Holiday-flavored greetings and generally cheerful salivations to the Digest's intrepid following of WCW faithful. Bill stuffed The Schwahsylum's stocking early this year, by annointing myself as one of the Wednesday Night Thunder regular crew. Until further notice, I'll be shimming up the doldrums of the mid-work-week stretch with a report every two to three weeks, sharing the punchcard with Jarod and Big Mike.

Here's a toast of spiked eggnog to the intrepid Xavier Doom and his report on WCW's Starrcade. I haven't seen it, nor do I plan to, but as usual, XD provides the dirty details at great cost to his well-being and sanity--Monday Nitro was the usual World Championship Wrestling smorgasboard of hot and cold running hope, ranging from gutter-brand crap to passable effort from the usual suspects.

As a sidebar note, fans of Lash LaRoux should take a look at this. It's got about as much chance of happening as WCW pulling off a reasonably satisfactory performance with the handling of the Sin main event, but it'd still be kinda cool.

Thunder picks up right where we faded with Aldo, lots of bollocks about the mystery man, Goldberg's wretched "streak" angle and the Insiders-slash-Natural Born Thrillers feud.

• Speak of the nonsense, and it shall appear. Clips of Nitro run, outlining the situations with Jarrett, Flair and Steiner.
  • Ric, God bless his ever-lovin' soul, cuts an introductory promo for the evening's proceedings in the back seat of his limousine.
  • We get the match menu and more overblown hype about the mystery man.

• Intro rolls.

• The pyro pops, and the talking heads do their thing.

• Match #1: Jamie Knoble vs. Chavo Guererro Jr. (For the WCW Cruiserweight Title)
  • The former Jamie-San makes his entrance first.
  • Out comes the new, improved and decidedly awkwardly heelish Chavo to Uncle Eddy's old theme.
  • Clips from the 2-Count contest on Nitro.
  • Chavo grabs the mic and cuts a textbook eighties "psychological battery" promo about how he'll bypass Sugar Shane Helms as number one contender at Sin if he drops the strap to Knoble.
  • Decent bit, but Chavo's never really had a chance to get over his greenhorn mic skills. I like the direction they've got him wound on right now, though.
  • Knoble's heard all he cares to, and jumps the champ from behind.
  • Tussling and standard cruiserweight armlock exchanges to start.
  • Jamie lands a dropkick. A bodyslam follows with a backbreaker, leading to a brief STF variation.
  • Several rollups by the challenger for a series of two counts.
  • Chavo sends Knoble into the ropes, but Jamie comes back with a headscissors.
  • Chavo gets bounced out of the ring and stalls out.
  • Back in, Knoble slides out under an irish whip, snags Chavo in a schoolboy and secures another two.
  • Jamie attempts a piledriver, but Guererro blocks it and splits Knoble for a knee to the jewels.
  • Chavo with a couple of wonderfully oversold chokes.
  • Chavo hefts Knoble to his feet for an old Curt Hennig-style standing dropkick.
  • Two.
  • Things slow down into another series of reversals and rollups, culminating with a reverse neckbreaker by Knoble that takes both men down.
  • Chavo begs off with the hand behind the back!
  • Knoble doesn't buy it, kicks Chavo and puts him up top for the superplex.
  • Here comes Sugar Shane..
  • Helms grabs Chavo's foot, keeping Jamie from slinging him off the top.
  • Chavo recovers, punches Knoble off the turnbuckle and hits a WICKED frogsplash.
  • I didn't know Chavo had the kind of air in him that he got on that move. French-kissing the light rigging over the ring, indeed.
  • For whatever reason, Chavo also drops a brainbuster on Knoble for the cover.
  • Three.
  • YOUR WINNER AND FINALLY GETTING A FREAKIN' PUSH: Chavo Guererro Jr. via pinfall.
  • Considering Knoble was beaten half to death on Sunday night and this match took place just twenty-four hours later, this was a pretty decent contest.

