WCW Thunder - February 21, 2001

By Swan

• I'd like to thank DDT Digest and Bill specifically for giving me the chance to use my Wednesday night watching Thunder.  Also, for giving me the chance to shamelessly whore the good work of some dear friends of mine, the boys at Whatever-Dude.com.  They're almost as good as Air Paris.
  
  
• Sidenote: I'm really not trying to be cynical with this report, and really AM enjoying the experience...so if something seems sarcastic or hateful, don't worry, it's just my natural misanthropy mixed with some bad television wrestling that's going on lately.
  
• I hate big intro splashes, don't you?
  
  
• Welcome to TBS and Thunder, as we are on the air for THIS another Wednesday night.   It's Tony Schiavone, and the professor Mike Tenay think we're still reeling after what went down at Superbrawl Revenge.  These guys are dumb.  I got over Superbrawl Revenge yesterday afternoon.  But just barely.
• Kevin Nash is the "victim of a powerplay."  He is the New York Rangers.
  
  
• We go to the ring, as Super Sayien Goku Kwee-Wee lays down a challenge.
• Match #1:  Kwee-Wee's Open Challenge
  • "The Eccentric One" himself issues a challenge to the locker room, stating that he "wants a superstar tonight."  Instead, he gets Kaz Hayashi. 
  • Kaz hits a sweet heel kick and then a tope con hilo to open the match.  Talking Heads talk about the Cat.
  • Kwee-Wee's pants are burning my eyes.
  • Kwee gets a boot out of the corner, into an explosive Lou Thesz press.
  • Kaz gets suplexed small of the back first onto the top turnbuckle.  Fark!
  • I like the current trend of WCW shows starting off with a solid cruiserweight match.   It reminds me of the "glory days" of Nitro, when the announcers would talk about Hogan over Ultimo Dragon matches.
  • Some generic brawling.  Tolerable.
  • Wee opens up his textbook and hits a vertical suplex.  He's on the attack!   OMG!
  • Kaz reverses a German suplex attempt and hits a "jump spinning back kick."
  • Kaz mugs.  Banzai!
  • Kwee-Wee gains the advantage by going for a suplex from the apron to the outside, which is reversed into a powerbomb attempt to the floor, which is reversed into some sort of move where Kwee-Wee jumps through the ropes and lands on his head.
  • Kaz with a hurricanrana into the ring steps.  Kind of.
  • Kwee-Wee pulls a "Billy Gunn" by dropping Kaz on his head awkwardly.   That's what he gets for sassing.  Mango.
  • Kaz does his standard "tornado DDT attempt reversed" spot.
  • Solid match, lots of reversals that don't really go anywhere. 
  • Kwee-Wee gets crotched on the top rope.  It makes his hair stand up.
  • Kaz goes to the well for a second time and hits a slingshot into a DDT for...the win?   Wow.
  • YOUR WINNER:  Kaz, using the power of Glacier's armor.
  • Good to see a Jung Dragon getting a win, without having to navigate dozens of missed spots from Shannon Moore!  Bischoff gives Japan a chance. 
  • Russo = Harry Truman
  • I think we've made the right decision.
  • Post match, an upset Angry Allan hits a piledriver and lays Hayashi out.  Look for "Kaz Hayashi:  If They Only Knew" in bookstores this summer.
    
    
    
• DISQO and Alex Wrong from Germany are wearing ugly clothes backstage.
  • Das Wunderpackage is in full effect with some tight jeans.
  • Disco informs Alex that the "team is back," as Alex gives his true feeling about being partnered up with the guy who "would be great if he could just concentrate."
  • Dis says they're on in 10 minutes.  YES!  DANCING!
    
    
• We've got a "Humorous" moment in the ring.
  • General Hugh G. Penis laments Rick Steiner's stiff antics against his buddy Lash on Monday.
  • Hugh calls for a one-on-one match tonight against the Dog Faced Gremlin here tonight.
  • "Theme from Police Holocaust" brings out SCOTT Steiner, who, through his chain mail helmet, promises to break Morrus's back and spirit.
  • Hugh is wearing a "Hugh Morrus" shirt that appears to have been created with much grace at the local flea market.
  • From behind, DFG attacks Hugh and offers the opportunity to "bite him" if Hugh doesn't like him.
  • Scott tells Rick to leave some of Hugh for tonight. 
  • Our main event, Hugh Morrus vs. Scott Steiner for the World Title.
  • Somewhere, the Barbarian is crying.
  • Eventually the entire locker room, including KroniK, Crowbar, and the MASTER OF WRESTLING Air Paris, come to the ring to support Hugh. 
  • Tony promises "more of this" when we return.
  • More Air Paris?  OH HELLS YEAH!
    
