy Warhol time.
  • The moral of this story: Mark Madden = Fat

• Commercials.

• Scott Steiner is in Mike Sander's office when we come back.
  • Steiner babbles.
  • The jist: He's freaked that Flair is going to yank his title shot due to his fits of rage. He offers to take anger management courses if Sanders will back him up.
  • Mike agrees.
  • Steiner then grabs him by the neck and tells him if he screws up, he'll rip his freaking head off.
  • Scott Steiner in an anger management course?! He's on a collision course with wackiness!

• Mayhem promo.
  • WCW apparently believes that its viewers are a) Gullible morons, and b) Lacking any imagination whatsoever. Geez.

• David Flair is on his way to the ring.
  • Hey, remember when people cared about this angle?
  • Me neither.
  • David recaps the paternity deal for those who managed to miss it, then calls Rey Mysterio out to look him in the eye and tell him he's not the daddy.
  • Out comes Rey and Tygress.
  • Mysterio looks like a midget version of Danny Elfman from The Forbidden Zone.
  • Flair asks if Rey's the father, and Rey considers it before Tygress slaps David into next week.
  • This is apparently a match, now.

• Match #4: Rey Mysterio Jr. (w/Tygress) vs. David Flair (w/rapidly dying heat)
  • Rey nails a springboard splash to start, then an Arabian moonsault.
  • Say what you want about his degeneration of high-flying maneuvers over the years, the guy moves like a miracle on the knees he's got.
  • Swan:  "Finally, Dave Flair wrestles someone he can actually pick up. Also, we get to hear Tony say "WOW FANS WHAT POWER BY DAVID FLAIR" a million times. Tony only says that so adamantly because he can't pick up his ham sandwich under his own strength without his wife cutting it into little triangles for him."
  • Rey with an Irish whip, but misses a charge into the corner.
  • The action goes outside, and David lays in the chops. Tenay has the unmitigated pair to compare Flair to his old man. BAD. BAD.
  • The announcers delve into more Battledome rhetoric as David continues the chops and a suplex for two.
  • I can hear Jim Ross now: "Our competitors are airing a ten-man elimination match against the cast of Battledome. That'll put asses in the seats."
  • Or not.
  • Rey reverses a corner charge of his own, and lands a bulldog off the second rope.
  • During a brief fracas, Tygress slaps David, who indulges in a weak Flair Flop.
  • Tygress comes in and lands the Ruff Ryder. Rey does the exact same thing while she's still in place, prompting Stevie to dampen himself.
  • Rey puts David out of his misery with a HUGE springboard rocker dropper. If nothing else in this match, Rey put on a showcase in the aftermath of being ritualistically killed by Scott Steiner a couple weeks back.
  • Three count.
  • YOUR WINNER: Rey Mysterio Jr. via pinfall.
  • Pointless, but entertaining.

• Commercials.
  • Hey, if the Battledome crossover is as big a success as I think it is, maybe we'll get a BATTLETANKS crossover next? I can pray!
  • Swan:  "Stevie Ray should kick T. Money from Battledome's ass for using 'T' without his expressed written consent."

• Big Frumpy is on his way to the ring with the Natural Born Thrillers.
  • He'll be facing PerfectShawn.