• Gene is in the back with Daffney and Crowbar.
  • Okerlund plays up the imminent collision between Crowbar and Funk at Sin.
  • Daffney: "It's not easy being green."
  • See, she's got a shirt that says "Booger" and a gak-green wig on.
  • Heh.
  • Crowbar runs down Bigelow and Funk with his usual whipcrack commentary.
  • Crowbar still rules.

• Commercials.
  • I hate Jim Cummings.

• Flair is hanging around in the backstage area.
  • The Cat comes puttering up on an ATV with Miss Jones riding shotgun.
  • Miller's "pimp coat" looks like he skinned a motel bathmat.
  • Miller wants a piece of Steiner, and Flair obliges before heading out for an "important meeting".

• BlahblahwinATVblahblahblah.

• Gene's got Bam Bam Bigelow and the mic in the back.
  • Typical Bigelow eighties bastard promo. Nothing worth mentioning.

• Back in the arena, Jim Duggan is stumbling to the ring.
  • Stills from Starrcade, and the turning of Team Canada.
  • He's got a mic. Help me.
  • Duggan blames "the wrestling experts" for his retirement a few months back.
  • I suppose those medical experts had nothing to do with it, either.
  • Duggan wants to say he's sorry for the Team Canada situation.
  • He apologizes to his dad, his wife and kids, and most importantly, the fans.
  • I guess this is another retirement speech, since Tony mentions that Duggan is "leaving WCW" as Hacksaw pouts back up the ring aisle.
  • Nice enough game from Duggan, but this horse couldn't be deader if you bopped it on the noggin with a cinderblock.

• Commercials.
  • I was waiting for the Energizer Bunny during the Ronnie Milsap commercial.

• When we get back, Duggan is heading for the door with his bags.
  • Mike Awesome pops up out of the blue and begs Hacksaw not to leave.
  • Awesome offers Duggan a ride home after the show, and Jim agrees.
  • Mind your own goddamn business, Awesome! URGH!

• Gene's with the Natural Born Thrillers.
  • Gene bolsters the battle royale, hinting dissident amongst the ranks of the NBTs until Sanders shuts him up.
  • Stasiak baits Okerlund, then blows him off. Gene doesn't get his "prick" line in this time around, which may have actually made this three minutes worth the watch.

• Duggan's outside, where General Rection stops him.
  • Hugh says he understands that a man's gotta do what he's gotta do to feed his family.
  • He forgives Jim for what he's done, and the stocky lads get their hug on.
  • Hugh still isn't getting Hacksaw's Bud Light, though.

• Match #2: Tag Team Battle Royale (For the number one contendership to the WCW Tag Team Titles)
  • The following clusterf*** will determine who tangles with The Insiders at Sin for the straps.
  • The Jung Dragons and Leia Meow head out first, followed by 2-Count.
  • Next up: Meng and Kwee-Wee (w/Paisely), The Harris Brothers and the Evan Karagias-slash-Jamie Knoble pairing.
  • The clubbering starts as the Filthy Animals representation heads out--Rey and Kidman, with Tygress.
  • Here comes Christ Benoit!
  • Nah, it was just the same guitar chords. Here comes the Thrillers and Sanders.
  • Claustrophobic physical slobber commences.
  • Standard tag battle royale rules, if one member of a pairing gets the boot, both wrestlers hit the showers.
  • The Jungs get tossed first, as Leia kicks Yang and Kaz up the aisle.
  • Why the hell is there a referee in the ring?!
  • Jamie and Evan are eliminated next, and they end up pushing and shoving in the aisle.
  • It should be mentioned during all this that the announcers are paying ZERO-FRIGGIN'-ATTENTION to the match. They're calling the action about two or three minutes after the fact.
  • Meng clotheslines 2-Count over the top in stereo.
  • Meng's got his old Faces of Fear tights on. How you say mothballs in attic?
  • Big Vito vaults the barrier and starts beating the hell out of Reno.
  • Sanders moves to assisst, but Johnny the Bull smacks him to his knees with a kendo stick.
  • Johnny and Vito nose up, but end up in an embrace. Thank God, maybe now the Paisans will get some sort of a recognizable push.
  • Though with Big Lazy and DDPunchy using the belts as butt warmers, it's real bloody unlikely.

