I read Xavier Doom's Starrcade report, and was rather unimpressed with WCW's marquee PPV for yet another year. So many crackheaded finishes, so many inconclusive matches. Why bring the Varsity Club back unannounced? They don't fit into any angles and, as much as I dug them back in the 80s, Sullivan's far over the hill, my man Rotunda nearly as bad, and Steiner irrelevant. What use was that? How can you protect Vampiro's credibility when he gets beaten up by a fat, out-of-shape Jim Ross imitator (and, gee, one of the bookers at that), and has to rely on a rock band for the save? Why would you have a powerbomb match end without a powerbomb, and a ref just taking someone's word that they'd powerbombed their opponent? Why does Madusa have a belt, let alone the one belt in WCW that's meant ANYTHING over the past couple of years? Why has Harlem Heat gone from together to split in two weeks? And why on Earth would Bret Hart, after all the complaining and suffering he's been through over the "screwing" incident, agree to that kind of finish? What sense did Piper "screwing" Goldberg make, either?
Apparently, the live crowd wasn't impressed either, chanting "WCW Sucks" after the show. WCW actually did a decent job building up some interest for this show, but that only makes it worse when they fail to deliver.
- Madusa can't be a cruiserweight with all those implants.
- She talks about being the first female Cruiserweight champion.
- The crowd goes mild.
- She says that women are dominating WCW with a little T&A.
- She threatens that the Powers That Be will be the Powers That Was.
- She makes an open challenge to "neuter" someone.
- Buzzkill walks around with a sign promoting women's rights.
- Madusa wants him to give her the equal right to kick his ass.
- Madusa gets Buzzkill in the ring, and whacks him with the sign.
- Three Missile dropkicks from Madusa.
- Armstrong kicks out at two.
- Armstrong blocks the German suplex and hits a dropkick of his own.
- Spice distracts Mickey Jay.
- Armstrong hits the Russian Legsweep, but the ref is distracted.
- Spice tosses something to Madusa.
- Madusa clocks Armstrong with the object, and hits the sloppy German suplex for the pin.
- Hey, I've got an idea.
- It's kind of revolutionary, but it just might work.
- F*** you, WCW.©
- They talk about Goldberg getting "screwed."
- Tonight: Jeff Jarrett vs. Chris Benoit (again, another ladder match), Bigelow vs. Kanyon vs. DDP, Meng and Norman Smiley vs. Fit Finlay and Brian Knobbs, and more.
- Hennig says that he saw Hugh Morrus walking around.
- Russo says that Hennig will face Morrus, and is to make sure that it's Morrus' "last match".
- CC is supposed to bring Piper to the Powers.
- Yeah, PLEASE bring Piper's kid into an angle again. That's just what I was looking for.
- Piper gets his kid to tape his (Piper's) wrist.
- CC comes to get Piper. He brings his kid with him.
- Morrus makes his way out first.
- Hennig comes out solo.
- In the back, someone in a "scream" match is beating Shane down with a pipe-shaped object.
- Tony Jabroni actually makes an truthful comment: "I've never been so confused leaving a WCW PPV in my life..."
- Morrus hands Hennig his ass to start.
- Morrus with a HUGE avalanche in the corner.
- Some old guy in a hospital gown wanders around the crowd.
- Morrus notices him.
- The old guy comes to the ramp area.
- Morrus calls the guy "Pop" and escorts him to the rampway.
- Morrus makes his way back to the ring, and Hennig regains the advantage.
- "Pop" is still at ringside in his hospital gown.
- Morrus starts to hulk up.
- Morrus gets distracted again, and Hennig comes back.
- Morrus slams Hennig, and goes out with "Pop" again.
- Hennig catches Morrus coming back in, and meets him with the Hennigplex for the pinfall.
- "Pop" comes in to take care of Morrus, and mimics him.
- Russo says that "I am an asshole"
- Russo says that Piper made the deal with the devil, and Piper can't touch Russo without breaking the deal.