• Match #5: "Big Sluffy" Kevin Nash (w/The Natural Born Thrillers) vs. Shawn Stasiak
  • Stasiak refuses to come down to the ring.
  • PerfectSwan:  "Shawn Stasiak needs some new spandex panties. I can see his erect-Shawn."
  • Kronik's music plays, and out come Adams and Clark.
  • PerfectSwan:  "Kronik's music should start with 'HOMO HOMOHOMO...' You guys are 30 years old, take off those stupid shirts."
  • The three make their way down to the ring, and the groups face off.
  • Sanders grabs himself a mic.
  • The censors bleep "damn", and Sanders tells Kronik to hit the bricks or be suspended.
  • They do.
  • Stasiak looks reasonably freaked, but Sanders tells "Stawn" that he isn't the one who's S.O.L tonight.
  • The Thrillers beat Nash senseless.
  • PerfectSwan:  "OH MY GOD!!! A SWERVE!!! THRILLERS TURN ON NASH!!!! I NEVER SAW IT COMING!!!!! I hope Bret Hart shows up to help out Nash, only to turn on him, and then help him and turn on him again!!!!"
  • Tenay screams about this being the biggest swerve yet. Good lord.
  • After just enough effort by Nash to lie down and get stomped on, Booker T sprints down and makes the save.
  • The NBT do their nWo routes proud, as seven men run out of the ring and make tracks when faced down with a charge from one guy. They're cowardly, you see.
  • Nash, concerned about his heat? Don't be ridiculous.

• Not to tangent, but despite the bad rap he usually gets, there's no reason why Stasiak couldn't have succeeded with a proper face push. He's got the cut, mic skills that could be cultivated and decent ring ability. Hell, if Hugh Morrus can get a US Title push then PerfectShawn could have used this angle to rise up the midcard. Of course, dropping the ball out of bounds, kicking it with both feet and then being hit by a car is more the kind of talent handling we're used to from WCW,

• Commercials.
  • Maybe WCW can get The Grinch to launch a run-in during the Starrcade main event.
  • That girl in the Big Red commercial talks like that because she's smart.

• Moments ago, Nash came one step closer to challenging the great Bret Hart's record with his 1,493rd face flipflop of the year!
  • Nash is in back being attended to by Danny Young. True to form, he doesn't have a mark on him.
  • But he must be hurt if he's being examined by a guy with a flashlight.

• Scott Steiner promo.
  • From the looks of this thing, Steiner could use some beef and spice.

• Commercials.

• Gene is with Lex Luger.
  • Lex looks like Rocky Horror with that new haircut.
  • Lex burbles on.
  • My GOD, Bam Bam Bigelow and he are in cahoots for the main event against Goldberg! Those dastardly scofflaws!
  • The heels go on about retiring Goldberg. Blah.

• Match #6: Lance Storm (w/Team Canada) vs. THE MUNSTER MENG (w/Kwee-Wee and Paisley)
  • Clips of the Meng-Team Canada buildup run.
  • Lance is in the ring, and it looks like he's been dipping into Kwee-Wee's glitter drawer. Seriously, the guy is glistening. He obviously hasn't showered since he got the glitter all over him during the match with Kwee-Wee "two days ago".
  • Lance runs down the Isle of Tonga. He'd better watch it, guys have been run over for far less.
  • Swan:  "Lance Storm is stupid. The "Island of Tonga" isn't full of incompetent people. It's full of people wearing black spandex pants with skulls on the side."
  • Zamfir interrupts the Canadian National Anthem as THE MUNSTER MENG comes down the aisle with Kwee-Wee and Paisley.
  • Lockup to start, Lance slips out.
  • Stalling for a week, Meng finally lands a takedown as Kwee-Wee and Paisley join the announcers.
  • Meng with chops and a headbutt. He's still got some of the best knife-edge action by anyone not named Flair in the business.
  • Storm launches some weak offense, which Meng no-sells.
  • Meng with kicks and punches.
  • Duggan and Elix jump up onto opposite sides of the apron, which allows Storm to gain an advantage.
  • Hey, remember when Lance Storm was the most over heel in the company?
  • Elix drags Meng over the top rope and Storm gets a two-count.
  • For whatever reason, Duggan and Skipper beat Kwee-Wee down in the corner while Meng lands the first (and last) real wrestling move of the contest with a Samoan drop off the ropes.
  • Meng moves outside and locks in a double Tongan death grip on Duggan and Prime Time. Let's hope he didn't have beans for dinner.
  • Meng is victimized by one of those patent "insanely fast standing ten-counts" during the melee'.
  • YOUR WINNER BY THE BOOKING WHEEL OF DOOM: Lance Storm.
  • Swan:  "Kwee-Wee is known as 'Angry Allan' when he gets mad? I guess I should pay more attention, instead of diving over the table and frantically pushing the "channel down" button whenever a man in a purple sash dress in on my television."
  • Kwee-Wee jumps into the ring, and he and Storm go nose to nose.
  • Meng goofs on the apron.
  • The minute he climbs into the ring, Storm bails.
  • Meng rules.