• Commercials.

• When we get back, Meng, Kwee-Wee and the Harrises have all been sent packing.
  • Of course, we're left to guess this until about five minutes later, when Tony finally makes mention and notice of who's left in the ring.
  • The Thrillers are working Rey and Kidman over.
  • Rey manages to avoid being eliminated several times, but Sanders finally snags Kidman's foot and distracts the former Flock kinder long enough for Palumbo to hit a springboard dropkick.
  • Kidman spills out, and we've got the Perfect Event and Jindrak-O'Haire as our apparent winners.
  • Sanders crawls into the ring and grabs the stick.
  • The Commish orders the bell be rung while the NBTs celebrate.
  • Scott James (Now sporting black hair) protests, but gets kicked out of the ring.
  • Sanders rambles and gobs on for WAY too long.
  • The payoff is that Sanders won't reveal with combination of the Thrillers will be facing the Insiders at the Pay-Per-View. Whoopiedi-doo.
  • A "swerve" is executed, and somewhere, an indian sheds a tear.

• Commercials.
  • Guess what?! We'll see something we can't imagine at Sin!
  • Puke.

• Gene's got Midijah and the World Champion on the spot.
  • Steiner reminds us that nobody controls him, in case we all forgot.
  • Steiner jams more words into twenty seconds of speech than anyone in the history of mankind.
  • The moral of the story: Big arms = Sex

• Match #3: "Prime Time" Elix Skipper vs. Konnan (w/Tygress)
  • "Almost Party Up" brings out Team Canada's representation.
  • I really like Elix, actually. Considering where he's come from and the amount of raw talent he's cultivated in such a short time, he's got one hell of a future once someone with two synapses to spark together gets their hands on him.
  • Here comes Gonnad.
  • Konnan throws out a catchphrase and the CROTCH SHIMMY OF DEATH.
  • K-Dawg with some banana slug footwork and a recliner pin for 2 to start.
  • Konnan snags the arm and seriously screws up a triangle jump to the ropes, but the crack WCW production team cleverly cuts to a random shot of some Meng-looking vato in the crowd to cover it up.
  • Konnan's seriously blown up after that, and Elix covers him with a few kicks, a choke, and an irish whip.
  • K-Dawg rolls under and hits his lariat.
  • Elix drops the Matrix, but Konnan capitalizes for a reverse DDT.
  • Elix vaults the ropes off an irish whip, but comes back with a springboard headscissors and a two.
  • Elix chokes K-Dawg out and plants him with a nice missile dropkick.
  • Konnan looks seriously thrashed, and Skipper bails him with a resthold.
  • K-Dawg finally busts out, and his a clothesline for two.
  • Elix comes back with a hammerlock and an indian deathlock-style drop under the shoulder.
  • Skipper with his in-ring springboard legdrop for two.
  • Irish whip. Konnan goes into the corner, but lands a messy sunset flip for two.
  • Rollups are exchanged, and K-Dawg hits the rolling lariat and cinches in the Tequila Sunrise out of NOWHERE for the tap.
  • YOUR WINNER AND WORKRATE CHAMPION: Konnan via submission.
  • Wow. The lazier, less-talented name goes over the superior rookie who basically carries the entire match? It's just like '96 all over again!
  • It's my unminigated honor to relinquish the first F*** You WCW© moment on this match.

• Commercials.
  • The music is rockin', the rebels rule, and the mullets are fan-freakin'-tastic.

• Gene is standing by with Jeff Jarrett.
  • Jarrett basically hits the catchphrases and runs Steiner down. Bleh.