- Russo says Piper has to do one more thing: He has to go out and tell the people that he sold out last night.
- Russo says that Piper
- Piper talks about "shooting" with all the people who think they know "His" sport.
- The audio's bad in this segment.
- Piper's ranting about his history.
- Piper looks drunk.
- This is so horrible.
- This is BEYOND horrible. It's B-movie emotion.
- Piper seems to threaten Russo somehow, but I can't really tell.
- Tony talks about Russo working for McMahon, and say that many people think Russo scripted the ending of the Hart/Michaels match.
- So much for a willing suspension of disbelief with regards to wrestling.
- We see stills of the Hart/Goldberg match.
- Tony says Kevin Nash has been defending Goldberg in the locker room.
- Speaking of Nash, he makes his way down.
- Nash gets on the stick.
- Nash talks about the wrestling business.
- Nash talks about the codes of conduct that the "codes" live by.
- Nash says one of the codes is that the boys never screw one of the boys.
- WCW-TV: All "shoot", all the time.
- Nash talks about what you DON'T see behind the curtains.
- Nash says in one hand, there's the "boys", and in the others, there's the office.
- Nash says the boys are a fraternity, and the office is all about the dollars.
- Nash: "The office doesn't give a shit about us."
- Nash says they have no benefits.
- This is so sad. My condolences to any WCW fans. This used to be a good promotion.
- Nash says he doesn't give a damn about Goldberg, but what happened to him was bullshit.
- Aldo: What the hell is this, Chicago Hope?
- Nash gets to Bret Hart. Nash says Hart broke the code, and screwed one of the boys.
- Nash has worked "shit" and "asshole" into his commentary.
- I can't find the words to describe how sad this is.
- He asks them about Nash's accusations.
- CC says that Nash is the biggest politician in the locker room.
- This, of course, removes any chance of that being a "shoot".
- Continuing the pain, it's Jim Neidhart's less-talented clone.
- Facing Jerry Flynn.
- At least it's not a "block" match.
- This is a "No Holds Barred" match.
- They slap at each other.
- The ref goes down to start.
- They continue slapping and kicking.
- Security runs out, gets stopped, and finally keeps the two men apart.
- The crowd boos. They'll be doing that a lot tonight.
- Flynn gets handcuffed, and Abbott sucker-punches him.
- At least it was short.
- We see stills from Duggan/Varsity Club vs. Revolution.
- Douglas is on the stick.
- Saturn grabs the mic, and rambles about Tootsie Roll pops.
- Douglas gets the mic back, and calls Duggan out.
- Duggan's music hits, and he comes out pouting.
- The crowd chants "USA".
- Douglas orders Duggan to denounce the USA, and tear up the US flag.
- Duggan doesn't want to do it.
- Douglas asks if Duggan will go back on his word.
- Duggan: "I lied."
- The Revolution beats up Duggan.
- Douglas wants Duggan to denounce the flag.
- Douglas says they'll burn the flag.
- Malenko pours gas on the flag in a trash can.
- Malenko has a propane torch.
- Filthy Animals music hits, and Kidman, Gonnad, and Rey-Rey (on a crutch) hit the ring.
- They chase the Revolution from the ring as Duggan rescues the flag from the trash can.
- Where's Eddy?
- Hart and Goldberg watch their respective monitors.
- Piper says he sold out.
- Piper recounts his heelish deeds of the past, and uses them to hype up the crowd.
- Piper talks about Russo's writing, and says people want to see people fight.
- Piper tries to start a Goldberg chant.
- Piper talks about how he beat up Mister T, kicked Cyndi Lauper, and hit Jimmy Snuka with a coconut.
- Piper says he's a real fighter, and he quits.
- Piper rambles a bit more, says he quits, and walks out of the ring.
- Baby Piper runs out to walk out with his dad.