• Commercials.
  • Note to sponsors: "American Woman" is no longer a hip soundtrack to shilling ANY product.

• Beef.. spice.. beef.. spice.. beef.. mmmm, Spice.

• Match #7: Booker T vs. Mike Awesome (For the WCW World Heavyweight Title)
  • Awesome comes out first to what is presumably this week's World Title clusterf***.
  • Booker out next.
  • Swan:  "People give the 'Worm' and the 'People's Elbow' a lot of crap, but Booker T's axe kick is easily the dumbest and worst move in all of wrestling. The guy catching the move looks ridiculous trying to stay bent over while Booker poses for thirty minutes. At least Booker doesn't call it the 'Book End.' That would be SUPER gay."
  • Booker and Awesome toe up and face off in the middle of the ring as the crack WCW production team strikes for the second time tonight, and starts Booker's music all over again.
  • Do the words "pink slip" mean anything to Bill Busch?
  • Lockup, clean break. Again. Three time's a charm, and Awesome cinches in a side headlock.
  • Booker pushes out and retaliates with a dropkick and a snap clothesline for one.
  • Booker hits his armdrag and a twist sidekick, but Awesome ducks it and sends him outside with a clothesline of his own.
  • Generic punching, pushing and chair shenanigans outside the ring.
  • Awesome bodyslams Booker to the arena floor, and Booker becomes the next victim of Kwee-Wee's charisma enhancing glitter.
  • Back in the ring, and Awesome's been dusted pretty good as well. I know that cutbacks are the rule of the day, but can't you hire some guy with a pushbroom to clean up the wrestler effects between matches?
  • Awesome is in control with boots, punches, and a running clothesline.
  • Awesome hits an avalanche lariat in the corner.
  • Awesome looks like a giant Roddy Piper.
  • As Booker tries to regroup, Awesome pulls a table out from under the ring to a decent pop.
  • Awesome sets the table up in the corner and sets Booker for the Lygerbomb.
  • Booker pushes out and attempts the Harlem Sidekick, but Awesome ducks it and german suplexes him through the table!
  • Two count. The crowd's actually booing over that one.
  • Awesome with punches and an Irish whip, which Booker sells into a leapfrog off the turnbuckles WAY too early. Awesome manages to get there in time and it turns into a messy sunset flip cover for two.
  • Booker up and a reverse neckbreaker for two. He hits the 110th Street Slam, but can only get another two off of it.
  • Spinneroni, Harlem Sidekick connects, but it's only good for yet ANOTHER two count,
  • Awesome is up, and goes for a short-arm clothesline, but Booker ducks it and plants him with the Bookend for the three count!
  • YOUR WINNER AND SURPRISINGLY CLUSTERF*** FREE CHAMPION: Booker T,
  • Slow start, sloppy in a few places, but a clean finish and a great middle segment kept this one tight.

• We go in the back with "Stevie Erikson", who is apparently the other Pamela Paulshock.
  • Swan:  "AAH!!! Old lady! Augh!"
  • Like Pamela, Stevie is basically a pair of boobs with a mouth. She looks like Suzanne Somers.
  • She's interviewing..
  • Some guy.
  • Bob something. A former Minnesota Viking. Sounds like Zapp or Zatt, and I'm sure I'll get nailed with at least a dozen e-mails within an hour of this being posted with corrections.
  • Long story short: Bob is a new wrestler. Sarge roughed him up at the Power Plant. He's taking on William "Fridge" Perry at the Toughman competition.
  • Bob also has no right being near a microphone. Neither does Stevie for that matter, as she's apparently the "condescending and chatty" interviewer for the company.
  • Swan:  "I feel like I'm watching a bad sci-fi movie. Weird looking old woman, big dumb black guy, bad dialogue...I've never seen them before and it barely makes sense."
  • We finally get to something like a point, as Bob namedrops Sam Greco, not to be confused with Geico.
  • Bob freaks out and laughs like Frank Gorshin's Riddler with a bass enhancer! AHHHH!
  • What the F*** WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