• The Wall and Lash get up in General Rection's face over the situation with Duggan.
  • Hugh defends his actions, but the MIA don't buy it--they want to know why that's different from the deal with Chavo.
  • Hugh says at least Duggan knows what he's done and has apologized, as the others bail on him.

• Match #4: Crowbar (w/Daffney) vs. Bam-Bam Bigelow
  • Daffney and Crowbar head out, screeching all the way.
  • The announcers have the audacity to play up the Jimmy Hart DJ challenge. Cripes.
  • Bam-Bam heads out, selling his leg injury.
  • Lockup to start, Bam-Bam sends Crowbar into the corner and batters him with shoulder charges and an avalanche.
  • HIGH hiptoss from the Beast, which Tony dubs as a "Superman Biel".
  • Uh, yeah.
  • Bigelow with an effortless suspension suplex.
  • Bigelow tells Daffney to shut up, which prompts her to break a few more windows.
  • Crowbar bounces off the ropes and nails Bigelow's tender knee with a dropkick.
  • Crowbar with boots and a Tenta butt splash on the afflicted joint.
  • Elbow drops to the inside of the leg.
  • Bigelow manages to kick Crowbar off, and the action heads outside. Bigelow reverses a whip into the barrier, but Daffney gets in on the act by raking Bam-Bam's eyes from around back.
  • Bigelow stalks Daffney, but Crowbar comes to her rescue with a crop block to the back of the knee.
  • Crowbar with a baseball slide as Bam-Bam tries to crawl back into the ring, and the Leap of Faith.
  • Here comes Meng.
  • Crowbar heads for the corner, but Meng's there with a chop and the mighty fro-butt.
  • Crowbar stumbles back right into the WORST Greetings from Ashbury Park in the storied and pathetic history of the move.
  • Three.
  • YOUR WINNER AND GIANT BANANA SLUG: Bam-Bam Bigelow via pinfall.
  • Daffney = Ratings.

• Commercials.
  • Speaking of the black hole that is Arsenio Hall's career, where the hell is Sid?

• The Blood Runs Colder promo runs.
  • It's hard to believe a guy as fat as Glacier could be so legitimately versed in martial arts.
  • We see Norman Smiley eating it up, just like on "Monday".
    • Some scrub sticks his head through the door and tells Norman that he's got a match up next.
    • NO.

• Match #5: "Screaming" Norman Smiley vs. ???
  • Smiley comes out, smackin' his proverbial bitch up to a big pop.
  • I've got a bad feeling about this.
  • And yes. He'll be facing Goldberg.
    • Wow! Here's a second for this brilliant decision: F*** You WCW©!
  • 'Berg gets the full entrance honors.
  • Norman has a quietly restrained freakout, as 'Berg hits the ring.
  • Goldberg with a takedown to start.
  • Norman springs to his feet, and pounds the hell out of Goldberg's head.
  • 'Berg sends Smiley into the ropes, but Norman slips out of a military press attempt.
  • Norman springs up, but gets buried by the Spear.
  • Jackhammer. Splat. Win.
  • YOUR WINNER AND THAT'S ABOUT ALL: Bill Goldberg via squash.
  • Totally Buff pops up on the Turnertron, revealing that a Goldberg-Sarge versus Bagwell-Luger match has been signed off for Sin.
    • If Sarge eats the pin, then both he and Goldberg get their pink slips.
  • Goldberg says he's going to "kill" Luger at Sin.
  • Er.. yeah.
  • To the booker's credit, Norman does get the rub as Goldberg helps him up from the mat and out of the ring after the fact.

• Alright. Seriously. Wouldn't the best bet have been to have the tag match for Sin been booked straight? Feasibly, Sarge could do the job and we could dismiss the whole idiotic "streak" angle on a technicality.
  • That said, I'm calling a Bruce turn on Goldberg at the PPV.

• Commercials.
  • I thought Asian humor like that in this Norelco ad went out with the days of eighties cinema.