- Goldberg walks down the aisle and blocks Piper's way.
- Goldberg says he stayed up all night trying to make sense of this crap.
- Goldberg says that he's always looked up to a couple of guys, and he considered Piper one of them until last night.
- Goldberg says Piper made the wrong decision.
- Goldberg says he would never sell out.
- Piper apologizes to Goldberg.
- Bret Hart comes out.
- Hart says there's no point in blaming Piper.
- Hart says he doesn't want the title, and says as far as he's concerned, the belt is vacant.
- Hart says he's going to go tell the office to shove the World title belt up their ass.
- Russo says he tried to make things up to Hart for the Survivor Series last night.
- Hart throws the belt at Russo.
- Russo makes a Goldberg/Hart match tonight.
- Smiley comes out in a Baltimore Ravens jersey.
- His partner, the man with the Samoan Afro, Themonstermeng.
- Meng starts off by attacking Smiley.
- Smiley tries to escape with his plundah.
- Knobbs and Finlay come out with paramilitary-looking gears.
- A generic "hardcore" clusterf***.
- The announcers say that Knobbs and Finlay want Smiley to keep the belt, so they can take it from him.
- Knobbs and Finlay take care of Meng, and turn their attention to Smiley.
- They chase him up through the crowd.
- Smiley goes into the bathroom.
- They're in the "Kevin Sullivan/Chris Benoit" bathroom.
- Knobbs gives Smiley a "swirlie".
- Knobbs covers Smiley in the bathroom for the pin.
- Finlay and Knobbs continue the punishment post-match.
- Piper gets a baseball bat.
- Jeez.
- Hart tries to say something to Piper, but Piper's in crazyland.
- Meastro plays the piano with Symphony by his side.
- They walk to the ring for a match.
- His opponent, former Cruiser champ Evan Karagias.
- Maestro Landel gets the early offense, but Evan goes all Power Plant on his ass.
- Decent avalanche from Evan.
- Evan with punches in the corner, but Maestro hotshots him.
- Maestro hits a backdrop suplex.
- Evan brings Maestro over with a sunset flip for two.
- Evan eats boot charging the corner, but catches Maestro with a powerslam.
- Flying burrito from Evan.
- Maestro tries a Frankensteiner, but Evan powerbombs him.
- Evan goes up top.
- Symphony tries to distract Evan, but Evan's having none of it.
- Evan shoves Symphony down, but thinks twice about it, and goes to check on her.
- This allows Maestro to hit a running knee to the back of Evan's head.
- Maestro covers Evan for the win as Symphony miraculously recovers.
- Chavo: "Evan, you lost the match, you lost the title, and you lost all the girls."
- Chavo offers to sell Evan an book "How To Pick Up Chicks."
- Evan snaps and beats the tar out of Chavo.
- Kanyon comes out with his entourage.
- Kanyon says the people just don't get it.
- Kanyon says he's been to Hollywood, and Baltimore ain't Hollywood.
- Kanyon says he destroyed the Triad.
- Bigelow's out next in this triangle match.
- Mr. Biggs joins the broadcast booth.
- DDP makes the final entrance.
- Kanyon is on the floor, Bigelow and Page in the ring.
- Bigelow and Page doubleteam Kanyon.
- They work him over.
- Page hits a urinage, and Bigelow lands a falling headbutt.
- Bigelow accidentally catches a shot from Page, they tease dissention, and then double clothesline Kanyon.
- DDP with a flying clothesline, and Bigelow hits a diving headbutt.
- DDP signals for the Diamond Cutter, but Bigelow wants to hit the Greetings from Asbury Park.
- DDP shakes Bigelow's hand, and pulls him into a Diamond Cutter.
- DDP threatens Billy Silverman with a Cutter, and hits the floor.
- Page kisses a fan.
- DDP walks out, leaving Kanyon and Bigelow out in the ring.
- Mr. Biggs slips Kanyon a briefcase, but the ref intercepts it.