• Match #8: Bill Goldberg vs. "The Total Package" Lex Luger vs. Bam Bam Bigelow (Triple Threat Match)
  • We start with clips of Luger's crimes against humanity and good taste.
  • Sign: "Luger is Not Good". Amen, brother.
  • Bigelow out after Luger, followed by Kronik. Again.
  • Swan:  "It's 4:20! Don't take this ass-whuppin' personally! We like beer!! OMG THIS IS SOOOO COOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL I COULD DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE>.....!!11"
  • Five dollars says that we're treated to twenty minutes of entrances followed by two minutes of wrestling. Takers? Anyone?
  • Kronik delivers the High Times to the ref--Scott James has left the building, ladies and gentlemen.
  • Bigelow and Luger COULDN'T DO THAT THEMSELVES?

• Commercials. Man.

• Ah. When we come back, Disqo and Alex Wright are paying off Clark and Adams for taking Scott James out.
  • I stand corrected and humbled. I'm just not used to seeing anything that resembles continuity from WCW.
  • Coincidentally, Wright speaks concise English during the promo. I stand corrected and humbled again.

• Meanwhile, back in the arena..
  • Goldberg gets a FULL ENTRANCE. Good gawd.
  • Swan:  "Goldberg is 'America's Most Unlikely Superhero.' So was the 'Meteor Man', starring Robert Townsend. Hey Bill, don't you know how this movie's gonna end?"
  • As I capitalize on my 401k plan and move into retirement and oblivion, Goldberg finally arrives in the ring. Production should be ashamed of themselves for this crap.
  • Fast action to start, with Goldberg dropping both of the heels and running Bigelow to the arena floor and attempting a suplex on Luger.
  • Lex blocks it and Bam Bam pulls him out of the ring to safety.
  • Lex climbs back in and gets pummeled, but Bigelow makes the save.
  • The bad guys double team Glitterberg, who has also become a statistic to Kwee-Wee's rampaging gimmick enhancers.
  • Luger signals for the rack, but Goldberg gets knocked out of the ring.
  • Who is it that's supposedly going to fire Goldberg if The Streak ends, considering that Russo is all but breadlining somewhere in the outskirts of Manhattan?
  • Assorted physical slobber all over the rails and floor mats.
  • Back in the ring, Luger actually hits a SUPLEX.
  • Bigelow follows suit with his headbutt, showcasing all the enthusiasm of a dad coming home to three toddlers after a ten hour day at the office.
  • Swan:  "So....boring..... gahh....."
  • Bigelow with a pin, Goldberg kicks out at two. Luger tries his luck, same result.
  • Goldberg bounces up and kills Bam Bam with the spear.
  • Jackhammer. Splurtch, three count.
  • YOUR WINNER AND STILL PREDICTABILITY CHAMPION: Goldberg.
  • The announcers verbally orgasm, declaring that Bill is now 16 and 0. The pyro blows off like Goldberg just beat the hell out of Hogan all over again..
  • Swan:  "Goldberg! Pin the referee!!! 19-0! Wait, I mean 27-0!"
  • ... and we fade.

• As a wise man once said..

• Er, that's it. We thank you for reading.

The Good: Altogether, I lucked out with a thumbs up show on my impromptu return. Solid contests between Awesome and Booker, Rey had himself a nice showcase squash, and seeing Nash get his ass handed to him is always a good thing, even if it is for the sake of giving him another needless push.