• Gene's with Kronik and Shane Douglas.
  • The new Starrcade shirt has a suspiciously "festive" One Warrior Nation-style look to it.
  • Douglas plays Ted DiBiase and forks over a fat wad of cash to Kronik, who then grunt for their portion of the interview.

• Earlier today, Mike Tenay sat down with Ric Flair.
  • Tenay asks Flair who the mystery man is.
  • Flair runs the angle around in circles, basically torquing Tenay into whining like a whipped pup.
  • Flair talks up his transition from wrestler to CEO.
  • Ric puts Steiner over, but says that since he's the flagship wrestler for WCW, he's going to have to deal with whatever Flair throws his way.
  • Flair says he's never been jealous of Steiner, or any other wrestler in his entire career.
  • He finishes up by putting the belt over again.
  • A whole lot of nothing, to summarize.

• Commercials.
  • Mickey Rooney? Jiminy Jillickers!

• The Cat and Miss Jones are standing by with Gene.
  • Ernest socks in a standard jibberjabber© promo.

• Match #6: Shane Douglas and Kronik vs. The Misfits in Action (General Rection, Lash LaRoux and The Wall)
  • Douglas heads out first, as stills from Starrcade are run.
  • Shane's on the mic. Cheap heat city, are you ready for a revolution?
  • Shane mentions those darn "mobile homes with wheels" in Richmond, Virginia.
  • Douglas introduces Kronik.
  • The MIA head down next.
  • Shane and Rection start off, but Douglas begs off and tags out to Adams.
  • Adams clobbers Hugh with forearms, but ends up on the recieving end of a Rection clothesline off the top rope.
  • Hugh tags in Lash, who comes off the top to drop an axehandle on a double-team armwringer.
  • Lash goes for the Bourbon Street Blues, but Adams no-sells it..
  • So LaRoux socks him in the crotch.
  • Adams comes back with a lariat and a bodyslam for two.
  • Clarke tags in, and goes to work with a bearhug takedown and standard Big Man Offense®.
  • Lash comes off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker, and slaps in The Wall.
  • Wall looks like Bobo from Nothing But Trouble with that haircut.
  • Clarke hits a drop toehold and tags off to Douglas, who nails his flipping chinlock move and postures.
  • Douglas in control for a spell, until Wall nails a spinebuster.
  • Tony invokes the name of Arn Anderson thusly.
  • A pileup ensues, with all six men brawling inside and outside of the ring.
  • Somewhere in there, Clarke slams Lash down after a dropkick attempt and plants him with the Meltdown.
  • Rection snakes Douglas, dumps him with a back bodydrop and lands the No Laughing Matter.. sorta.
  • Two count, but Clarke breaks it up.
  • Adams has a chair, and ritually waffles each member of the Misfits, ending with a slam on Hugh off the ropes.
  • Rection stumbles right into the Franchiser, which leads to the pin and..
  • The three.
  • YOUR WINNER VIA DASTARDLY SCOFFLAW CHICANERY: Shane Douglas and Kronik via pinfall.
  • Post-match, Douglas drags the wallet chain of incomprehensible evil from his crotch and puts the shellacking on Rection.

• Commercials.
  • The fashion photographer in that 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial looks like Tiger Ali Singh.

• We come back into the backstage area, where the MIA are being attended to by the medical staff.
  • Rection screams a lot. That's about all.

• Team Canada is on their way to the ring.
  • Maybe we can hit the hat trick, and have Lance Storm job to the guy in the Crash Bandicoot costume from those Playstation commercials.
  • Lance helps himself to a mic, and runs down the embarassment of the national election.
  • And he's right.
  • Storm burns Duggan for being a traitor, which prompts "Old Glory" to blast over the loudspeakers.
  • Good Gawd. Here comes Duggan with a 2 x 4.
  • Worth noting is the instantaneous "USA!" chant from the crowd, which was not only indifferent, but damn near flatlining when Hacksaw came out the first time.
  • Elix and Storm corner Duggan, who fends them off for what seems like an hour.
  • Hacksaw's got a microphone, but Mike Awesome hits the ring to make the save.
  • Awesome charges forward, but ends up walloping Duggan instead!
  • YES.
  • Team Canada gets the beatdown on, as Awesome finally completes the circle and channels the weekly NWO B-Team turn a'la 1997 by shedding his jacket to reveal a Canadian shirt.
  • For once in WCW's lifespan, nobody gives a damn how predictable a swerve was when compared to the overwhelming satisfaction of watching Jim Duggan get punched and kicked a lot.