- As the ref admonishes Biggs, Kanyon smashes Bigelow over the head with a champagne bottle.
- Bigelow's busted open, and Kanyon looks hurt, too.
- Kanyon covers Bigelow for the win.
- Post-match, Kanyon actually does a sensible thing and tells the ref some fan threw the bottle into the ring.
- Creative Control comes out.
- Sting got a hairline skull fracture and a broken wrist in his match last night.
- Their opponent: Nash.
- Nash has his tag belt with him.
- Nash points to the back.
- Scott Hall comes out on crutches.
- Hall is moving very slowly.
- There's no ref.
- Nash opens up on "Patrick" as the censors start bleeping.
- Gerald eats a big boot.
- Patrick catches a side suplex.
- Nash catches a clothesline to the back and one to the front from CC.
- CC continues the advantage.
- CC doubleteams Nash, and Hall runs in with no knee injury.
- Hall crutches the CC members, and celebrates with Nash.
- CC walks off.
- Jarrett comes out with his guitar.
- His opponent - Chris Benoit.
- Benoit opens up with chops.
- Benoit SMACKS Jarrett with an enzuigiri.
- Benoit dropkicks Jarrett in the head, and hits a quick elbowdrop.
- Benoit flips out of a backdrop suplex, puts Jarrett on the top, and ties him to the tree of woe.
- Benoit with a sliding dropkick to Jarrett's face.
- Jarrett avoids a second one, and crotches Benoit around the ringpost.
- Jarrett goes for the ladder, but Benoit catches him.
- Benoit continues to punish Jarrett.
- Benoit wedges a chair into the turnbuckles.
- Benoit whips Jarrett into the chair.
- Benoit chairs Jarrett on the back.
- Snap-suplex on the chair.
- Benoit snots on Jarrett.
- He wedges the chair back in again.
- Jarrett collapses to avoid the chair.
- Jarrett favors his knee.
- Benoit goes for the ladder while Nick Patrick tends to Jarrett.
- Benoit tries to climb the ladder, but the rungs break.
- The ladder's been rigged.
- Jarrett recovers from his knee injury.
- Jarrett slides in and kabongs Benoit with the guitar.
- Jarrett goes under the ring for another ladder.
- Tony: "What a blatant screwjob this is."
- Jarrett climbs the ladder and grabs the US belt to win the match and the title.
- Can I get a F*** You, WCW© from the congregation?
- Gene talks about the rigged ladder.
- Curt Hennig tells Jarrett that the powers want to see him in the limo.
- Sid makes his way down.
- His opponent, The Wall.
- Berlyn follows the Wall down.
- We see Wall punch Berlyn on Thunder.
- Sid hits a big boot.
- Sid clotheslines Wall over the top.
- Wall gets a bit of offense in, but Sid catches him with a chokeslam.
- Berlyn gets on the apron, but thinks better of things.
- Sid sets up for the Powerbomb, but Berlyn distracts him again.
- Wall takes advantage, slams Sid, and signals for his Chokeslam.
- Berlyn comes off the top with a missile dropkick on Wall.
- The ref DQ's Sid.
- Berlyn talks smack to Sid, and eats a Powerbomb in return.
- Wall and Sid stare down.
- Sid offers his hand, and Wall shakes it.
- Sid raises Wall's hand.
- Russo tells him "It's gonna happen tonight."
- Jarrett is happy.
- The mob guys bring Disco Inferno in.
- The mob boss says Disco's pissed him off.
- Disco says he has the money.
- The boss says Disco can join the "family" and do whatever Tony tells him, or he can spend the rest of his life in a coma.
- College fight music brings out the Varsity Club.
- Kimona is now known as "Leia Meow"
- We look up at the Harlem Heat breakup, Part 57, last night.
- Harlem Heat is tagging together.
- Sullivan talks about Goldberg getting screwed.