The Bad: The show took a considerable dive down the homestretch, combining both the utterly pointless interview with yet another disposable non-wrestling newcomer and a predictably suckass main event. If you ever wonder what the main difference is between the guys up North and the guys heading rapidly South, just look at the way new talent is introduced--on Raw, we'd get a run in against an established talent. Here, we get two rookie nobodies cluttering up the timeslot before the headlining bout.

The Ugly: Bob, when he laughs. I'll be creeped out for a week.

OK folks, I've been given the thumbs up to add my own little Thunder arena report to add to Mel's. I feel mixed because I've always wanted to write for the coolest wrestling review site on the web, but I've already read Mel's report and gee....no freaking pressure!!! I laughed almost his entire report. Oh well, if I can't top it, maybe I can answer a few questions he brought up. By the way, I took a look at his site and read the interview with Swan, and it was pretty hysterical (or was it just terrifying). It's a good read, just hope you have thick skin. She's kind of out there.

I can start by saying how lucky we were (in retrospect) to not have to see any interviews. I might have paid extra for that little bonus if they hadn't thrown it in. Once Thunder started it was straight match, short break, match. Although everyone around us was a little tired, this really helped us stay into it.

Evan Karagias vs. Jamie Noble.....Who's idea was this??? This wasn't even a good dark match. I felt really bad for the guys when the "boring" chants started. I mean, they're out there hustling and doing some good moves, and the crowd just hates them. No build up, barely any introduction (Paula does the Thunder intros, and you can barely hear her), and the longest match of the night. Great plan, guys. When it ended Evan just booked to the back and ignored everyone in the aisles.

The crew starts bringing the trash cans out and there are audible moans from several people around us (including us). I swear I'm not making this up, my friend and I said (at the same time) "the only way this could be interesting is if Crowbar wrestles". When his music hit, our section went crazy. I think the long break (then seemingly endless match before it) held down the enthusiasm, but he is definitely over. By the way Mel, I miss Daphne too. The match was cool and there were very audible "oohhs" on the big bumps. You couldn't hear it well on TV, but the booing was very loud when they went backstage. It was probably the coolest match of the show so far, and they try going where we can't watch, once again....nice plan guys. Vito got a big pop on his save. He even got a little "Vito" chant going (although a "Staten Island Fairy" chant would have been even better, good line Mel). When Crowbar won, Awesome and Morris ran out and carried him to the ring. Ever the pro, Crowbar was still selling the bumps and actually fell over (right onto a garbage can) when he got in the ring (somebody behind us called him a goofy bastard.....pretty good description). Afterward, a director goes to get the guys and walks them through a second, smaller, celebration (which is what you saw on TV). It was kind of funny to watch.

Konnan vs. Disqo was funny because although Konnan got great response on his catchphrases of doom, it was better watching it at home. The wrestling was OK, but a reference to the Ding Dongs, come on! Actually, I have to give credit to Xavier (and hence Bill for having Xavier write), because that's where I read about them (you have to visit the Slayerground if you haven't yet). Also, Disqo's double axehandle looked as bad live as on TV (can anyone say Erik Watts). I have to say though, they did a really nice job of editing moves all night to make them look smoother. Not that they were a lot of bad ones, but even some mediocre ones look great with the right camera angle.

Flair vs. Mysterio -- In the immortal words of Aldo (actually Charles Nelson Riley), "Boring!" Rey did some nice moves and David actually got one offensive move, but that was it. The only real excitement of the match was after the Faceful of Stuff. I turned and said to my friend, "I can't believe she stayed in that top". Upon turning back to the ring I realized she didn't. We were a little far away, but the front row folks got their money's worth (guess we have a new Nipple Girl).

Stasiak vs. "Coach" Nash -- I'm obviously not as swift as Mel because I missed this one completely. Our whole section was surprised. I like the move because the Thrillers should work or not based on themselves. They're not going to get popular because Nash is standing next to them. Anyway, Kronik got a nice pop when they came out, but not when they left. I think WCW is starting to use that Magic 8-Ball booking. Then nobody even reacted hen Booker ran in. Hate to beat a dead horse, but HELLO!!! Isn't he the World Champ? The Thrillers got decent heat while leaving, hope they can build on it.