• Commercials.
  • Next, on Ripley's: WCW Monday Nitro once pulled ratings over 3.0! Believe it--OR NOT!

• Moments ago, Mike Awesome hopefully dumped his godawful 70's Guy gimmick to turn his back on his country.
  • Gene is with Team Canada.
  • Awesome rips on the stupid leisure suit gimmick. Yes!
  • Awesome dubs himself "The Canadian Career Killer".
  • Storm tells Duggan to walk away from the fight, or get seriously injured.
  • Mike Awesome looks kinda like a seven-foot-tall version of the Crocodile Hunter.

• Match #7: "The Cat" Ernest Miller (w/Miss Jones) vs. "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner (w/Midijah) for the WCW World Heavyweight Title
  • Miss Jones and Ernesto cut a little rug upon hitting the canvas.
  • Stills of Steiner's community beat-down from Nitro play.
  • I really hope the mystery man isn't the Black Scorpion.
  • The Genetic Freak and his Surgically-Enhanced Freak ride the sirens to the ring next.
  • Steiner controls at the outset, with punches, forearms and a boot choke in the corner.
  • Steiner drops the elbow and pounds out some pushups.
  • Two big guys in the front row are giving Midijah a hell of a lot of grief during the action, and we audibly hear her tell them to "F*** off" as Steiner stomps the Cat.
  • More clubbering from Steiner.
  • Miller finally reverses a whip into the corner and puts Steiner down with a spinning kick.
  • Cat with a karate kick combination and a superkick that sends Steiner outside.
  • Irish whip into the rails, as Midijah and Miss Jones inexplicably attack each other for the Gratuitous Catfight Segment of this week's edition of Thunder.
  • Ernest guillotine chokes Steiner over the top rope, then sends in his knockoff James Brown Street Blues series.
  • Steiner with a back-to-back suplex and a posedown, but he's interrupted by..
  • The Mystery Man.
  • The mystery opponent prances around like an idiot on the crown of the ramp, wearing a mask that makes him look sorta like Jeremy from The Yellow Submarine.
  • The Cat nails the Feliner, but Steiner no-sells it at a two-count.
  • Steiner comes back with a surprise T-Bone suplex and straps in the Recliner for the quick tap.
  • Steiner hauls up the ramp and after his departed antagonist, and we fade..

• Eh.

• The Good: The second coming of Chavo's Cheat to Win gimmick is progressing really nicely. Elix Skipper continues to bang out some startling, if not undisciplined new offense that far surpasses his spot on the card. The Mamalukes reunion angle will finally get Johnny the Bull and Vito out of their stupid singles storylines and into a more promising arena. And despite having to pound out two above-squash matches in a night, the roster continues to put on a decent show with the progressive Nitro and Thunder taping schedule.
• The Bad: The WCW schizophrenia trend continues, rebounding sharply from decent showings to disposible crap matches in the span of mere moments. The booking needs to severely tighten up all the way across the boards in consistency--no way in hell should Elix Skipper and Norman Smiley be put in jobbing situations when we've got guys like Konnan and Mike Sanders being pushed in top positions.
• The Ugly: The direction of this whole mystery opponent gimmick. I seriously cringe.

That's it for this week. We'll be running an all-crummy movie media and review marathon until the New Year chimes in over at Schwah, stop on by if you've got a jones for Clint Howard and Bruce Campbell's phenomenal body of work.

Happy holidays!