    
• I cannot imagine what will happen at WCW Greed.  Really, I can't.
• Backstage, the Magnificent 7 plot the demise of Diamond Dallas Page and the Cat, setting up a tag team contest for later on.  Kanyon kinda stands around smiling.  Kanyon is awesome.
• Big Vito gets sassed by Shawn Crazyak backstage, before getting jumped from behind by Jindrak.  Wow, angle flashback.  Anything to get Maria/Marie/Mary back, she was a cutie.
• Up next is...no...NO!  YES!
  
  
• Match #2: Boogie Knights vs. AJ Styles and GOD'S OTHER SON AIR PARIS.
  • Two veterans are about to get taken to school by Air Paris!  HIS PANTS SAY PARIS!
  • Mike Tenay calls my savior "AJ Paris."  Mike Tenay should burn in Hell!
  • Paris' gear looks ill-fitting, like he just took it out of the washing machine.
  • Wright starts off against Paris, in a battle of Europe, with many, many uppercuts.
  • Wright tags out to DISQO, leading to some marginal double-teaming.
  • DISQO pounds Air Paris into the mat, but eats a standing side kick
  • Note:  Glacier created that move.  Or was it Saturn?
  • Paris tags out to Styles, which is a bad idea.  Styles gets more European uppercuts, but I'm not sure if he's from Europe or not.
  • Wright belly-to-bellys Styles into the corner, and subsequently onto his face.   Sloppy.
  • DISQO and Adolf continue their chicanery, even besting the newly tagged AIR PARIS by working on his legs.
  • Tony tells us that Air Paris got his nickname because of his "high flying maneuvers."   Tony is the master of the understatement.
  • Paris tries to fight back, but the former nWo Red-ites keep the man down. 
  • Boogie Knights hit a missile dropkick Doomsday Device, but DON'T CONCENTRATE and give Paris time to breathe.
  • Tag into AJ Styles, who is a house of fire.
  • Styles hits a pretty wicked tornado DDT and gets a two count.
  • AJ and Paris hit an Atomic Drop/jumping heel kick double team.
  • AJ  ALMOST connects with a dropkick from the top to the outside to both men.   Good attempt!
  • Air Paris hits a crossbody from the top to the outside onto Wright
  • Back in the ring, DISQO dances....BUT....BUT....
  • AJ Styles hits a crossbody from the top and gets the pin on the "Can't Concentrate" Inferno!  The angle continues!  3 years running!
  • YOUR WINNERS:  AJ Styles and Air Paris
  • The Boogie Knights show dismay after the match.  Too bad, you lost to the best!   NOW TESTIFY!
    

• Watch former Heavyweight Champion David Arquette in "See Spot Run," opening in theaters and on the suicide hotline this weekend.
• Another Kid Romeo video package reminds me of the WCW Saturday Night taping I attended, where I watched "new superstar" Kid Romeo fight Allan "Kwee-Wee" Funk three times for two weeks of tapings.  He missed all his big spots.  He is a dancing THE ROCK.  He also had glow sticks.
• Madusa interviewed the Armstrongs at that taping.  Wrestling's First Family!
  
  
  
• Shawn Crazy-ak is in the ring, simultaneously insulting my home state of Alabama and challenging Big Vito to a match.
• He, and the cameras, are recording.
• Match #3:  The Wisecracking Mr. Stasiak vs. Big "Nikita Singlet" Vito
  • Stasiak's trunks are bright, bright orange.  The mood is about to change.
  • Vito is a house of Italian-stereotypical fire, mauling the Tapemaster with punches and punches.
  • Stasiak dumps Vito on his head, but almost gets pinned because he isn't paying attention.
  • I guess he'll never do an "inspect-Shawn."
  • More brawling.  Vito PROVES ME WRONG with a suplex, and then a flying elbow.
  • Tony calls it the "Vito Special." 
  • An underhook suplex gets two.
  • Who will win?  Let's hold an "elec-Shawn."
  • More brawling, a kick to the head from Vito, and then more brawling.
  • I hope Stasiak doesn't get Vito's sister Maria pregnant.  She'll have to have a "C-Sec-Shawn."
  • Stasiak hits a NICE hangman's neckbreaker to...win the match?  Okay.
  • YOUR WINNER:  Shawn Stasiak via the strangely ended match.
  • Shawn tells Vito he is "worthless" like the people after the match.
  • His self confidence gives me an "erec-Shawn."
  • I also hate myself for making these jokes.  Don't worry about hate mail, I'm beating myself with a belt as it is.
    