Storm vs. Meng -- Too cool! This was fun! Storm got big heat, Meng got a big pop. The match was OK for what it was, but it's not like we expected Lance to take Meng to the top rope (I have a mental picture of Meng doing a Hurracanrana....er I mean Frankensteiner from the top rope.....yikes!). The chops were unbelievably loud. Even with the crowd making noise you could hear them clearly (and after watching TV, Lance's chest was really red). I tried starting a "Tonga" chant (instead of USA) but my friend thought I was dumb. Anyhow, Kwee Wee and Meng got a nice hand at the end, that should be a fun team for a while.

...Note.....Mel, they had four guys in there sweeping between matches, but that glitter just doesn't come up. On the other hand, it makes Lance look so "special".

Awesome vs. Booker -- Definitely the match of the night. Unfortunately we were pretty beat by then, but we did our best (I lost my voice during Nitro). The guys did a great job of keeping us in it (although there was some weird twist where Awesome was trying to be a heel, but we weren't going for it). The "Table" chant started several times and got really loud when he got it. It got louder when he put Booker through it. There were boos when Booker kicked out because we all wanted to see Awesome pin him. Maybe it's a sympathy thing for the goofy gimmick. Anyhow, Booker did get his pops for his standard moves. Nice match, I'd give it 2˝ Spices (mmmmm...Spice).

Thank God we were spared the interview between the old chick and Bob Sapp. I guess I can save Mel some emails since we (the Bears) drafted him. He was an offensive lineman that went through 3 or 4 teams in three years. He was out of the NFL and actually on the XFL roster. He was doing a stupid Toughman boxing gimmick with the Fridge (William Perry to the non-Chicago fans). I found out on a local sports station by accident. Evidently Fridge quit in the second round (not surprising since he was 350lbs of blubber when an active player 10 years ago). I don't know what kind of wrestler Sapp will be, but he has an Extreme Fighting competition on his résumé and is freaking huge! But to just throw him in with no explanation was.....well....typical WCW.

Triple Threat Match -- Good way to end the show (I have to part with the wrestling purists on this one). I don't think anyone in the crowd had the energy for a good long match anyway. The thing with Kronik was bizarre! Nobody could figure it out (although I had a sneaking suspicion, Damn that Disqo). At least they left through the crowd so they could shake hands. It was a pretty cool match for having 3 big guys who don't do any technical wrestling. Bam Bam has some nice moves (although I'm still wondering if that rumor about him saving children from a fire was real or a just a rumor). The end was a little different from the edited version. Bill (obviously hurting) dropped Bigelow trying for the jackhammer. But being the intense (psycho) individual he is, he picked him right back up, took 5 or 6 deep breathes and absolutely planted him! The crowd went crazy, which seems odd considering we saw him do the exact same move to BBB about 1˝ hours earlier. I think it was mostly in tribute to somebody giving his all for the paying customers. He limped out of the arena badly. If he didn't hurt his leg, it must have been his back. But he still stopped to pose for the crowd. No matter what anyone says about his attitude, he really tried to give the crowd what they wanted (both shows).

The Good -- Hurrah for Crowbar! I really enjoyed watching Goldberg, and thought he gutted it out while obviously hurting. Booker and Awesome put on a good, clean, title match.

The Bad -- That you poor people had to watch all those awful interviews.

The Ugly -- I'm with Mel on this one, that interview with Sapp and the old chick was beyond horrifying.

^*The Interesting -- I had to add this category in tribute to the brunette in the white shirt. You saw her if you watched either show. She was in the aisle halfway up the walkway. She was hugged (groped) by more wrestlers than everyone else put together. My cynical friend said it was because she was showing off her....um....assets, but I think it's because.....well....yeah he was probably right. She also had the best sign of the night, it said "I'm Next". :)