- Rotunda talks about he and Steiner going to real schools, not some backwater university like Maryland.
- Steiner talks smack to Booker about Midnight.
- Stevie shoulderblocks Rotunda, then shoves him down.
- Booker tags in, as does Steiner.
- Steiner eats a back elbow and a spin kick.
- Rotunda knees Booker in the back, allowing Steiner to clothesline Booker over the top rope.
- Rotunda works over Booker.
- Booker is isolated in the Varsity corner.
- Steiner switches places with Sullivan, who tags in against Booker.
- Rotunda joins the broadcast booth.
- They get back to the legal men.
- Booker avoids a Rotunda corner charge, and hits him with a Rock Bottom.
- Stevie tags in.
- Stevie taks out Rotunda and Steiner while Sullivan works Booker over on the floor.
- The lights go out, the clock strikes, and Midnight is in the ring.
- Midnight is behind Stevie, who is beating on Rotunda.
- Stevie tells Midnight to go to the back.
- Rotunda rolls Stevie up, and gets the win.
- PG-13 (Wolfie D and JC Ice) hit the ring, weakly attack the V-club, and scram.
- She knees Jerry Only in the sack, and runs off.
- Torgo attacks David Penzer.
- Torgo calls for Vampiro.
- Vampiro makes his way out.
- Vampiro says he doesn't have any problem with Flair.
- He says it's a misunderstanding.
- Vampiro apologizes.
- He says he's sorry that Vampiro is a psycho freak.
- He turns to berate Scary Chick, and Torgo attacks with the crowbar.
- Jerry Only tries to make the save, but the Couple of Doom beat him senseless.
- Torgo and the Master's Bride kiss, and leave cackling.
- For those of you who are curious about the Torgo references, check this link.
- Buff butters up the Baltimore crowd.
- Buff says something is missing in his career.
- He talks about his neck surgery.
- Buff wants some gold around his waist.
- Buff talks about WCW keeping him down.
- Gene talks about rumors about Bagwell and Kim Page.
- Buff pushes the mic down, and has a "private conversation" with Gene.
- Gene says that if Buff walks away, he's admitting his guilt.
- Buff says that he and Kim are just friends.
- Buff says someone has been talking in Page's ear.
- Buff says Kim's a knockout.
- Buff says if DDP wasn't married to Kimberly, "Buff" would put his "Stuff" all over Kim.
- Buff talks about Kim Page in his bed.
- DDP attacks Buff from behind.
- Security restrains the two men.
- He says goodbye to the "boys" in the "locker room".
- He rants about his years in the business.
- Hart makes his way out.
- Goldberg does his usual entrance.
- There goes the bell.
- Goldberg powers Hart down.
- Big clothesline from Goldberg.
- Hart's kicks have no effect, and he goes to the floor.
- Goldberg follows him, and continues the attack.
- Hart gets whipped into the guardrail.
- Goldberg hits his over-the-shoulder powerslam.
- Anklelock from Goldberg, but Hart gets to the ropes.
- Hart comes back, and starts working Goldberg's knee.
- Hart works Goldberg over in the corner.
- Goldberg chokes Hart into the corner, but bumps the ref.
- Hart kicks Goldberg in the nads, and applies a figure-four.
- The ref is down.
- Scott Hall and Kevin Nash run down with baseball bats.
- Hart covers himself up, and the Outsiders beat Goldberg with the bats.
- Nash gives his bat to Hart, and Hart hits Goldberg with it.
- Piper runs down to protect Goldberg.
- The ref does some weird delayed count, and Hart wins the belt.
- Jeff Jarrett runs down, kabongs Piper, and pulls out some spray paint.
- Jarrett sprays "nWo" on Goldberg and Piper as nWo music plays.
- Hall, Nash, Hart, and Jarrett celebrate as we take it back to 1996 all over again.
- Nash: "Baltimore, Maryland - the band is back together."
- And with that, we fade to black....