    
    
• Crowbar reflects backstage about Jarrett's mocking of the big Dust last Monday.  He says he's gonna stand up for tradition and Dusty Rhodes, to show Double J what he's been missing.  Good promo from Crow, who is funky, but not quite like a monkey.
• Buff Bagwell sucks the entertainment out of Kanyon as they walk.  Is it possible?   Yes, it is.
• A Hugh Morrus video package helps revisionist history, so we do not remember the Laughing Man's quest to destroy Macho Man Randy Savage.
• Hugh's senile Grandpa is a REAL American.
  
  
• Match #4: Unmotivated Buff Bagwell and Positively Kanyon vs. Diamond Dallas Page and the Right to Nudity.
  • We take a quick look back at Monday, the greatest moment in the history of wrestling, when Ms. Jones was effectively eliminated from the storylines.
  • The crowd is a bunch of idiots.  They don't know that nobody is better than Kanyon.
  • A quick heel promo brings out...a commercial break.
  • A kid in the crowd is wearing a Vampiro mask. 
  • Hey, I wonder what Vampiro's doing now?
  • Oh....wait....   right. 
  • After the commercial break, the Commish clears the ring with a chair.
  • And out from the crowd, the People's Champion attacks!   IF you SMELLLLLLLLALALAALALA LALALA BANG!  FEEL THE SELF HIGH FIVE!  DIRTY DIRTY CURLY HAIR! 
  • The Old Man and the C clean house, leaving the heels blabbering on the floor.
  • Tony:  "You see...you see Page...with... with the left side...of his eye...of Superbrawl..."
  • Tony's trying to tell us that Page has a scab on his eye.  Takes him five minutes.
  • DDP belly-to-belly suplexes Kanyon for two.
  • The Cat gets tagged in, and dances.  Very little damage is done.  For a two count.
  • The Cat gets in some kicks (!) before catching a "desperation" spinning neckbreaker.
  • Buff is tagged in, so now we've got dancing vs. dancing.
  • When you see him coming better run for cover!  The Cat don't need another weekend lover!
  • Oooh...American Males. 
  • Buff punches like they're on sale at GNC.
  • Cat gets a desperation tag, bringing in Diamond Dallas Page, who hits some desperation clotheslines before getting a desperation DDT from Bagwell.
  • The heels cheat.  I can't believe them!  The nerve!
  • There's so much punching going on that I can't follow.
  • Page is reeling from the offense.  Kanyon channels Nova and hits a elbowdrop to the inside from the apron.
  • Face drama continues until Page reaches deep down into his incontinent bowels to MAKE...
  • THE...
  • TAG!
  • The Cat cleans house by dancing!  Dance, you beautiful Nubian God, dance!
  • It's a Pier 6 from here on until Hello Kitty hits a Feliner on Buff for the win.
  • YOUR ANTICLIMACTIC WINNERS:  DDP and Ernie Miller
  • We fade to commercial with Cat and Page standing close to each other, crotch chopping frantically.
  • Creepy.
    1/2
    
    
• Match #5: Jay E. HaHa Double F vs. Crowbar w/o Daffney :(
  • I guess I'd get rid of Daffney if it was keep her, or get rid of Major Gunns, Ms. Jones, etc.
  • Jarrett punches Crowbar in the back of the head for being a doofus to begin the match.
  • Big dropkick floors Jarrett and gets a 1 count.  From the textbook.
  • The Chosen One works on the arm, but Crowbie fights back with a sitdown hiptoss and a springboard body splash.
  • Tony identifies the Lionsault as an "Asai Moonsault."
  • Somewhere, Yoshihiro Asai grabs a spear and lunges into the darkness.
  • Brawling outside masks both men's abilities.
  • Crowbar hits the leap of faith to the outside, but is too hurt to regroup.
  • Jeff abuses Crowbar about the head and neck using the STEEL ringsteps.
  • A high crossbody gets a two for Jarrett.
  • Crowbar fights back!  Fight, Crowbar, for everlasting peace!
  • A beautiful Northern Lights suplex almost wins the match for Crow.
  • But...Jarrett hits the stroke?  It's over.
  • YOUR WINNER:  Jeff Jarrett via the Stroke.
  • It was a pretty good match, only about five minutes too short.
  • Post-match, Jarrett sets up Crowbar for the Shattered Dreams kick to the thigh, but the son of the son of a plumber in his red leather pants dashes out to make the save.
    
    
    
• Get a Konnan Mastercard.  Works just like foodstamps.
• A long Shane Douglas video package reveals his hatred of Ric Flair.  He hates Flair? Not a bad promo, but several hours too long.
• Even though my match report didn't prove it, The Cat earned my respect last week by calling the Total Package "Lousy Lex Luger."  The name was so unbearably not funny that it became priceless, and will give me joy not unlike the joy of Designing Women, for the rest of my life.
• And speak of the Frog-faced Devil!
  
  
• Match #6: Lousy Lex Luger's Sexy Flexy Promo
  • Lex:  "Chuck Palumbo admires me!"
  • Crowd:  "GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG"
  • YOUR WINNER: All of God's children.
  • Jungle Chuck Palumbo takes offense to Lex's evil taunts, and gives the SEXY LEXY some big right hands.
  • Lex gives Chuck some big right hands.
  • Chuck gives Lex some big right hands.
  • Lex gives Chuck some big right hands.
  • Feel the destrucity!
  • Lex poses...but gets rolled up from behind for the three count!
  • YOUR OTHER WINNER:  Chuck Palumbo
  • Oh mother of mercy you've made the Total Package mad!  Chuck gets racked for his efforts post-match, until his partner Sean O'Haire makes the save with his rad facial hair.
  • Lex has a men's room man posing on his butt.  That's funny.
    
    
    
• Backstage, Sean O' Haire said he was going to spend the next five days thinking of sick and twisted things to do to Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell.  Kinky.
  
  
• Backstage, as Animal and Steiner entered a locker room looking for Morrus, the laughing man shut the door behind them and bolted it shut.  Crafty laughing man!
  
  
• Match #7:  Big Poppa Pump Freak Butt Daddy Scott Steiner vs. "The Laughing Man" Hugh Morrus
  • Before things get underway, what kind of nickname is "the laughing man?"   It's almost as scary as "the eating man" or the "man who wears T-shirts sometimes."  At least he's not "GI Whiteboy" anymore.
  • Long story short, Scotty dominates early on in the match....BUT...BUT!
  • Morrus shows his intestinal fortitude by fighting back against everything.
  • Hugh Morrus is a Great American.
  • Soon, the guardrail comes into play, as Steiner continues to pound away on the good General on the outside.
  • Back in the ring, Morrus comes back with a big slam and a leg lariat.  But is it ENOUGH?
  • No.  Steiner suplexes the feces out of Morrus.
  • Not pleased with having his brain smacking the inside of his skull, Hugh reverses a suplex and hits a release German suplex.  It's no laughing matter!
  • Roid rage kicks in as Scotty flips Morrus onto his head with a WIKID AWESOME T-bone suplex...and...
  • Locks on the Steiner Recliner!
  • You're just sitting on your knees, Hugh, fight back!  Fight back!
  • But to no avail.
  • YOUR WINNER:  Your Big Bad Booty Daddy of Doom if you don't like him bite him you want some come get some.
  • Hugh Morrus is STILL a Great American.
    
  • A Great American with a broken leg if the Brothers Steiner have anything to say about it!
  • Scotty "broke" Curry Man Christopher Daniels' leg a few Nitro's ago, so this is emotional child's play for me.
  • Diamond Dallas Page makes the save!  Hooray!
  • Brawling fights the good fight until...
  • We fade.
  • Boink, that's it.
    
• THE GOOD:  All of the matches (with the exception of the Total Package's life) were solid, as many of WCW's shows have been lately.  Most of the matches ended cleanly.  Plus, Air Paris RULES THE SCHOOL BIOTCH YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE.
• THE BAD:  The Main-Event and the Jarrett/Crowbar match were both WAY too short.  Luger could've cut his promo by, say, all of it, to make more room for quality wrestling.  Plus, Air Paris only wrestled one match.
• THE UGLY:  Chuck Palumbo and Stasiak need some bigger shorts.
  
  
  AGAIN, please visit Whatever-Dude.com.   Thank you, and good day.

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